Story Transitioning gave me a sense of self and yet i still wanna die

[systemic_livestock]

I (mtf 19) just wanna put this out here because I kinda stuck on if sucide is right for me honestly, I think about it all the time but I'm honestly scared to die sometimes unlike how it used to be. After transitioning ive found myself making progress having actual friends, its given me an idea of self to me but I still have this overwhelming feeling of dread, unlike when I was younger sucide actually feels like the killing of myself. I remember growing up before transitioning feeling like I was born dead, I viewed myself in the 3rd person never cared about anything at all expect doing the bare minimum to not be sent into therapy when it cane to hygiene, school, talking to others and eating, i felt like i always wanted to die but i never knew why, i cried myself to sleep all the time because i wasn't born a girl all i did for most my life was isolate, play video games, masterbate and read a bit about history, i entered into a sucide pact but latter chickened out of fear of pain because i knew i didn't have the mental strength to go against my instincts and slit my wrists like the planned method.

This was my normal untill hs when I transitioned I got bullied out of my male friend group but I made new friends who supported me and ive actually started enjoying my hobbies i started to express myself to the world dispight not everyone being supportive or my parents viewing it as a phase and not letting me on hrt and i felt like i was watching myself rot away with my male puberty. After turning 18 went on hrt, i actual put in work for once for school and passed highschool (barely with a 1.95 gpa) and I don't hate the reflection in the mirror as much but I feel what if I dont pass ever, what if I go back to my old habits and don't do well enough in community college to transfer to a 4 year and get my masters in history. Even if everything goes right the world doesn't feel safe yet for people like me honestly, the world economic is in a decline and as history which is a humanities subject is there much of a place in the job market for my skills, I can't imagine myself studying anything else because history is the only subject I actually put any effort into learning. I wanna be successful, be a historian, a very attractive passing transwomen, get married to a man of my dreams but then again what for it i end up a per my username just livestock to system making ends meet working 2-3 minimum wage jobs just to say afloat always facing discrimination for being trans, do men like trannies with mental baggage and self harm scars. Maby I'm over thinking things but I'm kinda worried what if I keep living this miserable life always thinking wish I had killed myself sooner. Or maby I will one day live a good life looking back at this time as just a dark period of my early life.

Maby I wasn't meant to be happy in this world, if I am to be reincarnated perhaps I'd be in a world safer for me to be myself. I weirdly feel really sad about other people CTB dispight I knowing it brings them the rest they deserve and yet when the topic is about myself I hold fear both that I'll regret killing myself or that its is the right path for me that I should do as soon as possible. I certainly feel i atlest enjoyed my friends in highschool so maby my life wasn't a waste.

 

[NutOrat]

Hi. I don't have much to contribute other than sympathy. You're very brave for being yourself, in a world that hasn't yet accepted to people like you. I'm hoping you get the love you deserve, and as the time goes on more and more people become accepting of trans folks. You should try to live the life you want, I think, and you'll always have the option later.

Also I really love your pfp! You mentioned you want to be a historian, how fitting) Love the mix of anime and byzantine mosaics <3

 

[systemic_livestock]

Hi. I don't have much to contribute other than sympathy. You're very brave for being yourself, in a world that hasn't yet accepted to people like you. I'm hoping you get the love you deserve, and as the time goes on more and more people become accepting of trans folks. You should try to live the life you want, I think, and you'll always have the option later.

Also I really love your pfp! You mentioned you want to be a historian, how fitting) Love the mix of anime and byzantine mosaics <3

Thankyou so much for responding, on the point of "more and more people becoming accepting of trans folks" i hope that is the case it is just the world is under alot of stress right now people tend to want to vote in more hardline authoritarian type people in times of stress, I wounder what that would mean for different minorities such as myself. Will we see if this tend reverses, I wounder how the world is goona look after bit, depending on how things go in the United States I might CTB or maby move to Canada if its safe, hopefully maby I'll give you guys a goodbye massage talking about my success in life and recovery.

thx my pfp is of the main character of milk inside a bag of milk 2 a Russian game in the anime artstyle, likewise the mosaic is of the emperor Justinian, funny enough my professor chewed me out for referring to Eastern Roman empire or the late imperal Rome as the Byzantines because "its a modern name the people at the time didn't use" lol :3, I dont personally think it matters. I wish you luck stranger ether on your recovery or painless and quick CTB.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I'm trans too and I felt exactly like you did at one point in my life. People were a lot nicer to me than they were to you and I'm very sorry about that, but I definitely know the feeling of not knowing about the future and not knowing if I would ever find love or succeed or pass. I would say that if you work hard in community college you can absolutely make it to graduate school and get a degree in history. I would also say that there are definitely men out there who will still like you regardless of your mental baggage and you being trans. They're quite rare though so good luck finding one.

In terms of passing, it's difficult. Passing in my experience mostly depends on two things, luck (physical appearance), and voice training. Only one of those things is really in your control so work hard on voice training and if you're lucky you should be able to pass no problem. The better your voice sounds the more likely you are to pass regardless of your appearance, though appearance still is a major factor. I really hope everything works out for you it's sad to see so many of my trans sisters on here struggling :(. If you ever want to talk feel free to dm me I'm always down to talk to more trans people on here :).

