Trapped

[NoChoice]

I am in a situation that can only be described as being trapped. My options/potential outcomes are roughly as follows:

• Suffer through my disabilities/damages and work constantly at a job I hate just to sustain a life I completely hate living
  
• Quit work and take on disabled role probably by plaguing family with the burden of my existence while making myself feel even worse for allowing my suffering to bleed over into other's lives
  
• Torture myself by going to a mental hospital and probably being given more psychiatric drugs which is what damaged me in the first place
  
• Do nothing at all and be abandoned by family, end up homeless or in jail, do something impulsive that I would regret etc.
  
• Attempt CTB & fail giving me even worse permanent damages (vegetative state, coma or paralysis etc.) or landing me in the ward and ruining my already terrible image with friends and family members
• Attempt CTB and succeed, freeing me from this flesh prison of damaged mind and body but ultimately (inevitably) projecting me into the unknown and likely eternal oblivion

None of these options appeal to me at all, but eventually with time one of them will happen. My choice is obvious, as there is not much of a choice, if any, but I wanted to lay these out as a test of my own understanding of the situation while also asking you:

Are you trapped? If so, how and why? What are your options? Which one will you choose? Which one will happen if you do nothing?


I was an optimist throughout most of my life with a healthy amount of realism but some situations have no silver lining and no escape. No matter what I do from this position (or don't do) I will feel anxious about it, doubt my decision or lack thereof, regret it and ultimately continue to suffer (or cast my suffering onto others through ctb). I'm not asking for pity or to be encouraged/discouraged but if you believe I am rational and have thought this through, given it time to improve and that I do have the will to live (all of which I would argue to be true) then this would tell you how you can end up in situations where you are completely trapped by every possible outcome, whether it is your fault or not. I am sure some of you have unfortunately also learned this is possible the hard way, having no control or choice in the quality and end result of your fate both living and dead.

 

[odette]

Being trapped is absolute hell! Having all these options and all of them is terrible! :-(

How is your relationship with your family? Is there any way you could basically show them this forum post, like maybe even print it out and hand it to them? How do you think they would react if you let them know this is what you are facing?

 

[NoChoice]

Being trapped is absolute hell! Having all these options and all of them is terrible! :-(

How is your relationship with your family? Is there any way you could basically show them this forum post, like maybe even print it out and hand it to them? How do you think they would react if you let them know this is what you are facing?

I have already tried to explain to them what happened, which is that via a rare adverse reaction to a psychiatric drug I never should've been given, I have sustained severe life ruining brain damage, since I still have basic motor function and the ability to speak (not much beyond that) they just look at me like I'm crazy. Some of that is my fault because I have always been really quiet/introverted and at times not as close as I should've been with my family, so it is probably hard or impossible for them to notice how drastically negative this change/damage is from the outside, as it is purely inner destruction. I don't want to plague them with taking care of me, I did that for my life as a kid already and they were good to me. Especially considering that there is nothing they or anyone can do to fix this, it comes down to me suffering alone or choosing to inflict it on others with the burden of trying to help something that can't be helped, I can't find any good reason for that. I would describe this as something not far from a vegetative state in the sense that I'm suffering and all that keeping me alive does is burden my loves ones, waste time, waste money/resources, waste energy etc.

 

[Sickman75]

I am in a situation that can only be described as being trapped. My options/potential outcomes are roughly as follows:

• Suffer through my disabilities/damages and work constantly at a job I hate just to sustain a life I completely hate living
  
• Quit work and take on disabled role probably by plaguing family with the burden of my existence while making myself feel even worse for allowing my suffering to bleed over into other's lives
  
• Torture myself by going to a mental hospital and probably being given more psychiatric drugs which is what damaged me in the first place
  
• Do nothing at all and be abandoned by family, end up homeless or in jail, do something impulsive that I would regret etc.
  
• Attempt CTB & fail giving me even worse permanent damages (vegetative state, coma or paralysis etc.) or landing me in the ward and ruining my already terrible image with friends and family members
• Attempt CTB and succeed, freeing me from this flesh prison of damaged mind and body but ultimately (inevitably) projecting me into the unknown and likely eternal oblivion

None of these options appeal to me at all, but eventually with time one of them will happen. My choice is obvious, as there is not much of a choice, if any, but I wanted to lay these out as a test of my own understanding of the situation while also asking you:

Are you trapped? If so, how and why? What are your options? Which one will you choose? Which one will happen if you do nothing?


