Help Torn: I can't live or die :(

[Dawn0071111]

I hate being alive, but my ideation seems to keep waning. I feel like my reasons to CTB are pathetic, yet I don't want to endure life... more than anything I want my resolve to die back.... I don't want to learn to live.... I don't want to try anymore... The part of me that longs for human experinces is stalling me & I need to squash it. I can't stay here in post trauma life. Its too hard. I'm so desperate for eternal sleep, why am I always betrayed by this stupid meat sack Im trapped in? I've got to get out of here...

 

[Flightlinek]

I've been there. What you need is a partner, someone to be by your side experiencing it with you, reassuring you that it's going to be OK.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I've been there. What you need is a partner, someone to be by your side experiencing it with you, reassuring you that it's going to be OK.

Its true. Im here because I felt I met that one last summer...... now hes gone & I hate myself deeply...

 

[HGL91]

Its true. Im here because I felt I met that one last summer...... now hes gone & I hate myself deeply...

What was the reason for the break up?? Could you heal, and maybe try to get him back?

 

[sadgirl2002]

I hate being alive, but my ideation seems to keep waning. I feel like my reasons to CTB are pathetic, yet I don't want to endure life... more than anything I want my resolve to die back.... I don't want to learn to live.... I don't want to try anymore... The part of me that longs for human experinces is stalling me & I need to squash it. I can't stay here in post trauma life. Its too hard. I'm so desperate for eternal sleep, why am I always betrayed by this stupid meat sack Im trapped in? I've got to get out of here...

I relate to what you say, especially the title of your thread.

I've been there. What you need is a partner, someone to be by your side experiencing it with you, reassuring you that it's going to be OK.

This is exactly what I need and I really want it to happen. I know I'll stay alive for him but it's so hard to wait for him to come back...

 

[Dawn0071111]

What was the reason for the break up?? Could you heal, and maybe try to get him back?

Nope. It was a disaster. He was a narcissitic player.... I got messed up so bad ended up traumatized... tried to cbt in January sent him a 50 page suicide letter, it was fucking crazy. I was humiliated & can never live it down. Only knew him 3 mo. Never been in love like that before, I hate myself for it all. He threw me away like the garbadge that I am. Sorry im being so morbid, I wish some knight could save me, but Im probably too fucked up anywsy even tho i thought i was a sweet girl... too sweet,a desperate doormat which men seem to dispise & it arouses disgust & just makes them not give a shit about me cause i allow it, get used... only can blame myself and want to die to aviod it all. That no boy will ever see me as worthy of his muse, flowers, or anything... just a midnight booty call is all ive ever been worth.... so fuck it. Im going to force myself to ctb out of senseless spite. :(

 

[WilliamKline]

Nope. It was a disaster. He was a narcissitic player.... I got messed up so bad ended up traumatized... tried to cbt in January sent him a 50 page suicide letter, it was fucking crazy. I was humiliated & can never live it down. Only knew him 3 mo. Never been in love like that before, I hate myself for it all. He threw me away like the garbadge that I am. Sorry im being so morbid, I wish some knight could save me, but Im probably too fucked up anywsy even tho i thought i was a sweet girl... too sweet,a desperate doormat which men seem to dispise & it arouses disgust & just makes them not give a shit about me cause i allow it, get used... only can blame myself and want to die to aviod it all. That no boy will ever see me as worthy of his muse, flowers, or anything... just a midnight booty call is all ive ever been worth.... so fuck it. Im going to force myself to ctb out of senseless spite. :(

Just like women, there's all types of men really. Not all men are only looking for the looks and lust. Trust me, there are very kind, sweet, gentle men out there who will love you for who you are - including your imperfections and limitations, we all have them. There's a lot of heartbroken guys out there as well

 

[Dawn0071111]

Just like women, there's all types of men really. Not all men are only looking for the looks and lust. Trust me, there are very kind, sweet, gentle men out there who will love you for who you are - including your imperfections and limitations, we all have them. There's a lot of heartbroken guys out there as well

Your right I cannot deny the truth of yiur words, its just that I fear i will never have any attraction to a sweet guy. Afterall i married someone i had no chemistry with, not in love with cause he was nice to me... so i have to choose between abusive assholes i have connection with or nice guys that im bored to death. Im sure this common ailment of the psyche can be fixed, but im too impatient, proud and broken to even considering what it would look like to change at that kind of level... so yeah... I am cbt ing because even if I do get abused, its still me that stays, chases.. and if i walk away, like with this last one. I still had a aftermath syndrome... PTSD with all the trimmings.. so im sure my childhood of being treated like shit by my mom then living in 27 institutions before 18 didnt help. All the assistance is coming now.. therapy, yoga, divorce. But im like fuck it. Now that Im all fucked up, NOW the shit I needed shows up? Well Im slapping away that hand, and Im just seriously going to rashly gulp down my poision and force myself to endure whatever side effects come till Im dead. Im just tired & at 40 im not trying to do a complete psycoligical overhaul.... all the people who failed me in my youth had a chance to help before my personality solidified into something destructive, sad and defective.... I can admit I was wrong with my words, but my inner twistedness wont allow me to admit it in my actions. Blaming others is pure survival...
If I accept responsibility. .. my only choice is death. Because, I was so happy. Then I was obliterated. Beyond repair by choice. I need some kind of control. All I have left is to live or die.. and living seems like a defeat to me. Because I wont be living to get restitution, but to "work on myself." Fuck that (sorry 4 the long rant)

 

[Painpleasure]

It is unfortunately too true that one must find a way to live life or alternatively one must find the courage to die. Both instances need a considerable amount of effort but today's society often condemns the latter and incorrectly deems it an act of cowardice.

