Rockman
Experienced
- Feb 9, 2020
- 208
Hi.https://sanctioned-suicide.net/
It will be long reading.
I should start introduce my familiy in short. Dad- indifferent never asking about anything, or treated me like an enemy, he denied everything my feelings, emotional stone, never said to me good things, dependent like small child to mom and dont take resposibility. Mom-so much overprotective, to much cross safe border, emotional unstable, self esteem by helping others, she wear throuses in this couple.
Grandma- So much emotional unstable, always making herself victim and needed help, cant stand any refusal from childs cause she love so badly, pretty obsesive with savings money and smoke tons cigarettes, constantly throw extreme hate in alcoholic granddad even he was so sick and near death.
Main horibble story:
Im born female,really healthy. In middle school i was wearing mens clothes and group of my friends starting making horrible abuse. They called me bad names, humiliated me, suffocated me. School do nothing until my mom tell headschool she go on police. They gave me peace and I was all alone, rejected. I got the dog and ever since he was my only friend i spend tons of hours only with him.
I go to high school. Starting being always positive person with full of energy, full of ideas, always joking and help others. Met beautiful alone girl in my class and after a while we were best frends and then turned into hidden lovers. First year was like a fairytale. I dont belived that amazing girl want me. I was still alone and have no friends. I always qestion her everyday how she feel ect and she do it maybe 10 % interests Into my feelings back. And then slowly my old friends go for oil for head-they apologize me and we have meeting one time for 2-4 months. My girfriend make me crazy rows after meetings, even after message to my female friends on birthday, when she exam my private fone without my knowledge. She told me that im i cheater. That i want her cause of sexual ideas- The truth was we only kissing and fisting 95% make her good cause... She dont want anything more. I thought she need a time, like a perfect matched non pressure partner. I try explain thats normal, people meet with friends. But always was my fault. I could write here milion of mind blowing storys. I think she was bpd/ borderline and depressed. I try rescue this relationship. We go on on studies together, she start make open violence, behind emotional to me. I think she made me c-ptsd complex, really deep neurosis. I explained everything sends her to psychiatrist psychologist. It look like she understand but now she dont love me, im a pig... And short after she switch on another 'normal' man. My heart was so broken. She trained on me all bad habits and start with New clean acount. Of course he got everything instant that i never could during five years. She used the same special 'our' language to him, take in our special places, send thousends picutures of their love on social media like never ours because she is not homosexual , realized our 'dreams' about grunge band with him. (YES, we re like older 20 years than we rockers, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and more long hair bands) Everything what i was working about disapeared Just like that. She blocked me on media. I dont eat 5 days. My neurogical system was so destroyed that starting loose couciousnes and get shock on studies lessons. I thought i was completly destroy, The truth was i let she do it to me without personal borders. I try get on therapy, 4 or 5 times, see so old psychologist and she said to me what i can help you? I realized no one can help me, lost seeking therapy.
Decided went to psychiatrist who was sexuological specialist and it was first step to hell.
He diagnosed me as transsexual female to male in short without any tests. That my psych- health is clear, without any issues. It was like giving a knive sombody who all life was passive agressive to activ agressive. I got testosterone, do double mastectomy and trained sport like hell to be man enough. Its look like starting to be good, starting repair self esteem and acceptance in head changes thru body and trans community. I work so hard on that i can go on photo session for cover magazine mens health or something similar with full beard and six pack pefectly tailored to hot man 10/10 stereotype. So stupid and wrong i was. But finally belong to some community that support me, nevermind that they have drastic convitions. I go to dermatologist cause my skin was in horibble condition everywhere acne BC testosterone. She gave me super strong drugs(isotretynoin) also super depression makers. I took them for two long years, nothing helped. Incredible, i went for opinion and tests to psychologist-something go wrong with test in fear and truth places but she gave me good opinion cause one result was androgyne in sex scale and gave me paper thats all right...
To not make so numb story. I went to court where should be specialist doctor who exam documentation but courthead said ok just do it. I was in madness making me more fitted and hear in my community about cancer female parts in cross hormone therapy and i should do it. Comepeletly false. Obviously i went do gyn doc and she didnt explain nothing, dont have time just sheduled operation--full histerectomy like womans with most expasive cancer.
