Venting Tortured Soul

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey everyone.

I know this may sound weird but I hate the fact that my therapist gives me hope of feeling better because I feel like it will be false hope and it will result in me getting hurt again. It's like i'm hanging on the end of a bridge and I want to let go but my therapist is grabbing hold of my hand preventing me. It's weird because since I was a kid I've always dreamed of someone helping me but now I have it I feel like I don't deserve it. The trouble with therapy is that it takes time and you have to go though painful memories before it may help but there isn't any guarantee that it will help.

The truth is I'm tired of fighting now, seeing lots of people on here CTB such as good friends Ryan.s and K-O has made me so envious that they are free from pain and I am stuck on this earth being a tortured soul that doesn't get a rest. My PTSD had really been triggered recently and I can't control it and having regular panic attacks.

CTBing is like a green button that I can press when things are to much like a backup. I've got things prepared such as my notes, selling unneeded things, sorting out money stuff, ETC.
I'll stick around for a while longer but I'm tired of this fight. I just needed to post to feel some validation from you guys as you're all so nice. I don't get validation anywhere else a part from this site.
I'm always conflicted by methods. It's not easy having a fear of leaving the house on your own because if I didn't have that fear I would choose jumping in front of a train. My other go to method would be SN but it's very hard to get. So my only available method is partial hanging. It's weird as just having a plan gives me relief from all the bad things.

Thank you if you are still reading.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm concerned that your therapist isn't teaching you trauma-based techniques to help take the charge off the memories, or even not discussing them at all as they can be retraumatizing.

I'm so sorry you're going through all that you are. I read every word and you have my empathy and compassion.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm so sorry hun..It's really difficult to handle the loss of an SS friend..I feel u..Ryan was my sweet baby bro..Although we know the nature of this site, it doesn't negate the pain.

As @GoodPersonEffed mentioned, maybe u can suggest to ur therapist that s/he teach u the techniques to handle the trauma..Anything that can help u to alleviate the intense pain, is worth looking into..

I'm here if u need me baby boy...♡

 

[Iloveyouall]

That's the thing with hope, it can end in deception and hurt but you also need it to get better. It's good that someone is able to give you hope, it means that this hope, this will to live is inside you, it comes from you, it was here all along. Do you feel that your therapy helps ? As you say you go back to bad memories and it gives you panic attacks so my question is kinda stupid but do you feel that going through all that by talking about it to a neutral person is helping ?

It's weird as just having a plan gives me relief from all the bad things.

xD it's weird but it's good. It's kind of empowering. You have the power to say "You know what, life ? You don't fire me, I quit, you biatch !".

I wish your therapy work. Keep us informed on how things goes.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

That's the thing with hope, it can end in deception and hurt but you also need it to get better. It's good that someone is able to give you hope, it means that this hope, this will to live is inside you, it comes from you, it was here all along. Do you feel that your therapy helps ? As you say you go back to bad memories and it gives you panic attacks so my question is kinda stupid but do you feel that going through all that by talking about it to a neutral person is helping ?

xD it's weird but it's good. It's kind of empowering. You have the power to say "You know what, life ? You don't fire me, I quit, you biatch !".

I wish your therapy work. Keep us informed on how things goes.

Yeah I mean sometimes therapy helps but then there are other days like today where I come back from the session empty and ready to CTB. It feels like the only way to cope is drinking and drugs It's a never ending battle in my head.
Having a neutral person definitely helps though, it's great to have someone believe me about my traumas however.

 

[allym101]

Hey everyone.

I know this may sound weird but I hate the fact that my therapist gives me hope of feeling better because I feel like it will be false hope and it will result in me getting hurt again. It's like i'm hanging on the end of a bridge and I want to let go but my therapist is grabbing hold of my hand preventing me. It's weird because since I was a kid I've always dreamed of someone helping me but now I have it I feel like I don't deserve it. The trouble with therapy is that it takes time and you have to go though painful memories before it may help but there isn't any guarantee that it will help.

The truth is I'm tired of fighting now, seeing lots of people on here CTB such as good friends Ryan.s and K-O has made me so envious that they are free from pain and I am stuck on this earth being a tortured soul that doesn't get a rest. My PTSD had really been triggered recently and I can't control it and having regular panic attacks.