 

[gingerplum]

Your right I cannot deny the truth of yiur words, its just that I fear i will never have any attraction to a sweet guy. Afterall i married someone i had no chemistry with, not in love with cause he was nice to me... so i have to choose between abusive assholes i have connection with or nice guys that im bored to death. Im sure this common ailment of the psyche can be fixed, but im too impatient, proud and broken to even considering what it would look like to change at that kind of level... so yeah... I am cbt ing because even if I do get abused, its still me that stays, chases.. and if i walk away, like with this last one. I still had a aftermath syndrome... PTSD with all the trimmings.. so im sure my childhood of being treated like shit by my mom then living in 27 institutions before 18 didnt help. All the assistance is coming now.. therapy, yoga, divorce. But im like fuck it. Now that Im all fucked up, NOW the shit I needed shows up? Well Im slapping away that hand, and Im just seriously going to rashly gulp down my poision and force myself to endure whatever side effects come till Im dead. Im just tired & at 40 im not trying to do a complete psycoligical overhaul.... all the people who failed me in my youth had a chance to help before my personality solidified into something destructive, sad and defective.... I can admit I was wrong with my words, but my inner twistedness wont allow me to admit it in my actions. Blaming others is pure survival...
If I accept responsibility. .. my only choice is death. Because, I was so happy. Then I was obliterated. Beyond repair by choice. I need some kind of control. All I have left is to live or die.. and living seems like a defeat to me. Because I wont be living to get restitution, but to "work on myself." Fuck that (sorry 4 the long rant)

You're 40, you say? Have you been in therapy?

 

[White_Room293]

Nope. It was a disaster. He was a narcissitic player.... I got messed up so bad ended up traumatized... tried to cbt in January sent him a 50 page suicide letter, it was fucking crazy. I was humiliated & can never live it down. Only knew him 3 mo. Never been in love like that before, I hate myself for it all. He threw me away like the garbadge that I am. Sorry im being so morbid, I wish some knight could save me, but Im probably too fucked up anywsy even tho i thought i was a sweet girl... too sweet,a desperate doormat which men seem to dispise & it arouses disgust & just makes them not give a shit about me cause i allow it, get used... only can blame myself and want to die to aviod it all. That no boy will ever see me as worthy of his muse, flowers, or anything... just a midnight booty call is all ive ever been worth.... so fuck it. Im going to force myself to ctb out of senseless spite. :(

Was that your first experience with infatuation/love? I had a similar experience before for 1 month

 

[Dawn0071111]

You're 40, you say? Have you been in therapy?

Yes, Im getting ready for an appointment right now. Its all bullshit though, I dont want "help", I want love. I know this sounds immature, unrealistic, crazy, but hey this is the suicide forum & im being honest here in a way i cant do anywhere else.

Was that your first experience with infatuation/love? I had a similar experience before for 1 month

Before I CBT Ill tell the whole story. It kicks up my ptsd to retell.... I thought i met the one.... but im stupid.

 

[White_Room293]

Yes, Im getting ready for an appointment right now. Its all bullshit though, I dont want "help", I want love. I know this sounds immature, unrealistic, crazy, but hey this is the suicide forum & im being honest here in a way i cant do anywhere else.

Don't tell them you're suicidal or they'll lock you up. It might take a lot of appointments for something to change and you'll have to stick to it so you'll just have to see

 

[gingerplum]

Yes, Im getting ready for an appointment right now. Its all bullshit though, I dont want "help", I want love. I know this sounds immature, unrealistic, crazy, but hey this is the suicide forum & im being honest here in a way i cant do anywhere else.

Before I CBT Ill tell the whole story. It kicks up my ptsd to retell.... I thought i met the one.... but im stupid.

