trying so hard to get better

[tora]

I just got back from a vacation, and I feel even worse than I did before. this vacation was supposed to make my decision for me, if I'm going to CTB next month or not. it was a really nice nature vacation where I hiked everyday with my family, and it's my first vacation in 6 years. but now that I'm home, all my problems in life has started again. my AC broke for the second time this summer so I'm dealing with the Texas heat with no AC. I only have 3 more vacations days until I have to go back to work and get trapped in the same loop of being miserable everyday and only having a few hours of peace when I sleep. I can't keep living like this. spending 8 hours a day at a job that I hate and that doesn't pay me enough to cover my bills. it took me 6 years to afford one vacation so I don't even have that to look forward to every year. I live in the worst state in the country, it's been over 100⁰ every single day since June so I can't even leave my house to go on a walk to help me feel better. I feel like I have no excuses to put off CTB anymore. I just have nothing that makes me happy. I have nothing worth living for. I have my dog, but he'll be fine without me. every time I start to feel better, something bad happens in my life again and I spiral back down again. my fucking refrigerator is broken as well as my AC and I can't afford a new one so I'm living off chips and cheap frozen meals. I'm so fucking tired of living like this. I just want to be happy. I hate it here. I hate Texas and I hate the heat and I hate my job and I have no passions and I'll never have a career with a good salary and I'll never afford to live comfortably and I just want to buy fucking vegetables but my stupid fridge is broken so I can't. I don't even know the meaning of this rant. I just am insanely depressed right now and I'm still terrified of CTB and if I didn't have my dog I would've done it by now and I just don't know what to do anymore. visiting my parents just made it even harder to decide because I love my mom so much and it will kill her if I go through with this. she's been so supportive of me with my mental health struggles my whole life and I don't want to hurt her. and I know my twin will CTB if I do because we have the same problems in life and I can't make my mom lose her two youngest children. I'm just so trapped and I don't want to die but I have no other options. at least I'm the least favorite member of my family so only my mom and twin will be sad when I die.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so dreadful feeling trapped in that situation, I hate the warmer weather, it certainly can make existing way more torturous. But anyway best wishes, to me it's awful how people have to suffer so much in this existence.