CTBing is like a green button that I can press when things are to much like a backup. I've got things prepared such as my notes, selling unneeded things, sorting out money stuff, ETC.
I'll stick around for a while longer but I'm tired of this fight. I just needed to post to feel some validation from you guys as you're all so nice. I don't get validation anywhere else a part from this site.
I'm always conflicted by methods. It's not easy having a fear of leaving the house on your own because if I didn't have that fear I would choose jumping in front of a train. My other go to method would be SN but it's very hard to get. So my only available method is partial hanging. It's weird as just having a plan gives me relief from all the bad things.

Thank you if you are still reading.

It sounds like you're going to therapy and feeling better sometimes, that's really good. I'm not here to push you away from suicide cause I'd hate it if someone did that to me, but I'm really glad your at least reaching for help. However small those moments of hope are, hold on to them. They really can save a life :)

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yeah I mean sometimes therapy helps but then there are other days like today where I come back from the session empty and ready to CTB.

Does you therapist know that ? As @Lostandfound7 and @GoodPersonEffed said, there may be methods to prevent too much exhausting sessions.

Having a neutral person definitely helps though, it's great to have someone believe me about my traumas however.

It seems hard to find a good therapist, at least finding one that makes you feel better 'cuz he/she listens is a great accomplishment.

 

[Cosmiq]

I don't think it's weird at all that having a plan gives you a sense of relief. It makes sense that having a way out of a bad place that you actually have control over and is attainable provides you some sort of relief.
I also get this feeling of relief. I'm not quite sure that my therapist gives me hope exactly, but when I was ready to quit because I was tired of trying and told her maybe I didn't want to get better and couldn't promise that I wasn't just self-sabotaging everything she just said let me be there for you at least. I doubt she meant this in a way that I'm taking it though. I take it as having someone to comfort me until the end. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty because I feel like me staying in therapy gives her hope that I'll get better. I've only got one note to finish. I considered whether or not I'd leave one for my therapist, but I'll likely leave call and leave a message. whichever day I ctb it'd probably be around dawn and be one of the last things I do before jumping.

Have you been able to try other methods of therapy for PTSD? Like EMDR or even more alternative methods like Ketamine? I was supposed to try EMDR before the pandemic, but now most therapists in my area aren't willing to do in-person health. I'm far too tired to try any methods like exposure or that would have me painfully relieve the traumas or whatever. These treatments seem to help without dragging you through an additional muddy rough road.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I don't think it's weird at all that having a plan gives you a sense of relief. It makes sense that having a way out of a bad place that you actually have control over and is attainable provides you some sort of relief.
I also get this feeling of relief. I'm not quite sure that my therapist gives me hope exactly, but when I was ready to quit because I was tired of trying and told her maybe I didn't want to get better and couldn't promise that I wasn't just self-sabotaging everything she just said let me be there for you at least. I doubt she meant this in a way that I'm taking it though. I take it as having someone to comfort me until the end. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty because I feel like me staying in therapy gives her hope that I'll get better. I've only got one note to finish. I considered whether or not I'd leave one for my therapist, but I'll likely leave call and leave a message. whichever day I ctb it'd probably be around dawn and be one of the last things I do before jumping.

Have you been able to try other methods of therapy for PTSD? Like EMDR or even more alternative methods like Ketamine? I was supposed to try EMDR before the pandemic, but now most therapists in my area aren't willing to do in-person health. I'm far too tired to try any methods like exposure or that would have me painfully relieve the traumas or whatever. These treatments seem to help without dragging you through an additional muddy rough road.

I haven't tried EMDR. I haven't tried many PTSD therapy. I have heard of both EMDR and Ketamine injections so I'll possibly try them. I decided to write my therapist a note saying that it wasn't her fault because she was good to me. Police take notes for evidence so I have put them on a USB and will send a delayed email for someone to find the USB.

Does you therapist know that ? As @Lostandfound7 and @GoodPersonEffed said, there may be methods to prevent too much exhausting sessions.


It seems hard to find a good therapist, at least finding one that makes you feel better 'cuz he/she listens is a great accomplishment.

No my therapist doesn't know this but I've constructed an email saying how I felt after my session on Friday so I'll see if that helps.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty because I feel like me staying in therapy gives her hope that I'll get better.

I'll may sound harsh but it's the risk of the job to have to face disapointment if someone doesn't recover.
What do you suffer from, what is happening ? (if you don't mind talking about it)

No my therapist doesn't know this but I've constructed an email saying how I felt after my session on Friday so I'll see if that helps.

Nice. Let us know what he/she'll answer.

