Trying to be okay with where I am in life

[TVtrays]

My troubles form a complex mosaic. I left a severely abusive relationship last year and my posts about it can be found if you go to my profile. It's a doozy to say the least. I'm still physically and emotionally recovering from the stress. In my recovery, I've spent countless hours in introspection when it comes to who I am, my mental health struggles growing up and the complex relationship between my queerness, transness and neurodivergence. I managed to dig up my childhood diagnosis of Asperger's when I was 12. I was also diagnosed with depression, OCD, and anxiety and I was tested as being highly gifted. My more recent diagnoses include Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD in the 99th percentile, PTSD (my psychologist said my symptoms were indicative of Complex PTSD, but it's apparently not an official diagnosis). My Asperger's diagnosis was removed because apparently my presentation is subclinical, and I tend to agree. Regardless, all of these things have led to a sense of extreme alienation.


I'm on SSI for severe depression. I have never been able to hold down a full time job and I'm in my 20s. I've been trying to get back to school but unless I either already know the concepts or take an interest in the subject matter, I can't complete the course. I dropped my math class because math is incredibly boring and unengaging to me, and with ADHD as severe as mine, my mind will not allow me to spend the energy on it. I also received a solid A in a critical thinking/ writing course without even trying and believing I was underperforming. There's a huge disparity in my skillsets. Despite how well I can perform in some areas, I end up burned out unless I'm engaged. I skipped a semester of school this fall because of this burnout and last semester was my first time in school since before covid. I'm progressing so slowly and I feel held back by my own lack of energy. I'm hoping this lack of energy is a result of depression. I still consider suicide frequently and my symptoms remain consistently severe.

A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friends, which used to help with my depression before I met my abuser, but my depression nowadays prevents me from enjoying anything at all. I had gone out to the backyard at my friend's house to vape and cried my eyes out for about fifteen minutes. I came back in after drying the tears from my face and started cracking jokes and acting like I was fine. I did this a few times that night and the last time I had gone outside to cry, I overheard one of my friends say "depression's a bitch"... I realized I hadn't fully closed the door when I went outside. I felt so bad. I went outside so I wouldn't burden them with it since they were having a good time. The urge to cry would become uncontrollable and I knew I would be wholly unable to hold back the cascade of emotions, so I opted to take it as far from them as I could without asking to leave (a friend of mine was my ride).

I'm depressed and drained. My abusive relationship gave me several new vulnerabilities and the time that elapsed worsened my existential depression. I've struggled with existential depression for years but now, I've come to understand humanity in a troubling way. I love people and I have never been and will never be misanthropic. Instead, considering the features of humanity and our shortcomings, being human feels like a massive limitation. It feels like a prison. I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am a biological being. I hate using the restroom, I hate eating and drinking, I hate feeling sexual attraction and I hate having emotions. Being alive is to be in bondage and I'm not that kinky. This isn't, in its own right, a suicidal thought for me. If I could be uploaded into a machine and exist as a digital entity with complete executive control over my functions, being able to fine tune my emotions and experiences, I would consider existence to be ideal, but that's not possible as things stand today. This contributes to my present feelings of suicidality. Living feels like a joke, meaning feels like a joke, but at the same time, I understand that it is necessary to adopt a less universal perspective when it comes to my own life. Things that feel significant to me have the right to be significant. They are infinitely insignificant to the universe, but I am not the universe. I am a microscopic part of the universe. The interactions of individual subatomic particles are not immediately significant to our everyday lives, but they become significant on a macroscopic scale. My life is on the subatomic scale and my concerns are subatomic, and therefore significant to my subatomic self, and that's okay. My love for my friends and chosen family is significant to me, and therefore significant. The task at hand is therefore that of acceptance.

If I am to take all of my personal troubles seriously by virtue of this perspective, I must face them. Perhaps, in retrospect, this existentialist hell was a way to disassociate myself from this reality. How am I to deal with my failures to live up to my own expectations? How do I cope with falling short of what I know I'm capable of? How to I cope with alienation? My entire life, none of my interests or passions were anything I could connect with others on. I have always been different. I have always felt like the "other". Even within my queer, neurodivergent circles, I am the other. I feel isolated, like a minority of one. Is it necessary to feel truly connected to others on shared experiences, or can I come to terms with being this way and live happily? If I am to recover, I need to consider these things.

 

[timf]

It is possible that some of your discomfort arises from trying to live a conventional life. It may be that you have a much larger emotional component to you personality than will easily fit into a conventional life. It may be that you need an opportunity to express your emotions artistically such as with music, art, crafts, writing, etc.

The various artistic communities can have problems of their own so caution is advised.

 

[Celerity]

We have very different life experiences, but some of what you wrote reminds me of my periods of isolation in my depressive episodes. I sense that very little is tethering you to the world at the moment which is why you are able to describe your perspective in arguably very detached ways. It seems you have also identified alienation as being a huge factor in your experience. Without completely melting this down to a braindead normie take, I really do believe isolation kills.

You say you have friends, and maybe they are good ones, but they don't appear to be people who can relate to what you are going through at the moment. I'm going to suggest trying to find a support group or group therapy. Have you tried one before?

I had some success with Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). They have added in "Dysfunctional Families" to their tagline, so one need not be the child of an alcoholic to join and benefit from their meetings. I don't agree with everything they have to say, and some of their members may be too conservative for you with you being trans, but a younger or online group might be worth a shot. This move is not risk free because rejection both overt or subtle is very hard to take, but the potential rewards were worth it to me.