The truth was i dont have condition to op cause dont have any dysphoria or bad gyn results. They just cut me. Two months later my genital areas still in pain weird looking like sombody put crowbar to door inside me.
I was only worse and worse with me. Lost every job. I went to therapist and he shoot me tons of truth about my really sense less actions in my life.
My depression improve to catatonic more than half year. Complete anhedonia sleep all day. I wrote the suicide note and was too sleepy to do it. My mother found me. I was taken to psychiatric hospital. They give me anti depressants and anti fear drugs. But worse was diagnosis. Personality disorders (mixed, i think dependent, avoided, compulisive-obssesed) Adaptive disorder, Sexual Identification Disorders but no transsexsualism. Young psychiatrists was really suprised that my main-doc psychtarist from transition do it so easy, without any therapy.
It destroyed me till the end. I destroyed myself in most painful way. I cant have children, im strilised, my sexuality is gone, i feel constantly bad about my body, have scars everywhere and weird feeling from my abdomen and genital region. I have surgical menopause all shitty symptoms at age 26.I am condemned to take hormnal medication rest of my life but now i coudnt stand it. Im realized that i dont move last 5 years, any personal progres any. All in the name of acceptance, my love. I really regret what i do to myself, but i cant change it. Have suicidal thoughts everyday. I saw thousands video clips with suicide, know what happens to body, read about methods. Try partial hanging 2 times, know everything about method. I have date to another specialistic personality disorders and neurosis hospital but drugs from first hospital works well with my emotions i should get that shit 5 years ago. But i cant stand myself, in short i accept myself in 3 sec after making clear all reasons my shit life but what is now is not mine, its not just mine. I really regret and miss my female organs make myself really me.
I deal hard with survival instinct, i cope with all my life and near death experience and hurting myself is my norma. I dont want just this shit life if this was changable i fly on therapy to change everything but it change nothing.
I dont know for what is this topic. What a hell. I think i try again in hospital cause is open.
Thanks.
It will be long reading.
I should start introduce my familiy in short. Dad- indifferent never asking about anything, or treated me like an enemy, he denied everything my feelings, emotional stone, never said to me good things, dependent like small child to mom and dont take resposibility. Mom-so much overprotective, to much cross safe border, emotional unstable, self esteem by helping others, she wear throuses in this couple.
Grandma- So much emotional unstable, always making herself victim and needed help, cant stand any refusal from childs cause she love so badly, pretty obsesive with savings money and smoke tons cigarettes, constantly throw extreme hate in alcoholic granddad even he was so sick and near death.
Main horibble story:
Im born female,really healthy. In middle school i was wearing mens clothes and group of my friends starting making horrible abuse. They called me bad names, humiliated me, suffocated me. School do nothing until my mom tell headschool she go on police. They gave me peace and I was all alone, rejected. I got the dog and ever since he was my only friend i spend tons of hours only with him.
I go to high school. Starting being always positive person with full of energy, full of ideas, always joking and help others. Met beautiful alone girl in my class and after a while we were best frends and then turned into hidden lovers. First year was like a fairytale. I dont belived that amazing girl want me. I was still alone and have no friends. I always qestion her everyday how she feel ect and she do it maybe 10 % interests Into my feelings back. And then slowly my old friends go for oil for head-they apologize me and we have meeting one time for 2-4 months. My girfriend make me crazy rows after meetings, even after message to my female friends on birthday, when she exam my private fone without my knowledge. She told me that im i cheater. That i want her cause of sexual ideas- The truth was we only kissing and fisting 95% make her good cause... She dont want anything more. I thought she need a time, like a perfect matched non pressure partner. I try explain thats normal, people meet with friends. But always was my fault. I could write here milion of mind blowing storys. I think she was bpd/ borderline and depressed. I try rescue this relationship. We go on on studies together, she start make open violence, behind emotional to me. I think she made me c-ptsd complex, really deep neurosis. I explained everything sends her to psychiatrist psychologist. It look like she understand but now she dont love me, im a pig... And short after she switch on another 'normal' man. My heart was so broken. She trained on me all bad habits and start with New clean acount. Of course he got everything instant that i never could during five years. She used the same special 'our' language to him, take in our special places, send thousends picutures of their love on social media like never ours because she is not homosexual , realized our 'dreams' about grunge band with him. (YES, we re like older 20 years than we rockers, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and more long hair bands) Everything what i was working about disapeared Just like that. She blocked me on media. I dont eat 5 days. My neurogical system was so destroyed that starting loose couciousnes and get shock on studies lessons. I thought i was completly destroy, The truth was i let she do it to me without personal borders. I try get on therapy, 4 or 5 times, see so old psychologist and she said to me what i can help you? I realized no one can help me, lost seeking therapy.