 

[Cosmiq]

I'll may sound harsh but it's the risk of the job to have to face disapointment if someone doesn't recover.
What do you suffer from, what is happening ? (if you don't mind talking about it)

I suffer from depression, anxiety, and trauma both childhood and events that happened as an adult. The past few years it's intensified and has become something I can't distract myself from or pretend it doesn't exist. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally from trying to improve and work against something that basically feels like as much a part me as my race or sexuality. I find that my hopelessness has increased in terms of treatments that could alleviate PTSD, depression or anxiety. I don't' really know what it'd be like to not have these things and they make up huge parts of my personality. Like I can joke about how in the back of my mind I'm always thinking something like "What if space monkey just busted through the door with laser guns" but in reality, I'm always aware of exits because my stepdad attempted to kill us and terrorized us and it's left me never feeling safe because I never felt safe at home and we had to have another way out if he was blocking the front or back door. And inner-city schools mean I never felt safe at school and generally never learned to fully trust adults or felt liked they could offer safety. I think I felt at ease with my niece and nephew because as child it wasn't often a sibling or another kid that helped to feel a bit of ease. I don't like to really admit it or connect that before I was a teenager I only really thought of escape, I don't think I thought of suicide until my brother went away. He wasn't exactly my hero or someone that I admired. But to have an older brother protect who seemed borderline invincible helped a lot. I know rationally that he isn't invincible, but he's walked away from so many accidents it makes no sense. He's supposed to be coming back this month, but there have already been bumps in that road and I honestly don't feel any sense of relief knowing he'll be home soon.

Anyways, I've mentioned to my therapist that I looked into how the suicide of patients affect them, or even how patients that don't improve might affect them. It's something I think anyone in a profession that deals with saving/improving peoples lives have to consider that they might not save or improve everyones situation. She mostly responded with like a "I'm thankful that you care response". I said how I wouldn't want to make her avoid working with future patients with suicidal thoughts because I think for some a therapist can make a difference.

 

[K-O]

Hey everyone.

I know this may sound weird but I hate the fact that my therapist gives me hope of feeling better because I feel like it will be false hope and it will result in me getting hurt again. It's like i'm hanging on the end of a bridge and I want to let go but my therapist is grabbing hold of my hand preventing me. It's weird because since I was a kid I've always dreamed of someone helping me but now I have it I feel like I don't deserve it. The trouble with therapy is that it takes time and you have to go though painful memories before it may help but there isn't any guarantee that it will help.

The truth is I'm tired of fighting now, seeing lots of people on here CTB such as good friends Ryan.s and K-O has made me so envious that they are free from pain and I am stuck on this earth being a tortured soul that doesn't get a rest. My PTSD had really been triggered recently and I can't control it and having regular panic attacks.

CTBing is like a green button that I can press when things are to much like a backup. I've got things prepared such as my notes, selling unneeded things, sorting out money stuff, ETC.
I'll stick around for a while longer but I'm tired of this fight. I just needed to post to feel some validation from you guys as you're all so nice. I don't get validation anywhere else a part from this site.
I'm always conflicted by methods. It's not easy having a fear of leaving the house on your own because if I didn't have that fear I would choose jumping in front of a train. My other go to method would be SN but it's very hard to get. So my only available method is partial hanging. It's weird as just having a plan gives me relief from all the bad things.

Thank you if you are still reading.

baby boy i love you
no one can or will give you (us) the validation you desperately yearn for about your struggles and truth..
they are transparent to most people..
and fuck this society for holding us by the balls!
they prey on our defeat!
(pls write me x)

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

baby boy i love you
no one can or will give you (us) the validation you desperately yearn for about your struggles and truth..
they are transparent to most people..
and fuck this society for holding us by the balls!
they prey on our defeat!
(pls write me x)

..... I thought you were dead?? I'm so confused right now!
Sorry that's what everyone told me!

 

[K-O]

..... I thought you were dead?? I'm so confused right now!
Sorry that's what everyone told me!

fucking death junkies :)
she is back home xx
imma hit you pm baba

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I'll may sound harsh but it's the risk of the job to have to face disapointment if someone doesn't recover.
What do you suffer from, what is happening ? (if you don't mind talking about it)


Nice. Let us know what he/she'll answer.

