I'm a trans woman in her late twenties. I've wanted to ctb since middle school. Life has always been really hard.
In a lot of ways, I'm really fortunate. I have a spouse who loves me. I really hit the genetic lottery: my body loves E, and I'm very pretty. I even had a very brief period of having enough money to get srs! There were complications and it doesn't work great, but I have a lot of caring partners that are very patient about that.
Recently, I'd finally internalized that maybe I didn't want to ctb, it was just the only coping mechanism that I had. Because it's kind of the ultimate coping mechanism, right? And my mental health improved SO MUCH. I felt good.
I started a new job (just in time, because I'm so so so broke), and it requires standing for the full shift. I haven't worked a job like this in a long time, and it turns out that my feet physically can't do it. The pain hit a 9/10 by the second hour in. I came home, and sobbed until my eyes hurt worse than my feet. This job was so clutch, and now it's not gonna work out??
I'm freaking out. The thoughts came back, and I've never been more sure about ctb. But I'm also so incredibly in debt that I can't AFFORD to ctb. It's so frustrating. I'm hoping I can have one more good week with my friends and partners, and then buy what I need on payday before another autopay hits my bank account :(
Or maybe this week will be so good that I decide to stay. I dunno. I'm tired.
In a lot of ways, I'm really fortunate. I have a spouse who loves me. I really hit the genetic lottery: my body loves E, and I'm very pretty. I even had a very brief period of having enough money to get srs! There were complications and it doesn't work great, but I have a lot of caring partners that are very patient about that.
Recently, I'd finally internalized that maybe I didn't want to ctb, it was just the only coping mechanism that I had. Because it's kind of the ultimate coping mechanism, right? And my mental health improved SO MUCH. I felt good.
I started a new job (just in time, because I'm so so so broke), and it requires standing for the full shift. I haven't worked a job like this in a long time, and it turns out that my feet physically can't do it. The pain hit a 9/10 by the second hour in. I came home, and sobbed until my eyes hurt worse than my feet. This job was so clutch, and now it's not gonna work out??
I'm freaking out. The thoughts came back, and I've never been more sure about ctb. But I'm also so incredibly in debt that I can't AFFORD to ctb. It's so frustrating. I'm hoping I can have one more good week with my friends and partners, and then buy what I need on payday before another autopay hits my bank account :(
Or maybe this week will be so good that I decide to stay. I dunno. I'm tired.
