Venting trauma fucked my brain up

[sickgirlzis]

ive lived with someone who sexually abused me since i was a tween. i still live with him.

i genuinely don't know why my mom thought it was ok to make excuses and forgive him, but it's genuinely fucked me up. the intrusive thoughts, the excessive fear of men, the pessimism, the fear to be undressed or even doing anything private in my own room? it's killing me.

i suspect i've been depressed since then, and I also suspect ive always had anxiety, and since I've never been treated for any of my mental health issues, I guess it'll never really go away.
I want to be happy so badly. but I can't, not like this atleast. if I give life more chances, which I probably will, I'll never be able to undo what trauma has done to me. I'll always have these awful flashbacks of what happened to me, disgusting intrusive thoughts that I think are my own, and this feeling of just genuinely being uncomfortable having a female body (not in a gender dysphoria way.) it hurts so much, I can't even fully explain it.

I woke up to my mother saying transphobic, homophobic, and misogynistic things in a conversation with him, and it just genuinely sent me into another depressive 'episode' of sorts. i took a break from being on here because it felt worse to be on here, but i literally have nowhere else to go. i have no friends, and the ones i do have just wouldn't get it. i literally feel fucking miserable and nothing is making it better. no one cares. no one called the police when they found out. no one told my mom she was insane to have me keep living with him. i guess it never occurred in her head that ive been losing my mind all of my teenage years, because between her and my abuser, I think I'm never going to be able to stop hating myself. apparently my bisexuality is more of a thing to get upset over than a pedophile. whatever. I think there's something wrong with everyone except me I guess

 

[ma0]

You have to move out as soon as possible. I hope in the end you end up okay.

Good luck.

 

[wayn]

Thats really fucked up I m sorry

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's utterly monstrous when these things happen. Of course it's upset you this much. How are you supposed to feel safe? I can't get my head around why a mother doesn't protect their child from something like this. I agree with others- I think you need to move away if you possibly can.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

People like that are genuinely sickening and vile, and I'm so sorry your Mom, the one person who should be supporting you the most in life without question doesn't, some people should just not be allowed to raise children full stop. It's actually disgusting that she is aware about this abuse and does nothing to help you, I understand the feeling of being so disgusted with your body well, it shouldn't be the case, you should be able to move on from this and love a good life, I hope that as soon as possible you'll be able to move out of your house and live past this, wishing you the best