Story Trauma from mental hospitals

[symphony]

Ahahaha fuck me, making this post impulsively late at night because I'm having a fucking panic attack thinking about it.

I've been hospitalized 8 times now. Some were involuntary, others were technically voluntary where I agreed to go only because I was basically forced to. None were a good experience although some were far, far worse than others. I've also been held in a crisis center (not a hospital) twice. Here are some of the worst stories from those stays. I expect the post will be long and I'm sorry, but I'm having a really hard time with this right now and if anyone does read this, then thank you.

The one that has the most power over me now was my most recent hospitalization. I was in outpatient group therapy where I had previously confessed to thinking seriously about ways to kill myself but I truthfully made it clear that I had no intent to do so anytime soon. I had been deteriorating, though, and had a recent history of breaking down during group. One day I had one such breakdown and moved from my chair to hide under a table where I felt somewhat safer. Group ended early and everyone left but I planned to stay there until the scheduled end of group. I was huddled up with my hands over my face. A counselor I knew and trusted came to sit with me. She told me she was there and just sat nearby, not asking anything from me, and her presence was a great comfort. Not long later the head counselor came by to tell me I was going to a hospital and a transport team was here to take me and I started to panic as to this point I had had many bad experiences in hospitals and vowed never to go back. The head counselor read me my legal rights and by now I was crying and trying to make myself even smaller. I had my eyes squeezed shut and my arms over my face so I never got a look at anyone or even how many people were there. The transport team started talking to me, asking me to cooperate and voluntarily get on the gurney but I was freaking the fuck out and not responding. I remember someone trying to pull one of my arms away from my face and I resisted, pulling it back. So they realized I wasn't gonna cooperate. Soon, my entire body was being lifted into the air, away from my safe space under the desk. By this point I'm screaming and sobbing. I was put in 4-point restraints (again, something I have bad memories of...). They asked me if I wanted to say bye to my mom who was waiting in the lobby and I shook my head, but as I was wheeled out, she was able to touch my arm without my consent anyways.

The hospital stay that followed wasn't much better. I got put in the high-acuity ward. But despite my high suicidality and urges to self-harm, I was not on a one-to-one status and no one was watching me. I woke up alone in a bedroom and started banging my head against the wall. This went on for a while, until staff came in for the regular check. Their solution? They forced me out into the dayroom, but I refused to move, so they got a team to drag me and my mattress out to a larger common room where I was more visible. I kept a sheet covering my face the entire time. Eventually, while in the dayroom, I started banging my head again. This went on for a while again, until someone eventually came over to drag my body back onto my mattress or place a pillow under my head. Then I'd wait a bit, continue self-harming, rinse and repeat. I even tried to break my nose and considered trying to gouge my eyes out. I could have seriously hurt myself but they did not give a fuck. At one point, another patient got up in my face and started screaming at me. I don't remember doing anything while there except self-harming and sleeping. Seriously. I am certain I never left my mattress except to use the bathroom and I never attended groups or anything. I refused all food and water, in part because I hoped it would kill me. Eventually I got so weak I was transferred to the ER. At least it got me out of that fucking hospital.

I mentioned earlier I've had other experiences being restrained. I spent a month and a half at one hospital once. It was a rich hospital with a lot of resources and I was on near-constant one-to-one supervision. After about a month, I was taken off of one-to-one and I seized the opportunity. Every patient had their own bedroom and adjacent bathroom. I took a long-sleeve shirt and tied the arms together to make a crude noose... which is how I learned the bathroom doors have pressure sensors at the top. Just as suddenly, staff were surrounding me. I remember people being angry because I had just been taken off status that day because I had seemed to be doing better. But I was desperate and didn't want to fail in my attempt. I reached for my plastic toothbrush, broke it in half, and tried to slit my wrists. I actually did draw blood. And that's what got me restrained. I remember being fucking terrified as I was dragged off to some back room, forced onto a mat, wrists and ankles tied down. I was chemically sedated too. I don't remember in general how long I spent in the restraint room and the days the follow were a blur. I made regular attempts to self-harm, and my journal suggests that as a result I was restrained most days for around a week. I remember restraint started to be used as a threat, as in "you know what's gonna happen if you do that". I wasn't allowed to use a pen, pencil, or toothbrush and items as innocuous as stress toys were removed from common areas.

