Venting Trying to end it all by next Thursday

[finalmente]

Hello everyone! I'm new here, so I hope I'm not embarrassing myself too much.
I've thought about suicide since I was 14 or 15. Now I'm 21. Life was never really an option for me. It feels like all of the things that could go wrong went wrong. Starting from my family, which has never been emotionally supportive and caused a whole lotta problems with my mental health. My mum is absolutely convinced that things never change, and I live with this burden too. Everything you do is doomed. Nothing will ever get better. So I thought moving out of toxic house was the solution. It was not and I have to say mum was right. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mum. And even there I feel wrong. I don't pick up social clues and I'm not friendly enough. I don't do enough for the house. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells everywhere I go and I can't shake off this feeling ever. I have a few friends, but they are all physically distant and I feel disconnected from them. I really hate myself. I've self harmed for a long time. I have dissociation problems. I just want it to end by Thursday. But this time for real. Because there were some attempts but never brought to an end. I hate when I don't stick to the plans. I'm sick of living this life, of inhabiting this body. I've tried therapy (even pharmacological) before, got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, it lasted one year and a half but didn't change much. Just got more consciousness about why I do the things I do. During this weekend I'm gonna find (if the weather isn't too bad, otherwise it's gonna be sus) a suitable tree and I'm gonna buy a rope. I'm lucky the town I moved into is near a lot of fields, it's not urban. I can't do this anymore. In the meantime I find the courage, I'm gonna play my instrument, that is the only thing that brings me joy (but even that, the pressure for doing it professionally is immense, so if I think about that, even playing becomes a heavy weight to carry).
So here's this. I said very little. If you want to ask, while I'm still here, you're welcome to. But I just wanted to share with someone. I hope that, at last, this words resonate with someone and whoever reads this doesn't feel so alone. I don't plan on leaving a note so these are pretty much my final words for this topic. Thank you for having read all of this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering in this existence, I wish you the best of luck with your plans and I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[aura.]

i am new here too, and though i understand and feel you i can't help but have the instinct to try and 'save' you. i feel stupid saying this, here especially, but please truly consider before you go. i know you will find peace no matter what you decide to do and just know that i am thinking of you this week. i wish you success if you truly do decide to go through with your plan and that you have freedom at last.

 

[finalmente]

i am new here too, and though i understand and feel you i can't help but have the instinct to try and 'save' you. i feel stupid saying this, here especially, but please truly consider before you go. i know you will find peace no matter what you decide to do and just know that i am thinking of you this week. i wish you success if you truly do decide to go through with your plan and that you have freedom at last.

Thank you. Yesterday in the end I chickened out and called a friend. He listened to me cry and talk. Then this night I spoke to my boyfriend about therapy (which I'm very reluctant to). He says he can't do this anymore, because I find difficulties even with small things, and he can't imagine a future where he's working full time and I'm alone at home, facing bigger problems by myself. Right now I don't know what to do. Until the 9th I have to stay in this house because I have something important to do here. Then idk if I just have to let it all go. I'm too tired and too disillusioned to go to therapy. It's like I don't want to try anymore. It would be a waste. If I surrender, I will lose him too. Idk what's "best". If letting the depression take over me (a thing that, even if I try not to, will happen inevitably... it feels like a spider crawling on me) or trying again against my will.. with all the hopelessness in the world. Idk. I'm sorry for this long paragraph but like I said I have no one to talk to.

 

[aura.]

Thank you. Yesterday in the end I chickened out and called a friend. He listened to me cry and talk. Then this night I spoke to my boyfriend about therapy (which I'm very reluctant to). He says he can't do this anymore, because I find difficulties even with small things, and he can't imagine a future where he's working full time and I'm alone at home, facing bigger problems by myself. Right now I don't know what to do. Until the 9th I have to stay in this house because I have something important to do here. Then idk if I just have to let it all go. I'm too tired and too disillusioned to go to therapy. It's like I don't want to try anymore. It would be a waste. If I surrender, I will lose him too. Idk what's "best". If letting the depression take over me (a thing that, even if I try not to, will happen inevitably... it feels like a spider crawling on me) or trying again against my will.. with all the hopelessness in the world. Idk. I'm sorry for this long paragraph but like I said I have no one to talk to.

i'm so so so serious when i say this, you didn't chicken out. the thing is, at least for me, i don't see suicide as a big problem other than when people aren't ready and still have hope. if someone is abso positive they can't continue to live i understand (especially when they're older and have been contemplating suicide for a while)

So when people try to attempt but don't end up going through with it they aren't cowards or chickening out, they just aren't ready. and that's such a hard thing to accept. when you've been dreaming of your death since the moment you turned 14 your going to feel like a coward when you can't go through with it in the end. (when i mean can't go through with it i mean mentally, not survival instinct)

And you have people to live for, your friends and your boyfriend and anyone else you have a strong bond with. the depression creeping up on you fucks everything up and everything seems so pointless and grey and you just hate everything about yourself and your life, but a majority of the time it fades and does go away with time but it's a gruelling process and so many people don't think they can make it out the other side. but i believe you can. i am not trying to convince you to stay alive when life is torturing you so much and i certainly understand but i just can't see someone go when they aren't ready. i just can't sit here and say i hope you find peace without at least trying to help you see other options that could work to truly help you.

therapy is an option, ill admit. but in my experience it's not the greatest and often you find you can't tell them everything. especially the things that are the most important.

the best way to vent and get things out there i found is posting online, on here, or talking to a friend and just spilling everything. i've never truly told anyone my entire story but that doesn't mean you can't. find someone you trust and if you can, just tell them everything. it could seriously help.

i know you feel hopeless, but i sense it in you (not to sound creepy lmao) and i believe in you.

also, don't worry about your paragraph, mine is SO MUCH LONGER (very sorry for the book you just had to read)