If you can't find a group or the idea just doesn't work for you, I will suggest an oldie but a goodie - John Bradshaw's book, Healing the Shame That Binds You. I did not get anything out of his self-therapy stuff, but I found his analysis of abusive/neglectful childhoods very valuable. It was only through his and the ACoA perspective that I was finally able to accept that my problems aren't my fault and that I was not born defective but rather made fragile through life experience.

 

[TVtrays]

It is possible that some of your discomfort arises from trying to live a conventional life. It may be that you have a much larger emotional component to you personality than will easily fit into a conventional life. It may be that you need an opportunity to express your emotions artistically such as with music, art, crafts, writing, etc.

The various artistic communities can have problems of their own so caution is advised.

This is certainly part of my issue. I'm horrified by the idea of living a conventional life and falling into a routine. I crave new experiences.
You touched something I've considered, too. I've always been adept at writing and I'll often write random short stories in my spare time. I'm a synesthete with several rare and complex forms. I experience every concept very abstractly and I've been wanting to start painting. I'd also love to learn how to create computerized 3-D, moving models as well.

 

[NoLightRemains]

My troubles form a complex mosaic. I left a severely abusive relationship last year and my posts about it can be found if you go to my profile. It's a doozy to say the least. I'm still physically and emotionally recovering from the stress. In my recovery, I've spent countless hours in introspection when it comes to who I am, my mental health struggles growing up and the complex relationship between my queerness, transness and neurodivergence. I managed to dig up my childhood diagnosis of Asperger's when I was 12. I was also diagnosed with depression, OCD, and anxiety and I was tested as being highly gifted. My more recent diagnoses include Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD in the 99th percentile, PTSD (my psychologist said my symptoms were indicative of Complex PTSD, but it's apparently not an official diagnosis). My Asperger's diagnosis was removed because apparently my presentation is subclinical, and I tend to agree. Regardless, all of these things have led to a sense of extreme alienation.


I'm on SSI for severe depression. I have never been able to hold down a full time job and I'm in my 20s. I've been trying to get back to school but unless I either already know the concepts or take an interest in the subject matter, I can't complete the course. I dropped my math class because math is incredibly boring and unengaging to me, and with ADHD as severe as mine, my mind will not allow me to spend the energy on it. I also received a solid A in a critical thinking/ writing course without even trying and believing I was underperforming. There's a huge disparity in my skillsets. Despite how well I can perform in some areas, I end up burned out unless I'm engaged. I skipped a semester of school this fall because of this burnout and last semester was my first time in school since before covid. I'm progressing so slowly and I feel held back by my own lack of energy. I'm hoping this lack of energy is a result of depression. I still consider suicide frequently and my symptoms remain consistently severe.

A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friends, which used to help with my depression before I met my abuser, but my depression nowadays prevents me from enjoying anything at all. I had gone out to the backyard at my friend's house to vape and cried my eyes out for about fifteen minutes. I came back in after drying the tears from my face and started cracking jokes and acting like I was fine. I did this a few times that night and the last time I had gone outside to cry, I overheard one of my friends say "depression's a bitch"... I realized I hadn't fully closed the door when I went outside. I felt so bad. I went outside so I wouldn't burden them with it since they were having a good time. The urge to cry would become uncontrollable and I knew I would be wholly unable to hold back the cascade of emotions, so I opted to take it as far from them as I could without asking to leave (a friend of mine was my ride).

I'm depressed and drained. My abusive relationship gave me several new vulnerabilities and the time that elapsed worsened my existential depression. I've struggled with existential depression for years but now, I've come to understand humanity in a troubling way. I love people and I have never been and will never be misanthropic. Instead, considering the features of humanity and our shortcomings, being human feels like a massive limitation. It feels like a prison. I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am a biological being. I hate using the restroom, I hate eating and drinking, I hate feeling sexual attraction and I hate having emotions. Being alive is to be in bondage and I'm not that kinky. This isn't, in its own right, a suicidal thought for me. If I could be uploaded into a machine and exist as a digital entity with complete executive control over my functions, being able to fine tune my emotions and experiences, I would consider existence to be ideal, but that's not possible as things stand today. This contributes to my present feelings of suicidality. Living feels like a joke, meaning feels like a joke, but at the same time, I understand that it is necessary to adopt a less universal perspective when it comes to my own life. Things that feel significant to me have the right to be significant. They are infinitely insignificant to the universe, but I am not the universe. I am a microscopic part of the universe. The interactions of individual subatomic particles are not immediately significant to our everyday lives, but they become significant on a macroscopic scale. My life is on the subatomic scale and my concerns are subatomic, and therefore significant to my subatomic self, and that's okay. My love for my friends and chosen family is significant to me, and therefore significant. The task at hand is therefore that of acceptance.

If I am to take all of my personal troubles seriously by virtue of this perspective, I must face them. Perhaps, in retrospect, this existentialist hell was a way to disassociate myself from this reality. How am I to deal with my failures to live up to my own expectations? How do I cope with falling short of what I know I'm capable of? How to I cope with alienation? My entire life, none of my interests or passions were anything I could connect with others on. I have always been different. I have always felt like the "other". Even within my queer, neurodivergent circles, I am the other. I feel isolated, like a minority of one. Is it necessary to feel truly connected to others on shared experiences, or can I come to terms with being this way and live happily? If I am to recover, I need to consider these things.

I really relate to a lot of what you wrote here. Especially the part about flesh being a prison and feeling like an outsider even in queer/neurodivergent circles. I don't have any good answers for you because I'm struggling with similar questions myself. It is difficult to accept being so different from loved ones and chosen communities. I hope you can find some peace