The crisis center deserves mention here too. It's basically a holding cell. A giant room with at least 3 dozen mats on the floor and a handful of TVs. You stay on your mat (or a cheap reclining chair if you're lucky) 24/7 except to piss or maaaaaaaaaybe see a psychiatrist once for 5 minutes (and the psychiatrists are a whole new level of dismissive). Even meals are brought right to you. Because the people there are so unstable, someone starts screaming or gets violent at least once every few hours during the day. Sometimes you'll get to see staff swarm someone and throw them to the floor. Now, a lot of my trauma (which caused PTSD) involves people having violent, loud, emotional outbursts, so eventually I had a panic attack on my mat - which went completely ignored by staff.

And an honorable mention for the hospital that gave me food poisoning then gaslit me about it even while I was up at 3 am vomiting 10 times in a row.

Sorry for the goddamn essay, but if you made it this far, again, thank you. I just felt the need to share and even just typing this out helped relieve some of this. Feel free to respond with feedback or share your own stories.

 

[demuic]

I'm sorry for your experiences. It's not uncommon and it's appalling that this is the state of "mental health care" which is considered acceptable and somehow helpful to people who are in dire need. There is no "getting better" in these kinds of neglectful and often times actively abusive environments.

It's either "voluntary" psych jail or "involuntary" psych jail. There's no choice in the matter. If you cannot actually choose not to go if that is what you desire then it is nothing more than imprisonment. "For your own good" is a common sentiment that comes before human rights violations.

My experience was not traumatic but it was enough for me to know I will never be going back. They really make you feel you are not a person, but some stupid, hysterical creature. It is disgusting to me how psychiatric imprisonment is considered the punishment for a failed attempt (and other issues.)

There may be some genuinely helpful ones but very many are in a dire state.

 

[Al_stargate]

Rough man. Don't know why sometimes people, in general, think those places are not that bad when they are absolutely nightmarish. Visited a friend two times who was in a state mental clinic and it just creeped me out. That's why I don't tell anyone about being suicidal, don't want to end up there.

OP or anyone else, if you have any anecdotes and stories about those places, it would be interesting reading.

Often people who commit horrible crimes will try and claim insanity in hopes to be put in a mental ward instead of a prison. Not sure if I understand that. Being pumped medications in a closed ward around a bunch of violently crazy people for a long time would wear on a person real soon, I imagine.

 

[lili]

I'm sorry you went through all this, I've been too mental hospitals quite a few times too and it's also a traumatic experience. It's quite ironic people insist in sending you there because they don't want you to ctb, yet for me, going to one of those hospitals would make me want to ctb even more.

I've gone through a few dramatic moments, of having public breakdowns, psychosis infused with paranoia. Locking myself in a closet screaming, paramedics coming and being very rude. I have been placed on those 24 hour supervision rooms, I don't know what their official name is. But there's nothing more terrible than to go through a psychotic episode, where I'm actively thinking that everyone is conspiring to kill me, to the point that every food item they give me I don't want to eat because I think it's poison, and then it's this shitty room with two arm chairs and a bright light. Not even a bed. Of course my psychosis will grow worse like that.

The problem is that they treat mental illness like a physical illness. While the brain is an organ with chemicals that need to be regulated, a lot of our issues we ultimately just need someone to see us and show they love us and care about us. So they just study us, give us medications and stabilize us in an impersonal manner.

I also feel I really dislike that people with very different problems are paired in the same groups and in the same rooms. I remember there was this guy that never really spoke and was just generally fine, he would just aimlessly walk around and everyone would just let him be. One day he had a breakdown where he was crying a lot, and all of a sudden I see a bunch of nurses tackle him to the floor, pull his pants down and put a sedative injection on his butt cheek. That was so extreme why did they do that? That moment really scarred me.

And then not having any doors in your room. That freaks me out, because when I was growing up even as a teenager my mom would never let me close my bedroom door so she could always see what I was doing. Which was really terrible for privacy. And then to have such lack of privacy affects me even more, and they just come with those flashlights all night checking.

I hate it so much. I'm so sorry you went through that.

 

[silent staring void]

That sounds horrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

OP or anyone else, if you have any anecdotes and stories about those places, it would be interesting reading.

I only was at a voluntary outpatient unit one time, and it was really helpful for me personally. I did lie to them about my suicidal ideation though. But I don't think that they handled it badly. One girl made a suicide attempt while she was there, and they only gave her sedatives and talked to her. They didn't transfer her to the involuntary ward, even though this was officially the policy. Another guy said he was suicidal, same thing happened.
However, one patient there had been committed at an involuntary unit for three months before, where the patients were not allowed to touch each other at all. They were so touch starved that they met in secret at night to hug each other. That's heartbreaking.