My therapist replied. She said she made a mistake with not checking how I was feeling when she noticed that something was wrong. She said that I stopped interacting with her during the session and that I was dissociating.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Like I can joke about how in the back of my mind I'm always thinking something like "What if space monkey just busted through the door with laser guns" but in reality, I'm always aware of exits because my stepdad attempted to kill us and terrorized us and it's left me never feeling safe because I never felt safe at home and we had to have another way out if he was blocking the front or back door. And inner-city schools mean I never felt safe at school and generally never learned to fully trust adults or felt liked they could offer safety.

Damn dude...

He's supposed to be coming back this month, but there have already been bumps in that road and I honestly don't feel any sense of relief knowing he'll be home soon.

I'm sorry what do you mean by "bumps in that road" ? Is that slang for something?
What has change with him ? I don't get it ?

"I'm thankful that you care response"

Well at least it means that she fully acknowledge the potential consequences, I guess.

My therapist replied. She said she made a mistake with not checking how I was feeling when she noticed that something was wrong. She said that I stopped interacting with her during the session and that I was dissociating.

That's good. I guess you'll se next time if the session gets somewhat differently. When is the next one?

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Damn dude...


I'm sorry what do you mean by "bumps in that road" ? Is that slang for something?
What has change with him ? I don't get it ?

Well at least it means that she fully acknowledge the potential consequences, I guess.


That's good. I guess you'll se next time if the session gets somewhat differently. When is the next one?

I have a session every Friday at 1PM

 

[rhiino]

Yeah, hope can be a problem if it keeps you suffering. I am in the situation where I do not want hope. I have made my peace with suicide and everything that makes a little hope and makes me questioning my decision makes me ultimately feel worse.

 

[Cosmiq]

Damn dude...


I'm sorry what do you mean by "bumps in that road" ? Is that slang for something?
What has change with him ? I don't get it ?

When I say bumps in the road, I meant the road back to us hasn't been easy. He was supposed to come home May 30. On May 29 at 1pm, my mom gets a call from the transportation that he should arrive by 2 pm the next day. Literally 2 hours later they say they found something on him and he can't be released. They gave few details except it's something he did at a different facility the first few years of his incarceration and they want him to go to court for it. My mom only spoke to him for like 5 mins, he couldn't think of anything that he and over the years has only been in fights none that resulted in deaths though. She hasn't been able to talk to him since May 29, they say because of his mental state, I mean it wasn't that great a few months ago. But I can't imagine the amount of hope they destroyed because they waited until the day before his release after being in prison for 15 years to tell him "Hold on, we found some trouble you got into 12 yrs ago at a different facility and you're gonna have to go to court for it."

So, now he's in jail waiting to go to court. And idk where you're located but you can find a lot of stories about men who might spend a year in jail waiting for a court date before they get sentenced for whatever crime. So he was supposed to go to court last Monday, but it's been pushed back twice until next Monday. My mom says even for 2 weeks she wants to pay his bail, just to give him a break and feel supported. But my mom can be oblivious. I'm beginning to question if we bring him home and he knows that it's only 2 weeks before having to go to court and see if he'll walk free or they slap on more time... I think it's possible he'd ctb. I know for sure that I would. He waited 15 years until a few months before he's supposed to be released to make his first attempt at hanging. If I went to jail and somehow didn't ctb in the first month, I sure would make another attempt knowing I had a window to do it at home instead of cell especially without the certainty of whether or not he'll be free.

 

[Iloveyouall]

When I say bumps in the road, I meant the road back to us hasn't been easy. He was supposed to come home May 30. On May 29 at 1pm, my mom gets a call from the transportation that he should arrive by 2 pm the next day. Literally 2 hours later they say they found something on him and he can't be released. They gave few details except it's something he did at a different facility the first few years of his incarceration and they want him to go to court for it. My mom only spoke to him for like 5 mins, he couldn't think of anything that he and over the years has only been in fights none that resulted in deaths though. She hasn't been able to talk to him since May 29, they say because of his mental state, I mean it wasn't that great a few months ago. But I can't imagine the amount of hope they destroyed because they waited until the day before his release after being in prison for 15 years to tell him "Hold on, we found some trouble you got into 12 yrs ago at a different facility and you're gonna have to go to court for it."

What the fuck ?! It seems like deliberate cruelty. I'm just speechless.