I was an optimist throughout most of my life with a healthy amount of realism but some situations have no silver lining and no escape. No matter what I do from this position (or don't do) I will feel anxious about it, doubt my decision or lack thereof, regret it and ultimately continue to suffer (or cast my suffering onto others through ctb). I'm not asking for pity or to be encouraged/discouraged but if you believe I am rational and have thought this through, given it time to improve and that I do have the will to live (all of which I would argue to be true) then this would tell you how you can end up in situations where you are completely trapped by every possible outcome, whether it is your fault or not. I am sure some of you have unfortunately also learned this is possible the hard way, having no control or choice in the quality and end result of your fate both living and dead.

Ultimately the goal is always to live right?
What would happen if you found a different job and lived on your own, and if you still needed assistance from your family, maybe that could be part of the plan somehow? That's the only choice given almost that's not on your list of options. I don't know how you and your family are. If there supportive or not. Although, there is serious freedom when being homeless living on the streets. Living that lifestyle offers no accountability of ones life, find a shelter that offers food or a salvation army. Finding a place to sleep every night making your claim, maybe even work from time to time for food or shelter or for drugs. You may even have to travel to another bigger city that is ok with street living. Like Seattle or Portland for an example. It's not an easy life but it can be done. Hop a train and get to the next city when the resources run low. Find your people.
Those are my thoughts.
And when I said assistance maybe they could help with your rent,food, supplies for the month. You don't have to get some complicated job that's going to cause stress that will make you not want to work. There's alot of jobs out there that will give you plenty of time on your own to think and be by yourself. Lile a janitor/cleaner or dishwasher/cleaner something that doesn't require alot of work but pays something to get you to show up

 

[odette]

That's a start, but it sounds like they have no idea that you feel so trapped. Can you try putting those options in front of them and letting them know that you feel those are your only options? Maybe ask them if they have any suggestions for any other options?

 

[NoChoice]

Ultimately the goal is always to live right?
What would happen if you found a different job and lived on your own, and if you still needed assistance from your family, maybe that could be part of the plan somehow? That's the only choice given almost that's not on your list of options. I don't know how you and your family are. If there supportive or not. Although, there is serious freedom when being homeless living on the streets. Living that lifestyle offers no accountability of ones life, find a shelter that offers food or a salvation army. Finding a place to sleep every night making your claim, maybe even work from time to time for food or shelter or for drugs. You may even have to travel to another bigger city that is ok with street living. Like Seattle or Portland for an example. It's not an easy life but it can be done. Hop a train and get to the next city when the resources run low. Find your people.
Those are my thoughts.
And when I said assistance maybe they could help with your rent,food, supplies for the month. You don't have to get some complicated job that's going to cause stress that will make you not want to work. There's alot of jobs out there that will give you plenty of time on your own to think and be by yourself. Lile a janitor/cleaner or dishwasher/cleaner something that doesn't require alot of work but pays something to get you to show up

Hmm, homelessness honestly is one of the better options if I choose to live. I didn't think of it quite like that. Thanks, I'll keep that in mind if I choose to stay alive much longer.

 

[Made4TV]

Out of curiosity, has someone told you that you will never improve or get better?

 

[VoloFataliDoce]

That's exactly how I feel tonight - trapped. It doesn't seem like it's possible to have any kind of positive future at all. I want so badly to die, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I've tried - several times - and none of them worked. I don't want to have to endure the pain of failure again. I wish I could hire a hitman to help me out; it would make things much easier.

I can relate to you. I wish I knew what to say to help you or encourage you, but I'm coming up short. I'm sorry you're suffering. It sucks.

 

[Zzzzz]

Hmm, homelessness honestly is the best option. I didn't think of it quite like that. Thanks, I'll keep that in mind if I choose to stay alive much longer.

It might be worth saying there is a cost for that emotional freedom. -physical comfort. It will be tough living on the streets. You will most likely be cold, hot, hungry, uncomfortable at times. Living in a shelter on the other hand does provide some basic needs, but I personally still felt trapped there.

 

[Surferonce]

Out of curiosity, has someone told you that you will never improve or get better?

I heard that I am a "hopeless case".

 

[NoChoice]

Out of curiosity, has someone told you that you will never improve or get better?

No, actually the opposite which is super misinformed and oblivious to the severity of the situation. I have learned myself that I am hopeless, over 2 years of suffering with literally almost no recovery.