I appreciate your honesty, Dawn, and if it's ok, with your permission, I'd like the chance to give you some honest feedback. You might not like it, so feel free to tell me to fuck the fuck off. Otherwise, if you're interested let me know your preference, here or a PM.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Don't tell them you're suicidal or they'll lock you up. It might take a lot of appointments for something to change and you'll have to stick to it so you'll just have to see

OMG, yes I know that game. She knows that I tried and failed in Jan.... so I'm already on the suspect list. But I am keeping my appointments and she is very kind.... I see therepy as jut one of many tools one needs to use in recovery. But I don't consider myself in recvoery. I am just seeing a therapist because its free and I'm living with someone else (husband) so I need to be doing somethign about these damn PTSD symptoms. But its all an act. I dont really want to get well, I want to die. If some miracle happens in the course of my plan, i'll take it, but the days of trying to make life work are over. I'm sick of this shit and if I didn't have the husband I would have CTB already, but I still have enough humanity in me to try and get all the affairs in order so that I don't leave a financial mess.... I also need to find a place to do it since that would be fucked up to die in the house..... or in the car. I just would be pissed and be fucked up to CTB in the car he needs to drive to work or in the same house I died in so it makes my planning a bit harder... If things go south I might say fuck it and take the car, because we have good insurance, but CTB is already traumatzing as it is, I don't want to do it in a way that unnecesarrily makes things even worse, so i got a lot on my plate.

I appreciate your honesty, Dawn, and if it's ok, with your permission, I'd like the chance to give you some honest feedback. You might not like it, so feel free to tell me to fuck the fuck off. Otherwise, if you're interested let me know your preference, here or a PM.
[

Well dang if you have to give it a disclaimer, I'm sure it wont be beneficial for me... Even it it has some sort of groundbreaking "truth"... Trust me since my trauma, I've had a few try and make me see the light, tell me about myself, open my eyes, give me the cold hard truth..... yada yada..... Honestly, I probably would be open to it, but this is just not the right time....... My mind is made up, and I feel like if you already suspect it would rub me the wrong way, then I am sure it would. Not necesarily because of the content, but just because of where I am and my emotional needs at this moment. \

I do want to give you this though>>> Thank you so much for asking. It is such a gift of respect, something that has been missign in many of my human interactions since last summer. The fact that you were considerate enought to take into account where I am emotioanlly before just putting something out there that could be potentially hurtful or misunderstood means more than you could ever know.

I appreciate your honesty, Dawn, and if it's ok, with your permission, I'd like the chance to give you some honest feedback. You might not like it, so feel free to tell me to fuck the fuck off. Otherwise, if you're interested let me know your preference, here or a PM.

Well dang if you have to give it a disclaimer, I'm sure it wont be beneficial for me... Even it it has some sort of groundbreaking "truth"... Trust me since my trauma, I've had a few try and make me see the light, tell me about myself, open my eyes, give me the cold hard truth..... yada yada..... Honestly, I probably would be open to it, but this is just not the right time....... My mind is made up, and I feel like if you already suspect it would rub me the wrong way, then I am sure it would. Not necesarily because of the content, but just because of where I am and my emotional needs at this moment. \

I do want to give you this though>>> Thank you so much for asking. It is such a gift of respect, something that has been missign in many of my human interactions since last summer. The fact that you were considerate enought to take into account where I am emotioanlly before just putting something out there that could be potentially hurtful or misunderstood means more than you could ever know.

 

[gingerplum]

OMG, yes I know that game. She knows that I tried and failed in Jan.... so I'm already on the suspect list. But I am keeping my appointments and she is very kind.... I see therepy as jut one of many tools one needs to use in recovery. But I don't consider myself in recvoery. I am just seeing a therapist because its free and I'm living with someone else (husband) so I need to be doing somethign about these damn PTSD symptoms. But its all an act. I dont really want to get well, I want to die. If some miracle happens in the course of my plan, i'll take it, but the days of trying to make life work are over. I'm sick of this shit and if I didn't have the husband I would have CTB already, but I still have enough humanity in me to try and get all the affairs in order so that I don't leave a financial mess.... I also need to find a place to do it since that would be fucked up to die in the house..... or in the car. I just would be pissed and be fucked up to CTB in the car he needs to drive to work or in the same house I died in so it makes my planning a bit harder... If things go south I might say fuck it and take the car, because we have good insurance, but CTB is already traumatzing as it is, I don't want to do it in a way that unnecesarrily makes things even worse, so i got a lot on my plate.


Well dang if you have to give it a disclaimer, I'm sure it wont be beneficial for me... Even it it has some sort of groundbreaking "truth"... Trust me since my trauma, I've had a few try and make me see the light, tell me about myself, open my eyes, give me the cold hard truth..... yada yada..... Honestly, I probably would be open to it, but this is just not the right time....... My mind is made up, and I feel like if you already suspect it would rub me the wrong way, then I am sure it would. Not necesarily because of the content, but just because of where I am and my emotional needs at this moment. \

I do want to give you this though>>> Thank you so much for asking. It is such a gift of respect, something that has been missign in many of my human interactions since last summer. The fact that you were considerate enought to take into account where I am emotioanlly before just putting something out there that could be potentially hurtful or misunderstood means more than you could ever know.

I would never want to present anything that you're potentially not ready for or open to, and it's not my place to be an intrusive asshole with unsolicited armchair psychiatry. Very thoughtful and appropriate response; asked and answered.

