Venting Trapped by fear

[DesperateDan]

I feel so trapped. I was far from happy with my life when I was able to take my medications without too much thought. Now though I have developed a fear of the medications, and even worse I have developed a terrible fear of choking, so now I am afraid of swallowing my pills as well as what they are doing to me in my body. The fear of choking has spread to food too, all I have been able to eat today is a bowl of chicken soup and two slices of bread, and even at that I was afraid that I was going to choke on the tiny pieces of chicken in the soup. I can't continue to go on living like this, I need peace, though I am afraid of messing up CTB. I just feel completely trapped by fear

 

[MeltingBrain]

That sounds awful .
What did the doctors say on your fear of choking ?

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful feeling so trapped in that situation, I find it so inhumane how we cannot just easily leave this existence in peace despite all the endless suffering that exists. But anyway I hope you eventually find what you search for, it's horrible how people even have to worry about suicide methods failing in the first place.

 

[DesperateDan]

That sounds awful .
What did the doctors say on your fear of choking ?

Yeah its a living nightmare. I haven't been able to have my throat properly looked at yet, though it is possibly more due to my mental state than a physical problem with my throat. It might be a thing called globus hystericus, and though there may not be a physical blockage in my throat, the feeling that there is, is frightening enough to cause me to avoid swallowing my pills and eating properly

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah its a living nightmare. I haven't been able to have my throat properly looked at yet, though it is possibly more due to my mental state than a physical problem with my throat. It might be a thing called globus hystericus, and though there may not be a physical blockage in my throat, the feeling that there is, is frightening enough to cause me to avoid swallowing my pills and eating properly

So you when you swallow stuff you get a tangible choking sensation?

 

[DesperateDan]

So you when you swallow stuff you get a tangible choking sensation?

Yes It feels like its just sitting there in my throat, and I am constantly trying to clear my throat but I can still feel it

 

[sserafim]

I feel so trapped. I was far from happy with my life when I was able to take my medications without too much thought. Now though I have developed a fear of the medications, and even worse I have developed a terrible fear of choking, so now I am afraid of swallowing my pills as well as what they are doing to me in my body. The fear of choking has spread to food too, all I have been able to eat today is a bowl of chicken soup and two slices of bread, and even at that I was afraid that I was going to choke on the tiny pieces of chicken in the soup. I can't continue to go on living like this, I need peace, though I am afraid of messing up CTB. I just feel completely trapped by fear

Same, fear of failing an attempt and being left with permanent damage is keeping me here. I wish there could be a method that was 100% successful with no risk of failure

 

[DesperateDan]

It must be really dreadful feeling so trapped in that situation, I find it so inhumane how we cannot just easily leave this existence in peace despite all the endless suffering that exists. But anyway I hope you eventually find what you search for, it's horrible how people even have to worry about suicide methods failing in the first place.

Thank you and yes I agree, I really wish humans were built with a self destruct button for if life becomes unbearable.

Same, fear of failing an attempt and being left with permanent damage is keeping me here. I wish there could be a method that was 100% successful with no risk of failure

If I had access to certain things then I am pretty certain I could do it in a way to ensure that there was zero chance of failure, sadly though I do not have access to those things, otherwise I am pretty sure id be gone already

 

[carac]

This is going to sound harsh but what does it matter if you choke? you want to ctb anyway so what is the worst that can happen? So you will feel extremely uncomfortable, it's just pain, it's not doing anything structural, just eat and reassure yourself you are OK.

 

[DesperateDan]

This is going to sound harsh but what does it matter if you choke? you want to ctb anyway so what is the worst that can happen? So you will feel extremely uncomfortable, it's just pain, it's not doing anything structural, just eat and reassure yourself you are OK.

I want to ctb because I can't cope with living in fear every waking moment. I don't want to go out by choking to death, I want it to be as quick and as painless as possible, think me a coward if you wish but I have suffered a massive amount in my life already, and I have so little tolerance now to suffer more

 

[carac]

I want to ctb because I can't cope with living in fear every waking moment. I don't want to go out by choking to death, I want it to be as quick and as painless as possible, think me a coward if you wish but I have suffered a massive amount in my life already, and I have so little tolerance now to suffer more

I've been there, it's a vicious cycle, anxiety causes pain and pain causes more anxiety. I very much doubt you are a coward, I just expect nobody has told you or you don't believe that you are safe.

 

[DesperateDan]

I want to ctb because I can't cope with living in fear every waking moment. I don't want to go out by choking to death, I want it to be as quick and as painless as possible, think me a coward if you wish but I have suffered a massive amount in my life already, and I have so little tolerance now to suffe

I've been there, it's a vicious cycle, anxiety causes pain and pain causes more anxiety. I very much doubt you are a coward, I just expect nobody has told you or you don't believe that you are safe.

I think you are right, the core of the problem is likely rooted in exactly that, 'not feeling safe'. I had a pretty traumatic childhood, my mother was mentally unwell and an alcoholic, she died when I was 9. My father was violent and abusive. I ended up being taken into care and I was mistreated there too, so I very rarely ever felt safe, and I would say that it probably is linked

 

[carac]

I think you are right, the core of the problem is likely rooted in exactly that, 'not feeling safe'. I had a pretty traumatic childhood, my mother was mentally unwell and an alcoholic, she died when I was 9. My father was violent and abusive. I ended up being taken into care and I was mistreated there too, so I very rarely ever felt safe, and I would say that it probably is linked

Then you are part way there. Obviously the most important thing is to be cleared by a doctor so you don't miss anything structural. You have identified all the trauma you have been through so it's not surprising you just need to try and reinforce that in your brain. When you feel your throat tighten just tell yourself it's just your reflexes, there's nothing wrong. You might even start to make associations, so like if you see some alcohol or some violence on tv it might trigger and you notice your symptoms are worse but making that association will affirm that physically you are safe.