So, now he's in jail waiting to go to court. And idk where you're located but you can find a lot of stories about men who might spend a year in jail waiting for a court date before they get sentenced for whatever crime. So he was supposed to go to court last Monday, but it's been pushed back twice until next Monday. My mom says even for 2 weeks she wants to pay his bail, just to give him a break and feel supported. But my mom can be oblivious. I'm beginning to question if we bring him home and he knows that it's only 2 weeks before having to go to court and see if he'll walk free or they slap on more time... I think it's possible he'd ctb. I know for sure that I would. He waited 15 years until a few months before he's supposed to be released to make his first attempt at hanging. If I went to jail and somehow didn't ctb in the first month, I sure would make another attempt knowing I had a window to do it at home instead of cell especially without the certainty of whether or not he'll be free.

Dude... I'm sorry I don't know what to say, what a fucking mess. The thing about what they found on him 12 years ago, it could condemn him for a long time ?
When you say it could last a year, you mean it could be delayed every week during an entire year ?

 

[Cosmiq]

What the fuck ?! It seems like deliberate cruelty. I'm just speechless.


Dude... I'm sorry I don't know what to say, what a fucking mess. The thing about what they found on him 12 years ago, it could condemn him for a long time ?
When you say it could last a year, you mean it could be delayed every week during an entire year ?

Yeah they have a variety of reasons they can delay it but pretty much. Think about high profile cases, this happens too. It's why that guy Harvey Weinstein was first arrested in like 2018, but is only just got sentenced this year. If he were someone with no money and no support, he would have been in jail all that time while they gathered everything for the trial.

His case is already irregular, like that he has a parole officer despite serving his full sentence. They can keep him on parole up to 3 years, even though he's had no contact with his past gang for years, apparently, they can do this because of his status as a gang member before going to prison. I can't find any information that is similar to his situation. Waiting this long makes absolutely no sense because anytime a prison gets in trouble any other time they get there privileges are taken away or whatever right then. Bigger things would mean adding extra days, but also it's something that gets taken care of when they break the rule. And if it's something major like killing another inmate, they'd get resentenced. So I can't honestly think of anything that would be small enough to slip through cracks but big enough to not have him resentenced.
My mom is holding out hope that they don't actually have anything that would actually hold up in court, and that their real goal is to get him to act out which is something they could then charge him with. Even if they did have something, I don't think it could be a long time.
I think Thursday my sister and mom are flying to Sacramento for bail, so by then, we'll have a little knowledge and it'll be less stressful for everyone.

And yeah, everyone knows about police brutality. The cruelty towards prisoners is way worse, because I mean no one is gonna be fighting for prisoners' rights when America barely cares about its law-abiding citizens. Think about the fact that a guy on death-row sentenced for the rest of his life, still can't CHOOSE to die. It makes you realize just how unlikely assisted suicide would come to us any time soon.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yeah they have a variety of reasons they can delay it but pretty much. Think about high profile cases, this happens too. It's why that guy Harvey Weinstein was first arrested in like 2018, but is only just got sentenced this year. If he were someone with no money and no support, he would have been in jail all that time while they gathered everything for the trial.

His case is already irregular, like that he has a parole officer despite serving his full sentence. They can keep him on parole up to 3 years, even though he's had no contact with his past gang for years, apparently, they can do this because of his status as a gang member before going to prison. I can't find any information that is similar to his situation. Waiting this long makes absolutely no sense because anytime a prison gets in trouble any other time they get there privileges are taken away or whatever right then. Bigger things would mean adding extra days, but also it's something that gets taken care of when they break the rule. And if it's something major like killing another inmate, they'd get resentenced. So I can't honestly think of anything that would be small enough to slip through cracks but big enough to not have him resentenced.
My mom is holding out hope that they don't actually have anything that would actually hold up in court, and that their real goal is to get him to act out which is something they could then charge him with. Even if they did have something, I don't think it could be a long time.
I think Thursday my sister and mom are flying to Sacramento for bail, so by then, we'll have a little knowledge and it'll be less stressful for everyone.

And yeah, everyone knows about police brutality. The cruelty towards prisoners is way worse, because I mean no one is gonna be fighting for prisoners' rights when America barely cares about its law-abiding citizens. Think about the fact that a guy on death-row sentenced for the rest of his life, still can't CHOOSE to die. It makes you realize just how unlikely assisted suicide would come to us any time soon.

wtf I thought Weinstein spent this year in jail, he is supposed to be sentenced for a crime after all.

This is all weird about your brother, especially for a thing that happened 12 years ago. Any news from your mom and sis on what is going on ?

And I heard that inmates in the US are actually not protected by the constitution or something. That they are somewhat not considered as citizens anymore. Like slavery is technically still legal in a certain way, that inmates can be forced to work for free basically.