 

[TowerUpright]

Your right I cannot deny the truth of yiur words, its just that I fear i will never have any attraction to a sweet guy. Afterall i married someone i had no chemistry with, not in love with cause he was nice to me... so i have to choose between abusive assholes i have connection with or nice guys that im bored to death. Im sure this common ailment of the psyche can be fixed, but im too impatient, proud and broken to even considering what it would look like to change at that kind of level... so yeah... I am cbt ing because even if I do get abused, its still me that stays, chases.. and if i walk away, like with this last one. I still had a aftermath syndrome... PTSD with all the trimmings.. so im sure my childhood of being treated like shit by my mom then living in 27 institutions before 18 didnt help. All the assistance is coming now.. therapy, yoga, divorce. But im like fuck it. Now that Im all fucked up, NOW the shit I needed shows up? Well Im slapping away that hand, and Im just seriously going to rashly gulp down my poision and force myself to endure whatever side effects come till Im dead. Im just tired & at 40 im not trying to do a complete psycoligical overhaul.... all the people who failed me in my youth had a chance to help before my personality solidified into something destructive, sad and defective.... I can admit I was wrong with my words, but my inner twistedness wont allow me to admit it in my actions. Blaming others is pure survival...
If I accept responsibility. .. my only choice is death. Because, I was so happy. Then I was obliterated. Beyond repair by choice. I need some kind of control. All I have left is to live or die.. and living seems like a defeat to me. Because I wont be living to get restitution, but to "work on myself." Fuck that (sorry 4 the long rant)

So much to say about this, but I'll keep it short. I can empathize quite a bit with you. 40+ and I'm so done with that. Being with the wrong people in the past. I'm done with people. Old friends, girlfriends, parents, ex-wife and wife. Enough about me. Know some of are giving you positive thoughts. Hope you find peace, one way or another.

 

[Laststop]

@Dawn0071111 Your posts on this thread have me in a deep state I cannot exactly put into words. I've gone through life being an unattractive male. I use to try when I was younger. I see it as torturing myself when I look back on it now. Over the years I've gone through many "frequencies" of how I look at it all. At how I look at people. The way you say that you feel so bad about not finding a guy that suits you, yet say that good guys bore you, actually makes me smile a little. I use to HATE hearing that when I was younger. I would look around, and wonder why everyone didn't soundly admonish the person stating it. It kind of falls into that whole, "women really only want jerks," thing. I realize now it's just me (and other guys who feel the same way) feeling sorry for myself. I did however give up years ago, and see other people as being a bad thing, and not something to be upset about for lacking. Still, other people really seem to need others. Some accept the problems gladly, as they say it goes with all of it, and they couldn't imagine being without it. Maybe it's because all the people in my life have been so shitty, and I haven't had much in the way of relationships that added to my life, but rather were painful? Anyway...I find it difficult to accept you want to CTB over other people like that on the surface. But, I know me being here has to do with other people too. I might be numb to it now, but the results are still there. I don't know if giving up on people would help you? It hasn't me.

 

[Dawn0071111]

@Dawn0071111 Your posts on this thread have me in a deep state I cannot exactly put into words. I've gone through life being an unattractive male. I use to try when I was younger. I see it as torturing myself when I look back on it now. Over the years I've gone through many "frequencies" of how I look at it all. At how I look at people. The way you say that you feel so bad about not finding a guy that suits you, yet say that good guys bore you, actually makes me smile a little. I use to HATE hearing that when I was younger. I would look around, and wonder why everyone didn't soundly admonish the person stating it. It kind of falls into that whole, "women really only want jerks," thing. I realize now it's just me (and other guys who feel the same way) feeling sorry for myself. I did however give up years ago, and see other people as being a bad thing, and not something to be upset about for lacking. Still, other people really seem to need others. Some accept the problems gladly, as they say it goes with all of it, and they couldn't imagine being without it. Maybe it's because all the people in my life have been so shitty, and I haven't had much in the way of relationships that added to my life, but rather were painful? Anyway...I find it difficult to accept you want to CTB over other people like that on the surface. But, I know me being here has to do with other people too. I might be numb to it now, but the results are still there. I don't know if giving up on people would help you? It hasn't me.

@Laststop... I think for me I am hoplessly dependant upon others... to survive.. every convention in psychology says this is pathology. But i dont give a shit. Being independent, and alone seems dull as fuck. But ive never known love, connetion & bonding and Im over my quest. I know it should have beena driving factor in life, but oh well. I just want to die out of spite, resentment, anger, humiliation, regret,... honestly I know Im just a big ol toddler who never grew up... Im just having this never ending tantrum about how life isnt my way, Im mad that I didn't figure out how to get what I want in life. Why stick around and be a miserable, bitter, envious who can't truly be happy for others fortunes because it all reminds me of what i never had or can't have? Ewew.. i would never want to live like that, but thats how i will be if i stick around this shithole called "life". I wish it alll had been different, i wish i was emotionally healthy enough to attract partners based on character & not stupid external shit or subconscious attraction based on my narc mother or that my dad abandoned me at age 7. I feel like I can win at quitting. That ctb is the hardest thing Ill ever do, but its still easier than staying here to work out all the mental shit that warped me, my own baggage, my own dark side. I never want to deal with the part of me that is selfish, unempathetic, narcissitic, prideful and inferior. I don't ever want to deal with hiw i was the one that created the mess in my life, no matter how empowering it may seem to get a "fresh start." I just want to sleep. I forfeit feeling the breeze on my skin, seeing birds, the colors of the sky at sunset.... to one more day of feeling denied. Alone. Tortured by my mind. Isolated. Disconnected.

