Like quite a few people on here, I'm trans, and it's just totally torpedoed my mental health even when I sort of got what I wanted.
I didn't exactly "know" when I was younger, but I grew up extremely religious and was always gynephilic. Trans people were always jokes or outcasts to me. I had always wanted to be a girl instead, but a cis girl, because I learned that trying to swap just wouldn't work. You'd lose everything and look like the same people that your parents laugh at in public.
That changed slowly over a few years. University environment at 18, I became LGBT positive shortly after, and at 22 I finally learned about gender identity. I finally "got" it. And came out at 23 last year.
There were so many negotiations. I didn't fully commit to it. I was afraid of everything I'd learned to fear my whole life. And weirdly, it just... didn't happen. My family doesn't get it and thinks I'm sick, but they call me my name. All of them. My then-girlfriend stuck with me. Became my fiance. I managed to get a good job with a supportive company. Boss is cis gay, gets it. And my worst fear, that I'd never really look female at the end of it... also didn't happen. I generally pass with the right clothes. Even joined in an all-female spa, and I just never took my underwear off for the hot baths.
Kicker is I still feel like things are coming for me. I feel just as depressed as I was for most of my whole life but for different reasons now. I live in a country that still isn't accepting. No gender changes. Not even name changes, so I'm stuck with my deadname, and can be imprisoned for not using it. I've been surprised a few times with how kind strangers can be, especially early on. But I can't relax, always bracing myself for hatred that doesn't quite come.
I see it all the time though, whenever news shows any of us. Thousands and thousands of angry threats, with national surveys saying people don't want us to have rights. I always feel stressed, like the good things I do have can be lost and taken from me.
I think of ending it while it's still good, but I can't bear to leave my fiancee. I know it'd hurt her. And a part of me feels like I'll regret it, even though I logically know I won't be around to regret anything after I've ctb'd.
Seeing this worldwide campaign against us doesn't make things any better. Maybe it's grief, but I miss my old life. I cringe at the thought of living as male again, but I miss not worrying for my safety and not anticipating rejection and harrassment around every corner.
I'd like to live if I could be free of this constant pain. Not sure really where all of this ends. But has anyone got past this?
I didn't exactly "know" when I was younger, but I grew up extremely religious and was always gynephilic. Trans people were always jokes or outcasts to me. I had always wanted to be a girl instead, but a cis girl, because I learned that trying to swap just wouldn't work. You'd lose everything and look like the same people that your parents laugh at in public.
That changed slowly over a few years. University environment at 18, I became LGBT positive shortly after, and at 22 I finally learned about gender identity. I finally "got" it. And came out at 23 last year.
There were so many negotiations. I didn't fully commit to it. I was afraid of everything I'd learned to fear my whole life. And weirdly, it just... didn't happen. My family doesn't get it and thinks I'm sick, but they call me my name. All of them. My then-girlfriend stuck with me. Became my fiance. I managed to get a good job with a supportive company. Boss is cis gay, gets it. And my worst fear, that I'd never really look female at the end of it... also didn't happen. I generally pass with the right clothes. Even joined in an all-female spa, and I just never took my underwear off for the hot baths.
Kicker is I still feel like things are coming for me. I feel just as depressed as I was for most of my whole life but for different reasons now. I live in a country that still isn't accepting. No gender changes. Not even name changes, so I'm stuck with my deadname, and can be imprisoned for not using it. I've been surprised a few times with how kind strangers can be, especially early on. But I can't relax, always bracing myself for hatred that doesn't quite come.
I see it all the time though, whenever news shows any of us. Thousands and thousands of angry threats, with national surveys saying people don't want us to have rights. I always feel stressed, like the good things I do have can be lost and taken from me.
I think of ending it while it's still good, but I can't bear to leave my fiancee. I know it'd hurt her. And a part of me feels like I'll regret it, even though I logically know I won't be around to regret anything after I've ctb'd.
Seeing this worldwide campaign against us doesn't make things any better. Maybe it's grief, but I miss my old life. I cringe at the thought of living as male again, but I miss not worrying for my safety and not anticipating rejection and harrassment around every corner.
I'd like to live if I could be free of this constant pain. Not sure really where all of this ends. But has anyone got past this?
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You've done so much. I avoid telling people they should keep trying, because they know better if they should give up than I do. But I do selfishly want for you to keep trying. It's also selfish because I'm envious of you. Your progress sounds beautiful, and you have so much love.