 

[Cathy Ames]

It is totally understandable that you have trauma and scary associations. That's freaking awful. I hate that those things happened to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you went through, it must have been unbearable. I have a fear of hospitals, it would be one of my worst nightmares ending up in one. I wish you the best.

 

[symphony]

I'm sorry you went through all this, I've been too mental hospitals quite a few times too and it's also a traumatic experience. It's quite ironic people insist in sending you there because they don't want you to ctb, yet for me, going to one of those hospitals would make me want to ctb even more.

I've gone through a few dramatic moments, of having public breakdowns, psychosis infused with paranoia. Locking myself in a closet screaming, paramedics coming and being very rude. I have been placed on those 24 hour supervision rooms, I don't know what their official name is. But there's nothing more terrible than to go through a psychotic episode, where I'm actively thinking that everyone is conspiring to kill me, to the point that every food item they give me I don't want to eat because I think it's poison, and then it's this shitty room with two arm chairs and a bright light. Not even a bed. Of course my psychosis will grow worse like that.

The problem is that they treat mental illness like a physical illness. While the brain is an organ with chemicals that need to be regulated, a lot of our issues we ultimately just need someone to see us and show they love us and care about us. So they just study us, give us medications and stabilize us in an impersonal manner.

I also feel I really dislike that people with very different problems are paired in the same groups and in the same rooms. I remember there was this guy that never really spoke and was just generally fine, he would just aimlessly walk around and everyone would just let him be. One day he had a breakdown where he was crying a lot, and all of a sudden I see a bunch of nurses tackle him to the floor, pull his pants down and put a sedative injection on his butt cheek. That was so extreme why did they do that? That moment really scarred me.

And then not having any doors in your room. That freaks me out, because when I was growing up even as a teenager my mom would never let me close my bedroom door so she could always see what I was doing. Which was really terrible for privacy. And then to have such lack of privacy affects me even more, and they just come with those flashlights all night checking.

I hate it so much. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Thanks for sharing your story. It's always helpful to see I'm not alone in this, even if it breaks my heart that others have been there too.

It is totally understandable that you have trauma and scary associations. That's freaking awful. I hate that those things happened to you.

Thanks for your supportive words. I feel like I can't even talk honestly about the real trauma this has caused to therapists because mental health professionals insist this is a good thing and I'm usually blamed - it's my fault for self-harming, my fault for not cooperating.

And thank you to everyone else who has read and/or replied. I just needed to let this out last night.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

I'm sorry for you.
I also had experience of such involuntary hospitalization. It wouldn't have happened if i knew the laws better, but i was under aminazine, so the ambulance staff and the workers in the reception hall managed to fool me.
One month spent as if in prison. During the time i spent there, i talked to a psychiatrist only once, lol. In the clinic where i was, it was forbidden to cry, be sad, laugh, talk loudly, look out the window (this could be counted as an attempt to escape from the clinic), refuse nasty food, drink too much water (in their opinion). Nurses monitored the actions and conversations, and for the listed things, doctors could extend the period of stay in this fucking clinic. You could only sit in a certain room from 9 am to 8 pm and read books. Walking through the corridors, going to the toilet, washing - only with an accompanying nurse. I have seen nurses beating people, dragging them down the corridor by their hair, and what's important doing this to really sick people. We took a shower once a week, hah
The funny thing was that during the period when i was there, something went wrong with their allocated budget, so they ran out of drinking water. Bottles of water had to be bought by nurses (who receive negligible pennies for their work). Relatives were asked to send water and toilet paper to the hospital. Sometimes it turned out that the nurses brought only 12 liters of water per day for 33 people, so we all drank from the tap there sometimes
Treatment essentially consisted only in the selection of medications, but everyone was (almost) prescribed antipsychotics. I don't know how worried the doctors were about choosing the dosage, but patients often felt bad to the point of convulsions. Also, due to the fact that the day was spent on chairs in one room, many simply slept on tables that were small and low (as well as fucking wooden chairs) for the reason that this hospital department was previously intended for preschool children
Don't know exactly for what I'm writing this. But in any case, fuck state psychiatric hospitals, especially in Russia, hah

 

[Kurinoy]

I've been 10 times in psych wards and had bad and good experiences. Mostly bad ngl. I was with people who were transfered from jail because of psychiatric problems, which means I saw murder attempts there. I almost got into fights, I self harmed, I got tied up.

I saw a patient attacking a nurse and stealing her syringe to start threatening everyone with it.