So much to say about this, but I'll keep it short. I can empathize quite a bit with you. 40+ and I'm so done with that. Being with the wrong people in the past. I'm done with people. Old friends, girlfriends, parents, ex-wife and wife. Enough about me. Know some of are giving you positive thoughts. Hope you find peace, one way or another.

Thank you so much... I do feel it in this forum, I hope that I also make impact here. Id do more if I could... I hate to see people suffer so damn bad. It makes no sense really... All these fucking lonely, isolated people... but we are all so far apart... i wish i could say im done with people.... but id be lying to myself. I need community, family, friends, bonding, connection...
I dont have any of it, and its my own fault. I need people but are bored by most of them, I never stay in the same place long.... probably the pattern of growing up in all those homes... my motivation is low if there is no immediate reward... im a monster.... i am a sweet doll, but there are serious emotional developmental deficits that really screwd me... Its sad because I am kinda a pretty girl, but i guess there is something about me... maybe the desperation, neediness or lack of genuine interest in others for thier own sake that makes me emotionally unnatractive..... I dunno..
But its too late for analysis now, Im just glad I found a group of people that i can be real with in this dark place.... where at this moment I have within my reach means to take my life at any moment...

 

[Notcutoutforlife]

Nope. It was a disaster. He was a narcissitic player.... I got messed up so bad ended up traumatized... tried to cbt in January sent him a 50 page suicide letter, it was fucking crazy. I was humiliated & can never live it down. Only knew him 3 mo. Never been in love like that before, I hate myself for it all. He threw me away like the garbadge that I am. Sorry im being so morbid, I wish some knight could save me, but Im probably too fucked up anywsy even tho i thought i was a sweet girl... too sweet,a desperate doormat which men seem to dispise & it arouses disgust & just makes them not give a shit about me cause i allow it, get used... only can blame myself and want to die to aviod it all. That no boy will ever see me as worthy of his muse, flowers, or anything... just a midnight booty call is all ive ever been worth.... so fuck it. Im going to force myself to ctb out of senseless spite. :(

Jesus that's like reading my life right now - except I'm still 'with' him, too pathetic to kick him for just using and abusing - I feel its like getting 'love' at any cost because the alternative is nothing - so want to ctb either way (not just because of this prick though, he's just a contributing factor albeit a bit of a symbol of relationships in general). I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how bad it is I really do!

Massive tearful hugs
xxxx

 

[Dawn0071111]

Jesus that's like reading my life right now - except I'm still 'with' him, too pathetic to kick him for just using and abusing - I feel its like getting 'love' at any cost because the alternative is nothing - so want to ctb either way (not just because of this prick though, he's just a contributing factor albeit a bit of a symbol of relationships in general). I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how bad it is I really do!

Massive tearful hugs
xxxx

ThNk you girl, yes it is so hard to be with or without... we want to have dignity and respect, we want mutual love, we want to be cherished and adored & we want to love and serve and be loyal in return.. we just didnt know much aboyt value, worth, vetting, and all it takes to finally be with that great boy.... its hard, Im so sorry its so u fulfilling and bad for you... So much love and massive huggz to you too sis... the stuggle is real... I hope you find your hearts desire

 

[Sweet emotion]

Reading how you think about yourself breaks my heart. Who treated you so badly that they took away your self worth? Before you're in any kind of relationship, you have to learn to love yourself first. I know that can sound corny but if you don't love yourself no one else can either. If you have a negative self worth you're going to attract people who treat you poorly. Maybe if you got some therapy and built yourself up to yourself. I'm sure you have many outstanding qualities that you aren't even aware of because that negative voice inside is always putting you down. You have to retrain your brain. It just makes me really sad because I'm 34 years old, I like to say I'm 31 haha. And I've never experienced love because I got sick when I was 20 with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history and I wasn't able to leave the house. So I'll never know what love is like and that kills me. On top of the physical pain which is off the charts the emotional pain is just as bad. But I know I would make a wonderful girlfriend or wife to someone and that's why it hurts even worse. I have so much to give but am unable to give it. Maybe if you got some really good help you'll see how much you're worth and things will get so much better for you. You have to give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. I hope you can get a handle on this and really thrive.