Decided went to psychiatrist who was sexuological specialist and it was first step to hell.
He diagnosed me as transsexual female to male in short without any tests. That my psych- health is clear, without any issues. It was like giving a knive sombody who all life was passive agressive to activ agressive. I got testosterone, do double mastectomy and trained sport like hell to be man enough. Its look like starting to be good, starting repair self esteem and acceptance in head changes thru body and trans community. I work so hard on that i can go on photo session for cover magazine mens health or something similar with full beard and six pack pefectly tailored to hot man 10/10 stereotype. So stupid and wrong i was. But finally belong to some community that support me, nevermind that they have drastic convitions. I go to dermatologist cause my skin was in horibble condition everywhere acne BC testosterone. She gave me super strong drugs(isotretynoin) also super depression makers. I took them for two long years, nothing helped. Incredible, i went for opinion and tests to psychologist-something go wrong with test in fear and truth places but she gave me good opinion cause one result was androgyne in sex scale and gave me paper thats all right...
To not make so numb story. I went to court where should be specialist doctor who exam documentation but courthead said ok just do it. I was in madness making me more fitted and hear in my community about cancer female parts in cross hormone therapy and i should do it. Comepeletly false. Obviously i went do gyn doc and she didnt explain nothing, dont have time just sheduled operation--full histerectomy like womans with most expasive cancer.
The truth was i dont have condition to op cause dont have any dysphoria or bad gyn results. They just cut me. Two months later my genital areas still in pain weird looking like sombody put crowbar to door inside me.
I was only worse and worse with me. Lost every job. I went to therapist and he shoot me tons of truth about my really sense less actions in my life.
My depression improve to catatonic more than half year. Complete anhedonia sleep all day. I wrote the suicide note and was too sleepy to do it. My mother found me. I was taken to psychiatric hospital. They give me anti depressants and anti fear drugs. But worse was diagnosis. Personality disorders (mixed, i think dependent, avoided, compulisive-obssesed) Adaptive disorder, Sexual Identification Disorders but no transsexsualism. Young psychiatrists was really suprised that my main-doc psychtarist from transition do it so easy, without any therapy.
It destroyed me till the end. I destroyed myself in most painful way. I cant have children, im strilised, my sexuality is gone, i feel constantly bad about my body, have scars everywhere and weird feeling from my abdomen and genital region. I have surgical menopause all shitty symptoms at age 26.I am condemned to take hormnal medication rest of my life but now i coudnt stand it. Im realized that i dont move last 5 years, any personal progres any. All in the name of acceptance, my love. I really regret what i do to myself, but i cant change it. Have suicidal thoughts everyday. I saw thousands video clips with suicide, know what happens to body, read about methods. Try partial hanging 2 times, know everything about method. I have date to another specialistic personality disorders and neurosis hospital but drugs from first hospital works well with my emotions i should get that shit 5 years ago. But i cant stand myself, in short i accept myself in 3 sec after making clear all reasons my shit life but what is now is not mine, its not just mine. I really regret and miss my female organs make myself really me.
I deal hard with survival instinct, i cope with all my life and near death experience and hurting myself is my norma. I dont want just this shit life if this was changable i fly on therapy to change everything but it change nothing.
I dont know for what is this topic. What a hell. I think i try again in hospital cause is open.
Thanks.