 

[systemic_livestock]

I'm trans too and I felt exactly like you did at one point in my life. People were a lot nicer to me than they were to you and I'm very sorry about that, but I definitely know the feeling of not knowing about the future and not knowing if I would ever find love or succeed or pass. I would say that if you work hard in community college you can absolutely make it to graduate school and get a degree in history. I would also say that there are definitely men out there who will still like you regardless of your mental baggage and you being trans. They're quite rare though so good luck finding one.

In terms of passing, it's difficult. Passing in my experience mostly depends on two things, luck (physical appearance), and voice training. Only one of those things is really in your control so work hard on voice training and if you're lucky you should be able to pass no problem. The better your voice sounds the more likely you are to pass regardless of your appearance, though appearance still is a major factor. I really hope everything works out for you it's sad to see so many of my trans sisters on here struggling :(. If you ever want to talk feel free to dm me I'm always down to talk to more trans people on here :).

Thankyou, I think what you mentioned is completely correct and I'm find men do wanna have sex/date me but its never a real relationship that lasts past a month, its mostly about this fantasy of theirs or a fedish to date a transwomen especially one as depressed as me its never a long lasting real relationship. I hope to fix things definitely on this front and find someone who loves me for me.

On the point about voice training I feel ive got it down its just very occasionally I'll mess up idk if only in my head or not though. A non mention thing that helps is learning more feminine behavior or how to think more like like ones perceived gender i feel dispight my male dominanted interests in Star Wars, milltary history or nerd culture I pass on that front if be a weird nerdy women (You don't wanna overdo it anyways most women aren't all as hyperfemine as some might think). really just the appearance that fucks me idk, if its only because ive only been on hrt for a bit over a year but dispight the feminine features I acquired from being a wasian I still have a boxy face to the point people irl call me she probably because of the voice but when asking on /pasgen/ 4chan its always your androgynous, I see that alot when I ask my more blunt friend she always tells me I look androgynous too which probably makes me easy to clock as trans if one were to put in the effort. It could definitely be worse though but it stresses me out sometimes. Its a shame so many of our sisters are going through this and are on the website, I like imagine we all get reincarnated in the fully womens bodies we see ourselves as. I wish to see that my situation changes a bit more for a better and same goes for you for whatever reason you find yourself on this site if not I wish our deaths painless and quick. <3

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I (mtf 19) just wanna put this out here because I kinda stuck on if sucide is right for me honestly, I think about it all the time but I'm honestly scared to die sometimes unlike how it used to be. After transitioning ive found myself making progress having actual friends, its given me an idea of self to me but I still have this overwhelming feeling of dread, unlike when I was younger sucide actually feels like the killing of myself. I remember growing up before transitioning feeling like I was born dead, I viewed myself in the 3rd person never cared about anything at all expect doing the bare minimum to not be sent into therapy when it cane to hygiene, school, talking to others and eating, i felt like i always wanted to die but i never knew why, i cried myself to sleep all the time because i wasn't born a girl all i did for most my life was isolate, play video games, masterbate and read a bit about history, i entered into a sucide pact but latter chickened out of fear of pain because i knew i didn't have the mental strength to go against my instincts and slit my wrists like the planned method.

This was my normal untill hs when I transitioned I got bullied out of my male friend group but I made new friends who supported me and ive actually started enjoying my hobbies i started to express myself to the world dispight not everyone being supportive or my parents viewing it as a phase and not letting me on hrt and i felt like i was watching myself rot away with my male puberty. After turning 18 went on hrt, i actual put in work for once for school and passed highschool (barely with a 1.95 gpa) and I don't hate the reflection in the mirror as much but I feel what if I dont pass ever, what if I go back to my old habits and don't do well enough in community college to transfer to a 4 year and get my masters in history. Even if everything goes right the world doesn't feel safe yet for people like me honestly, the world economic is in a decline and as history which is a humanities subject is there much of a place in the job market for my skills, I can't imagine myself studying anything else because history is the only subject I actually put any effort into learning. I wanna be successful, be a historian, a very attractive passing transwomen, get married to a man of my dreams but then again what for it i end up a per my username just livestock to system making ends meet working 2-3 minimum wage jobs just to say afloat always facing discrimination for being trans, do men like trannies with mental baggage and self harm scars. Maby I'm over thinking things but I'm kinda worried what if I keep living this miserable life always thinking wish I had killed myself sooner. Or maby I will one day live a good life looking back at this time as just a dark period of my early life.

Maby I wasn't meant to be happy in this world, if I am to be reincarnated perhaps I'd be in a world safer for me to be myself. I weirdly feel really sad about other people CTB dispight I knowing it brings them the rest they deserve and yet when the topic is about myself I hold fear both that I'll regret killing myself or that its is the right path for me that I should do as soon as possible. I certainly feel i atlest enjoyed my friends in highschool so maby my life wasn't a waste.

Respectfully I'm someone who suffers with gender dysphoria but having heard a lot of detransition stories and doing my own research I've concluded that transitioning isn't going to ever resolve how I feel in my body. Regardless of what you choose to do with your body, I did find the source of a lot of myself hatred was I tried to validate with people who frankly wouldn't help me if I was drowning.
I hope you find self-worth in who you are, and should you ctb I only hope you do so with peace of mind and rest.