 

[TowerUpright]

Completely off-subject - your profile picture is awesome.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Reading how you think about yourself breaks my heart. Who treated you so badly that they took away your self worth? Before you're in any kind of relationship, you have to learn to love yourself first. I know that can sound corny but if you don't love yourself no one else can either. If you have a negative self worth you're going to attract people who treat you poorly. Maybe if you got some therapy and built yourself up to yourself. I'm sure you have many outstanding qualities that you aren't even aware of because that negative voice inside is always putting you down. You have to retrain your brain. It just makes me really sad because I'm 34 years old, I like to say I'm 31 haha. And I've never experienced love because I got sick when I was 20 with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history and I wasn't able to leave the house. So I'll never know what love is like and that kills me. On top of the physical pain which is off the charts the emotional pain is just as bad. But I know I would make a wonderful girlfriend or wife to someone and that's why it hurts even worse. I have so much to give but am unable to give it. Maybe if you got some really good help you'll see how much you're worth and things will get so much better for you. You have to give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. I hope you can get a handle on this and really thrive.

Hi Hun,

Wow, first of all I have to say that it breaks my heart to hear of your condition, I can't even imagine it, altough I can vet for the mental/emotional pain. But I am curious, you are in your condition, and you are here in a suicide forum, yet you are encouraging me. Perhaps because you see someone who potentially has an opportunity that you don't see is accessible to you? I think its beautiful that your sense of self seems to have remained intact in spite of your condition, and while I know your suffering is immense, that you have the heart to encourge, and that you have a sense of who you are and your inherant worth. I love this.

However, for me sister. I am a lost cause. I have experinced nothing but constant humiliation, invalidation, bullying, embarrassment, cruelty, being ignored, treated like shit, from age 7. I was ruined as a child only doomed to grow up as a mere shell of anything that emotionally resembles anything human. I am so sad and broken, that I only care about who can love me, who can validate me, who can save me.... And honey, I have been on a self -help kick since I was a teenager.... But I got developmentally trapped. I am a child forever trapped in an aging body.... My sadness turned into bitterness, rage, and finally self-defeat. I have a few people in my life that have said the exact same thing you have said here. That I have so much to offer, that I can heal, that things can get better, that I can LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF..... That last one really grinds my nerves, because the assumption is that I have the capacity to love myself. There is nothing there. I'm 40, if there as anything inside of myself to give to myself, I am sure I would have found it by now. I can look in the mirror and say i love you, It doesn't do shit, but if a cute boy compliments me, I am floating on cloud 9 for weeks. I don't know that the fuck is wrong with me, in that respect, but I'm tired of trying. The whole loving yourself thing just strikes me as new age bullshit and for all the people whodo love themselves in a healthy way, i am happy for them.

There was a intersting debate about wether or not self love is a prerequisite to finding true love, and I have a few friends who insist it isn't true, that a freind of mine struggles alot with her self esteem and found a really loving husband, but I will conceed, that one leaves themselves open to predators... Like I did, so yeah it definatly not without merit, clearly loving oneself is better than not. But basucally I am lazy, I just want a magical connection, i just want things to "click" I want love to overcome all. Yes, I know I am childish, immature, and don't want to give up my disney fantasy for something grown up and mature.

I really apprecite it, I swear if I had a dollar for every person who says Im too hard one myself I would be a millionire, I guess my standards are unrealistic and skewed. I dunno, living in the afterrmath of trauma, ptsd is horrible. I just truly have given up. I just feel like I don't want to exert any more effort, and when I look at how fucked up I am emotioanlly... The work it would take to be the kind of girl I think would have a happy full life is just like climbing Mount Fuji with a teaspoon. I'm a big baby, I want someone to save me, take care of me, rescue me. But since I'm NOT insane enough to think this is really going to happen, I realize my only hope to is just end my life. Throw in the towel. I didn't ask to come to this life, didn't ask for the parents, my skin color, my tempermant, any of this shit....

I know people say: Learn to play the cards you were dealt, Life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond, If life give you lemons make lemonade.... You know what mine is girl? Life can take its lemons and shove it up its ass...and I'm going to drink this SN, seal myself up in a room with a generator, and fall asleep while the rest of the world makes the best of whatever hand they were dealt.

Girl, I know I jut poured all this out, it was prompted from your very genuine response to my post. It break my heart a little too.... I hope that you maybe find recovery..... Just curious, why are you here? Are you thinking about CTB?

Huggzzz

 

[Sweet emotion]

