Trauma and the dilemma of just giving in

[dumpsterfire]

my life's story is incomplete, for fear of getting banned or some retarded shit i wont say my age, but compared to a lot on this site im really young. I was groomed very many times, before i was even a teenager, and im now just learning some of the dark things that happened to my younger self. Instead of telling me what happened and that it was wrong and not my fault that older men hurt me, my parents instead avoided it completely and blamed me for not doing what i was supposed to. I grew up too quickly, and i was ruined and tainted. I didnt have a childhood, because my parents didnt know how to deal with a child so they made me into an adult so they could deal with me. They treated me like an employee, and my dad always told me facts not feelings, my mom discouraged me drawing girls without smiles because i should draw happy drawings. happy drawings would make me happier. I got really depressed as a kid because my parents took me into a cyber charter and socially isolated me, putting me in a cubicle at their work from 6-5pm. The only thing i was allowed to do was walk to a grocery store and a chick filet for lunch and a monster. I really liked the walks because i got to watch people from afar and listen to music and do retarded little dances to them without worrying about someone looking into my cubicle and giving me a weird look. I found my only source of the outside world through online. I would constantly use my school provided tablet and macbook to go to a website called pixilart and call my friends on zoom, i would vent and they would lead me down some dark paths. I stole a laptop and got discord, and i found some toxic friends who got me into some drugs and got groomed yet again. I sold my body for validation, because in my mind sex and romance were what i had to give for the exchange of love. I craved the validation of older men, because it was familiar and it felt so good to have someone tell me i was beautiful and smart and that they loved me. im scared and i always have been, im a petrified little girl masquerading as a confident strong adult. i dont know what im doing anymore, i dont know why i dont just kill myself now. what thread of care do i have for the people in my life who care about me anymore. i bitched to my situationship ffor over an hour about my problems and i cried and i just left. he's texting me that i shouldnt have said sorry for bitching and that i had a rough go of it ect whatever whatever, but i dont want his pity. i hurt him and will continue to hurt him and i dont know what he sees in me enough to stay. I don't know how people see me as normal and optimistic when nothing matters and we're all just going to die anyways. i just need the end to be here, or i just need to stop breathing. whichever comes first.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. There do seem to be a large proportion of youngsters here these days- so- you aren't alone there. I do hope you're at least 18 though and not a minor. It does seem unfair to turf people who are clearly struggling out but I suppose there has to be a cut off point.

I don't know what to say really about your story. It's just so sad and appalling how some people are treated in life. Who can really blame you for not wanting relationships with those that hurt you? Is it your boyfriend who was being supportive? I imagine what has happened to you must impact all your relationships. It does sound like he's willing to accept that though. I guess it's up to you whether you want to accept that also. It's got to feel hard for you to trust after what has happened to you. I'm sorry.

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

Please don't be ashamed of not being able to go through with killing yourself. It's a difficult thing to pull off, even when you are suicidal. SI can be a bitch in that regard, and too much of a lack of motivation can stop you even from dying.

People are worse at noticing emotions than they think. It's not all Disney levels of obvious, and many people will subconsciously mask their real thoughts, feelings and behaviours, in a bid to fit in without even thinking about it. If you've had to act like a happy adult even as a child, I wouldn't be surprised if you're now unable to express your emotions as you would've wanted to, to be able to communicate how you really feel. It's not your fault either, that's just how it worked out, for better or for worse. It sucks, and I suck at expressing what I truly feel as well - a smile is often a reflex more so than an expression of happiness for me, for instance - but it is what it is.

It's despicable of those older men to have manipulated you; you were just a kid. If you can report them, do, but don't feel guilty for simply wanting love. What your parents did was neglectful at best, and abusive at worst, and it's no wonder you wound up trying to seek love elsewhere. You're also not ruined, or tainted. You've been hurt, and badly, yes, but you're not some broken doll or a tainted blanket. You're a human being. You losing that inexperience of things you shouldn't have had at that age doesn't make you somehow lesser, ruined, or tainted. You were a strong child who did her best, and you strayed during adolescence... but that's not terribly uncommon. A lot of teenagers do. It doesn't make what the people in your life that abused or took advantage of you did, but you going behind your parents' backs, or stealing devices so that you could find some way of socialising is pretty standard. It ain't right, but it's not some absolutely horrible thing either. You do what you feel you have to when you're desperate.

I wish there was a safe place for young people to vent -- it would've helped so much back when I was a teenager.

As for your boyfriend, he's not wrong. You shouldn't feel sorry. I wouldn't consider that pity, he's just stating the truth there. Maybe he sees strength in you? I don't know you very well, admittedly, so that was the only thing I could think of from what I've read. Maybe also your love -- I mean, you say you don't want to hurt him. So, clearly, you care for him. That alone is a desirable trait. I mean, you were willing to get into some pretty dangerous situations for love, so I'd say deep down you know how desirable love is for the people that want it in their lives.

Sure, we all will die someday anyway, but... we might still be able to choose how and when we go out. If it takes fighting tooth and nail and possibly going behind people's backs, humans can be surprisingly stubborn in their desire to control their life and death. To the point where we've increased life expectancy by a great deal over the course of our species' existence, eradicated diseases, and found treatments and cures for some others. One of the things we don't have is a global recognition that death isn't a bad thing and that it's a mercy for some that should be legalized to give people the option. And, y'know, safety from predators. Humanity is a work in progress.

If you want to leave this plane of existence early, there are methods out there.

If you want to keep fighting, even if it keeps hurting, there are methods for that too.

If you're undecided, feel free to keep venting and searching for what it is that you want for as long as you need.

I hope you find peace regardless.

 

[SolomonKado]

I know this feels like hell to go through …I freaking wish I could take this pain and trauma from you, but I can't even deal with my own…

I feel couples should have to go through the worst hell and training before they can have kids. This way they are guaranteed to be the parents they are supposed to be…they would have to be fully determined to go through with it..burn alive the ones who don't go through it and just have sex because it feels good…Fucking there's a thing called "safe sex" for a reason. It all seems okay until a dead baby is found in the dumpster.

When my daughter was about 10 a boy from school would show her porn on magazines and his tablet. He kept doing this for awhile and tried to get her to come to his house. My ex found out and got the police involved. Come to find out that his parents were going to kidnap her and sell her body like they've done to other kids. This world is disgusting and it just continues and some just tell you to accept it because they don't want to take the effort to make it better. It's trauma.. and sure you have ptsd from it. Rising up through your thoughts from time to time to torment you.I know the feeling. It can mold you into the person you don't want to be if you let it, but fighting it is torment in itself too.

Just keep venting here and coming back. You'll find more support here then anywhere else because we all understand one way or another. People don't just shove suicide down your throat. They just want you to find your peace no matter what that is.

Also the whole age thing is because "Pro lifers" are doing everything they can to destroy this community. If you assist or tell anyone to commit suicide then you could see jail time. Not on you. Some People just don't like everyone to have freedom because their views are different.