 

[Cosmiq]

wtf I thought Weinstein spent this year in jail, he is supposed to be sentenced for a crime after all.

This is all weird about your brother, especially for a thing that happened 12 years ago. Any news from your mom and sis on what is going on ?

And I heard that inmates in the US are actually not protected by the constitution or something. That they are somewhat not considered as citizens anymore. Like slavery is technically still legal in a certain way, that inmates can be forced to work for free basically.

The most fucked up thing happened. I mean I thought it was a bit weird that my sister and her boyfriend were going to pick him up even though my mom had been telling me for a few months it would be me and her to go pick him up.
No, but the worst part is he finally comes home. I get a text at 1am from a number I don't know Wednesday night. I check and it's a picture of my entire family with my brother, and a message that says "you should have been here"
I was left out, forgotten, no one thought to text me even though I'm a 15-minute ride away.
I talked to my mom early on Wednesday because she said they got the go-ahead to post bail and pick him up. She said she would update me because they weren't sure if they were gonna stay overnight or just drive straight home. But she never did.
It sucks because she's basically told me since the day he was supposed to come home, May 30, that I was on call to go pick him up as soon as they had the go-ahead but within the last few days found me to be forgettable and somehow not the best option despite having the most driving experience because driving has been a major part of my job for the past 6 years. I was forgotten during a time that was supposed to be a reunion. My older sister and I have been at odds since her religious beliefs had suddenly meant she held homophobic views. I was hesitant to be there because I've had anxiety attacks when having to be near her, but my mom pushed and made a point to tell me how important it was for me to be there. So a nearly a month ago I asked my psychiatrist for something for anxiety, and she seemed relieved that I was finally willing to try something new. I told my mom about it and that no doubt I'd be there.

To have this happen was just a huge blow, helping set things up for him to come home was one of the few things I took interests in this year. I put nearly $400 in a 2012 Macbook Pro to upgrade as much of it as I could, talked to ex-cons on forums, read articles, and made suggestions based off that information.
I messaged my mom like 5 am the next morning because I couldn't sleep and told her it was nice to see a picture of my entire family without me in it, because now I knew what it'd look like when I'm gone. I was parked under the bridge I plan to jump off of, and this experience has just fueled me even more.

 

[Darksektori]

"Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it"
-Georges Bernanos

 

[Iloveyouall]

The most fucked up thing happened. I mean I thought it was a bit weird that my sister and her boyfriend were going to pick him up even though my mom had been telling me for a few months it would be me and her to go pick him up.
No, but the worst part is he finally comes home. I get a text at 1am from a number I don't know Wednesday night. I check and it's a picture of my entire family with my brother, and a message that says "you should have been here"
I was left out, forgotten, no one thought to text me even though I'm a 15-minute ride away.
I talked to my mom early on Wednesday because she said they got the go-ahead to post bail and pick him up. She said she would update me because they weren't sure if they were gonna stay overnight or just drive straight home. But she never did.
It sucks because she's basically told me since the day he was supposed to come home, May 30, that I was on call to go pick him up as soon as they had the go-ahead but within the last few days found me to be forgettable and somehow not the best option despite having the most driving experience because driving has been a major part of my job for the past 6 years. I was forgotten during a time that was supposed to be a reunion. My older sister and I have been at odds since her religious beliefs had suddenly meant she held homophobic views. I was hesitant to be there because I've had anxiety attacks when having to be near her, but my mom pushed and made a point to tell me how important it was for me to be there. So a nearly a month ago I asked my psychiatrist for something for anxiety, and she seemed relieved that I was finally willing to try something new. I told my mom about it and that no doubt I'd be there.

To have this happen was just a huge blow, helping set things up for him to come home was one of the few things I took interests in this year. I put nearly $400 in a 2012 Macbook Pro to upgrade as much of it as I could, talked to ex-cons on forums, read articles, and made suggestions based off that information.
I messaged my mom like 5 am the next morning because I couldn't sleep and told her it was nice to see a picture of my entire family without me in it, because now I knew what it'd look like when I'm gone. I was parked under the bridge I plan to jump off of, and this experience has just fueled me even more.

That's so weird they "forgot you". Could it be because of your sister ? as you two don't get along very well as I understand. Or maybe they were just kinda overwhelmed by emotions. What did your mom answered to what you told her about when you'll be gone ? Have you finally seen your brother now ?