Oh honey my heart breaks for you too. I just thought I would suggest therapy since it might have been something that could be fixed. But I understand. I hate it when people say you have to play the hand you were dealt. Yes I am in here because I am planning on ending my life. I'm in too much physical pain and emotional pain. This condition I have has taken everything away from me. I'm forced to be confined to my house and I only leave to go to the doctors or the hospital. I have no friends and I'm unable to see what little family I have left. The pain is excruciating. No one will ever understand pain like this unless they feel it themselves. The problem likes within my brain and spinal chord. One day I woke up and turned my head to the left. My head and neck went into a complete muscle spasm and ever since that I've known nothing but severe pain. What happens is that the brain and spinal chord keep on firing pain signals to the nerves so the body is never stop rest. It's always in pain. And I happen to be the only person the doctos have ever seen to have it inside the ears and head and face. It hurts too much to talk or listen to people. I have to leave the house every time someone does their lawn. The skin becomes so sensitive that I have to put numbing cream on my ears just so they can touch the pillow. I can't do anything for myself anymore. My mother takes care of me. During this 14 year period I lost my father and my grandmother. I had two jaw surgeries that made me worse off than I was before. Doctors have failed me so badly. So many people don't even believe that what I have is real. but it is. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome is known as the suicide disease because there are no surest or treatments and because so many people in this country are overdosing on opiates, people like me who need them to function, just to get out of bed, are being denied them. I'm getting reduced as we speak. It's a good thing I saved enough to end my misery. I called a doctor in Australia and he told me what to do. My best friend who had the same disease as me killed herself three years ago. She was 31, beautiful, loving, talented, and this disease just destroyed her as well as a botched operation they left her in more pain. We meet on a crps support group and found out we lived 20 minutes away from each other! But because we were in so much pain we never got a chance to meet in person. Since my doctors can't help me they want me to go to therapy and physical therapy. Those will both put me in even more pain than I'm already in. Talking and listening is excruciating and they want me to do that!?! I told them the problem is the CRPS. If you take that away the depression and anxiety goes away. I told them I'm not going to physical therapy. I refuse to put myself in more pain. They aren't the one who is going to be in bed shaking like a leaf because the pain is so bad. Screw that. Doctors have become so unfeeling. I know that in a few states they do dying with dignity but there is a requirement you have to meet. You have to have cancer and have six months or less to live. But this disease is so much worse! With this disease you're dying every mi ute you're alive! With cancer you either get better or die and are put out of your misery. With this you feel like you're literally being tortured non stop. People have actually had their limbs amputated to try and get rid of this diease. And since I also have it in my vaginal area I am unable to have sex. So of course I could never have a relationship. The fact that I'm never going to know what love feels like kills me. It breaks my heart. I still feel like a kid too. Since I got this at 20 and basically stopped living I feel like I'm 20. I don't consider myself a woman. I feel like a girl. I feel broken too. There are so many shattered pieces that they can never be put back together. I wish things turned out differently for us. You seem like such a beautiful person. I hope whatever happens, your pain ends and you find some form of relief. I know I'm not going to get better. I've gotten so much worse over the past three years as it is a degenerative disease. So I don't want to see what I'm going to be like next year. It's too scary. I'm in my head all the time, terrified.

 

[Sweet emotion]

@Laststop... I think for me I am hoplessly dependant upon others... to survive.. every convention in psychology says this is pathology. But i dont give a shit. Being independent, and alone seems dull as fuck. But ive never known love, connetion & bonding and Im over my quest. I know it should have beena driving factor in life, but oh well. I just want to die out of spite, resentment, anger, humiliation, regret,... honestly I know Im just a big ol toddler who never grew up... Im just having this never ending tantrum about how life isnt my way, Im mad that I didn't figure out how to get what I want in life. Why stick around and be a miserable, bitter, envious who can't truly be happy for others fortunes because it all reminds me of what i never had or can't have? Ewew.. i would never want to live like that, but thats how i will be if i stick around this shithole called "life". I wish it alll had been different, i wish i was emotionally healthy enough to attract partners based on character & not stupid external shit or subconscious attraction based on my narc mother or that my dad abandoned me at age 7. I feel like I can win at quitting. That ctb is the hardest thing Ill ever do, but its still easier than staying here to work out all the mental shit that warped me, my own baggage, my own dark side. I never want to deal with the part of me that is selfish, unempathetic, narcissitic, prideful and inferior. I don't ever want to deal with hiw i was the one that created the mess in my life, no matter how empowering it may seem to get a "fresh start." I just want to sleep. I forfeit feeling the breeze on my skin, seeing birds, the colors of the sky at sunset.... to one more day of feeling denied. Alone. Tortured by my mind. Isolated. Disconnected.

Thank you so much... I do feel it in this forum, I hope that I also make impact here. Id do more if I could... I hate to see people suffer so damn bad. It makes no sense really... All these fucking lonely, isolated people... but we are all so far apart... i wish i could say im done with people.... but id be lying to myself. I need community, family, friends, bonding, connection...
I dont have any of it, and its my own fault. I need people but are bored by most of them, I never stay in the same place long.... probably the pattern of growing up in all those homes... my motivation is low if there is no immediate reward... im a monster.... i am a sweet doll, but there are serious emotional developmental deficits that really screwd me... Its sad because I am kinda a pretty girl, but i guess there is something about me... maybe the desperation, neediness or lack of genuine interest in others for thier own sake that makes me emotionally unnatractive..... I dunno..
But its too late for analysis now, Im just glad I found a group of people that i can be real with in this dark place.... where at this moment I have within my reach means to take my life at any moment...

