Tried to CTB but couldn't

[cobain43]

Hi y'all.
My mom took her life this February. She took antidepressants after her hysterectomy since 2008. I myself survived cancer and I don't know, due to steroids which are cancer meds, I was irritable. We had some quarrel but reconciled later, and it was great. I had a breakup and I lived with my mom afterwards. We watched a movie everynight. Jan 31, I quarreled a bit because we had very little money for college and it is too expensive. She came to know that I was suicidal and a previous cocktail of medications I made did not kill me, but made me very ill. She OD'd that night. But my father was a very bad huaband. He did not hit her (I never saw him hit my mother) but was really really mean and he is a drunk and has a bad temper. I am really afraid of him.
I am not strong mentally and I decided to CTB best. I bought some SN. and I mixed it with water. The glass became cold. I was just about to drink it. But I stopped myself. But I don't wanna do that. I want to die in peace. I saw my best friends die, my first girlfriend die, my mom die and honestly, my mom was the only person who loved me. I also loved my aunt but she said that I was responsible for my mother's death. Maybe it is easy to pick on the weakest. Blame him and it makes you feel empowered.
Guys, I know that you are kind souls and many of your problems are graver than mine. But just suggest me something so that I can finally go through the process in peace. Please.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I'm so deeply sorry thats absolutely awful. I can't imagine how difficult this must all be.

I can relate to that feeling... WANTING to just do it with no hesitation, and no regret, but not being able to. I've had what I need to CTB for months now but I can't do it. I have nothing to live for, but I'm like sat on the fence, too scared to go either way.

I thought about stopping my meds, but it would make me really sick and IDK if it would make me feel any different about actually going through with it.

 

[faust]

You have seen a lot of deaths in your life and that of course made an influence on you. I can't help you because in this case I will take from you understanding of who you are and why you are doing this. And only you can decide how you want to leave this deadly circle. It is sad you are on the crossroads again and you had to deal with all of this. Take your time and listen what your heart tells - you will get an answer. Sending you hugs!

 

[ebt88]

Don't worry you lost nothing you can try again any other time. Many people go through multiple attempts it seems before succeeding . Maybe try at a different time of the day? Nighttime is quite popular

 

[cobain43]

You guys are so great. It seems so strange yet wonderful that I don't know any of you personally but again, you responded when no one did. I guess it is adversity what keeps us going. Take care guys. I am attaching this picture which I drew recently. My idol's. He was the only guy who gave happiness during these tough times.

 

[NoPlaceForme]

You guys are so great. It seems so strange yet wonderful that I don't know any of you personally but again, you responded when no one did. I guess it is adversity what keeps us going. Take care guys. I am attaching this picture which I drew recently. My idol's. He was the only guy who gave happiness during these tough times.

That is a truly beautiful picture. And I am so sorry for what happened to you. I honestly wish you could be at peace. Sending you lots of hugs and wish the very best for you.

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

There's nothing wrong with not being able to kill yourself. It is you trying to tell yourself something. Pay close attention, do not simply try to ignore it and guilt yourself into it, there is nothing shameful at all.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your loss. You've been through so much in your life. It's okay to take your time to sort things out.

 

[person123]

You guys are so great. It seems so strange yet wonderful that I don't know any of you personally but again, you responded when no one did. I guess it is adversity what keeps us going. Take care guys. I am attaching this picture which I drew recently. My idol's. He was the only guy who gave happiness during these tough times.

That's Messi on the picture?

 

[snuffcore]

I'm sorry you've dealt with so much in your life. I understand you must be somewhat desperate to go, but you shouldn't rush yourself. It's okay to be nervous, it's okay to be scared and hesitate. It's something we all go through... Otherwise we wouldn't even be here talking to each other.
You could take a day for yourself, do things that you might still enjoy or that relax you (if any), and try to think of your SN as another part of your routine, maybe drink it at the end of the day to pretend you'll just go to sleep and ease yourself into it.

 

[cobain43]

That's Messi on the picture?

Yes, Messi