Help Trouble communicating/ Shutting down

[Fish_Princess]

I was emotionally neglected as a child, i never learned how to express my emotions, deal with them or communicate.

It hurts a lot. I grew up being scared of making a noise while skipping school and staying in my room all day everyday.

It hurts a lot now. Not being able to understand how i feel and not being able to express it. And it especially hurts when i can't communicate it properly to others.

Recently ive been shutting down again, feeling like what i say doesnt matter and from there my mental spirals. As well as thoughts of hurting myself again, i know people must have different reasons but for me idk why. It just feels like the only way i can express my emotion in a safe way to myself only i suppose. And i want to. As soon as i start shutting down its a spiral of negative thoughts and feeling numb and like my energy has been drained and i cant move.

After it happens its so much easier to step back but in the moment i have no idea. Its like my mouth is stuck shut and while my head is thinking a lot of things none of them can actually stick or stay for long enough.

The last thing my boyfriend said before hanging up just now was along the lines of "im tired of having my feelings disregarded". We were in call but i felt the way i described. I couldnt say a thing. Looking at the situation i think i just wanted comfort i just wanted to be told that what i say matters because even if i talk and it gets responded to my brain is mean and tells me that the response means they didnt really care or something. But instead when i was told to stop being so down over nothing and it got worse and he got more frustrated it was just feeding into that bad mentality. I mean im only trying to figure it out right now but thats my guess. Its like all of a sudden im a kid again and crying or being sad or whatever im feeling doesnt matter and if that doesnt what do i feel? What do i say? After that i just go numb or just silent.

It's frustrating and theres more i could talk about, how i grew up. But i just needed to write this down. It hurts and i want it to stop, i want to get better, but it feels like im just a kid that needs comfort again, who cant get it again, and so im just nothing i feel like im nothing.

Im not trying to disregard his feelings, and it makes me sad to think that at the time i was breaking down i wasnt thinking about them. But at the time my thoughts more included "is he going to stay now that im this broken" (yes hes stayed through everything else realistically) or other dumb negative thoughts. I dont know what to do.

 

[trytrytryagain]

Communicating in a shutdown are two things that seem like an oxymoron, since during a shut down there's so much helplessness and feelings coming at you all at once that it's impossible at the moment to do it.

This is something I'm trying to work myself, the main advice I've been given is to communicate after or before (that's the hardest one to do, I still haven't even figured out how to communicate about it beforehand). If it's someone understanding and good, you can try to explain the symptoms you feel/portray in the beginning of a shutdown, for me is my movement slowing down, tremor and repeating stuff like sounds or just general stammering, I would look into symptoms of shut downs online so you can put into words what you feel specifically.
Now that this person can identify those symptoms for a future shutdown, this is the hardest part, you gotta understand what you want this person to do in the beginning of the shutdown to calm you down. To me that's really hard cause all I want is for the pain to end or for my problem that triggered it to be solved right away. But it can be as simple as someone just sitting you down in silence and telling you that they're here for whatever happens next, the feeling of guidance is something I've found to be pretty useful when my friends find me in this state, but it might be different for you.

Another thing that's odd that I've found is that I can text better than writing or talking during a shutdown, so last time a really bad one happened and I had someone good nearby I was basically sending messages to them while they were right next to me to communicate what happened.

A lot of instructions just now so it's ok to feel intimidated. Shutdowns will always suck but remember that you can work to make them understandable to those you love.

Hope you're recovering well from everything, the past can affect us in ways we don't even fully comprehend as adults, but as someone with a lot of childhood trauma, I believe in you.

 

[Fish_Princess]

Communicating in a shutdown are two things that seem like an oxymoron, since during a shut down there's so much helplessness and feelings coming at you all at once that it's impossible at the moment to do it.

This is something I'm trying to work myself, the main advice I've been given is to communicate after or before (that's the hardest one to do, I still haven't even figured out how to communicate about it beforehand). If it's someone understanding and good, you can try to explain the symptoms you feel/portray in the beginning of a shutdown, for me is my movement slowing down, tremor and repeating stuff like sounds or just general stammering, I would look into symptoms of shut downs online so you can put into words what you feel specifically.
Now that this person can identify those symptoms for a future shutdown, this is the hardest part, you gotta understand what you want this person to do in the beginning of the shutdown to calm you down. To me that's really hard cause all I want is for the pain to end or for my problem that triggered it to be solved right away. But it can be as simple as someone just sitting you down in silence and telling you that they're here for whatever happens next, the feeling of guidance is something I've found to be pretty useful when my friends find me in this state, but it might be different for you.

Another thing that's odd that I've found is that I can text better than writing or talking during a shutdown, so last time a really bad one happened and I had someone good nearby I was basically sending messages to them while they were right next to me to communicate what happened.

A lot of instructions just now so it's ok to feel intimidated. Shutdowns will always suck but remember that you can work to make them understandable to those you love.

Hope you're recovering well from everything, the past can affect us in ways we don't even fully comprehend as adults, but as someone with a lot of childhood trauma, I believe in you.

I think it seems a lot more intimidating when its happening. Thank you for the reply tho it does help a lot and help put things in a better perspective!
I also noticed texting is easier when i shut down, but I'll also look into the symptoms, i know a few of my own include going quieter and stuttering (letting sentences hang off as well) if i dont go nonverbal.

 

[TooConscious]

Sucks when you feel people misinterpret
Humans as a species need to get on track and cooperate together for a better existence not hinder one another. But so many people are hurting it doesn't seem possible.
Warm wishes