I totally understand what you mean when you say the happiness of others makes you cringe. I'm the same way. I used to be happy for others. But when everything has been taken away from you and there is nothing left to smile about, you don't want to see other people smiling. You know that they have no idea about what hard times are and that they take a lot for granted. When you're unhappy you want everyone else to be miserable too. It's only natural. That is where the saying misery loves company comes from. It's sad but true. When I see other people smiling it makes me sick. I just want to throw up. I think why in the world can't that be me? Why was I chosen to get the highest ranking pain condition in medical history? I know everyone who has what I have asks themselves why me. It makes you angry and bitter and envious. And I hate being envious of others. I'm envious of those that have money, that are healthy, that have husbands, that have their own homes..don't get me started haha.

 

[Sacha2019]

Nope. It was a disaster. He was a narcissitic player.... I got messed up so bad ended up traumatized... tried to cbt in January sent him a 50 page suicide letter, it was fucking crazy. I was humiliated & can never live it down. Only knew him 3 mo. Never been in love like that before, I hate myself for it all. He threw me away like the garbadge that I am. Sorry im being so morbid, I wish some knight could save me, but Im probably too fucked up anywsy even tho i thought i was a sweet girl... too sweet,a desperate doormat which men seem to dispise & it arouses disgust & just makes them not give a shit about me cause i allow it, get used... only can blame myself and want to die to aviod it all. That no boy will ever see me as worthy of his muse, flowers, or anything... just a midnight booty call is all ive ever been worth.... so fuck it. Im going to force myself to ctb out of senseless spite. :(

I can relate.. I feel so hopeless

Hi Hun,

Wow, first of all I have to say that it breaks my heart to hear of your condition, I can't even imagine it, altough I can vet for the mental/emotional pain. But I am curious, you are in your condition, and you are here in a suicide forum, yet you are encouraging me. Perhaps because you see someone who potentially has an opportunity that you don't see is accessible to you? I think its beautiful that your sense of self seems to have remained intact in spite of your condition, and while I know your suffering is immense, that you have the heart to encourge, and that you have a sense of who you are and your inherant worth. I love this.

However, for me sister. I am a lost cause. I have experinced nothing but constant humiliation, invalidation, bullying, embarrassment, cruelty, being ignored, treated like shit, from age 7. I was ruined as a child only doomed to grow up as a mere shell of anything that emotionally resembles anything human. I am so sad and broken, that I only care about who can love me, who can validate me, who can save me.... And honey, I have been on a self -help kick since I was a teenager.... But I got developmentally trapped. I am a child forever trapped in an aging body.... My sadness turned into bitterness, rage, and finally self-defeat. I have a few people in my life that have said the exact same thing you have said here. That I have so much to offer, that I can heal, that things can get better, that I can LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF..... That last one really grinds my nerves, because the assumption is that I have the capacity to love myself. There is nothing there. I'm 40, if there as anything inside of myself to give to myself, I am sure I would have found it by now. I can look in the mirror and say i love you, It doesn't do shit, but if a cute boy compliments me, I am floating on cloud 9 for weeks. I don't know that the fuck is wrong with me, in that respect, but I'm tired of trying. The whole loving yourself thing just strikes me as new age bullshit and for all the people whodo love themselves in a healthy way, i am happy for them.

There was a intersting debate about wether or not self love is a prerequisite to finding true love, and I have a few friends who insist it isn't true, that a freind of mine struggles alot with her self esteem and found a really loving husband, but I will conceed, that one leaves themselves open to predators... Like I did, so yeah it definatly not without merit, clearly loving oneself is better than not. But basucally I am lazy, I just want a magical connection, i just want things to "click" I want love to overcome all. Yes, I know I am childish, immature, and don't want to give up my disney fantasy for something grown up and mature.

I really apprecite it, I swear if I had a dollar for every person who says Im too hard one myself I would be a millionire, I guess my standards are unrealistic and skewed. I dunno, living in the afterrmath of trauma, ptsd is horrible. I just truly have given up. I just feel like I don't want to exert any more effort, and when I look at how fucked up I am emotioanlly... The work it would take to be the kind of girl I think would have a happy full life is just like climbing Mount Fuji with a teaspoon. I'm a big baby, I want someone to save me, take care of me, rescue me. But since I'm NOT insane enough to think this is really going to happen, I realize my only hope to is just end my life. Throw in the towel. I didn't ask to come to this life, didn't ask for the parents, my skin color, my tempermant, any of this shit....

I know people say: Learn to play the cards you were dealt, Life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond, If life give you lemons make lemonade.... You know what mine is girl? Life can take its lemons and shove it up its ass...and I'm going to drink this SN, seal myself up in a room with a generator, and fall asleep while the rest of the world makes the best of whatever hand they were dealt.

Girl, I know I jut poured all this out, it was prompted from your very genuine response to my post. It break my heart a little too.... I hope that you maybe find recovery..... Just curious, why are you here? Are you thinking about CTB?

Huggzzz

This is EXACTLY how I feel it's crazy...

 

[Dawn0071111]

I can relate.. I feel so hopeless

This is EXACTLY how I feel it's crazy...

Im so sorry you know how this feels its awful... would not wish it on anyone.....