ToastInTheShell
Professional Idiot
- Mar 17, 2024
- 32
I have no reason to feel this way. My body is so unfeminine and gross transitioning is nowhere near plausible. If I do, I'll be hated by the world for the rest of my life. All I hear from friends, family and even the fucking media is how trans people only make people uncomfortable, and end up living shitty lives.
I will never find love. I won't have any friends. I won't be able to find a job. Fucking EXISITING won't be possible if I transition. But then what's left if I don't? Feeling like THIS every day until I die? Every day I fantasize about cutting or killing myself, and the only times it's gone away is when I feel remotely feminine in literally any way. It doesn't matter if I'm shaving my body hair, wearing feminine clothes, or even if someone's just trying to emasculate me, that's the only time it stops. But the comfort I feel is always so fleeting, and when the reality of my biology sets back in it just all comes flooding back.
Then people try to tell me I've manufactured this. Or that this is just some weird fucking fetish or mental illness, and sometimes I think I'm starting to believe them. I just know I don't want this. I don't enjoy hating myself or spending every second of every day wishing I was someone else. I hate all of it. I hate the envy I feel every day when I see cis women. I hate developing feelings for guys who will never and CAN NEVER love me back. I hate seeing trans pride online, how are you proud of feeling fucking miserable and disgusted by your body every single day?
I can either transition, lose all my family and friends, be slightly less disgusted by my body (though still definitely wrought with self hatred) and just more at risk of being laughed at or beaten in the fucking street OR I can cut to the chase and die unhappy tomorrow. Despite the latter OBVIOUSLY being the better option I just can't bring myself to do it. I've tried to OD with but I got caught by my parents. I tried hanging twice; the first time I fucked it up and was shaking and crying too much to do it again and the second time I was just too weak to take the last step.
Despite knowing I will never actually be happy, I can't bring myself to leave. I think I'm still scared of dying.
I will never find love. I won't have any friends. I won't be able to find a job. Fucking EXISITING won't be possible if I transition. But then what's left if I don't? Feeling like THIS every day until I die? Every day I fantasize about cutting or killing myself, and the only times it's gone away is when I feel remotely feminine in literally any way. It doesn't matter if I'm shaving my body hair, wearing feminine clothes, or even if someone's just trying to emasculate me, that's the only time it stops. But the comfort I feel is always so fleeting, and when the reality of my biology sets back in it just all comes flooding back.
Then people try to tell me I've manufactured this. Or that this is just some weird fucking fetish or mental illness, and sometimes I think I'm starting to believe them. I just know I don't want this. I don't enjoy hating myself or spending every second of every day wishing I was someone else. I hate all of it. I hate the envy I feel every day when I see cis women. I hate developing feelings for guys who will never and CAN NEVER love me back. I hate seeing trans pride online, how are you proud of feeling fucking miserable and disgusted by your body every single day?
I can either transition, lose all my family and friends, be slightly less disgusted by my body (though still definitely wrought with self hatred) and just more at risk of being laughed at or beaten in the fucking street OR I can cut to the chase and die unhappy tomorrow. Despite the latter OBVIOUSLY being the better option I just can't bring myself to do it. I've tried to OD with but I got caught by my parents. I tried hanging twice; the first time I fucked it up and was shaking and crying too much to do it again and the second time I was just too weak to take the last step.
Despite knowing I will never actually be happy, I can't bring myself to leave. I think I'm still scared of dying.
