Torn about recovery

[DyingToDie123]

Hi. I'm back. It's been a while.
Long story short I attempted a bunch of times but kept aborting or failing until I finally got exhausted from trying and decided to try to get myself admitted into a hospital. It was harder than I expected to convince someone to take me but I eventually did, I got back on my meds, I started feeling less desperate to die day by day, and I got back to life and got the motivation to finish my schoolwork for the semester at least.

But I don't feel good. I just feel... indifferent. And when I realize how indifferent I've become, especially given how I wanted to prove I had the strength to kill myself to a bunch of people who didn't think I did, I get angry. Not that angry, because meds blunt all my feelings, but angry enough that I want to stop taking them again so I'm not so numb to the whole situation that got me in this mess in the first place.

After I got back from the hospital, my therapist essentially fired me. She no longer thinks she can help me, and to be fair, she's probably right. So I'm looking into new therapists, who often tell me I need a higher level of care, so I'm looking into that too, maybe an Intensive Outpatient Program. But then I realized I don't know if I still want to do this. I don't know if I care, and I certainly don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something that I'm not fully bought into.

I just don't know. I feel like I'm just surrendering to life because dying is just too hard as is wanting to die but I don't want to be a quitter. I don't know if I'm ready to leave the ctb route behind yet.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Regardless of what your therapists have told you... What do you want to do with your life? Say you could do anything? (Even if it's not realistic.)
I know that you seem to want some degree of social validation but that doesn't really ever "hit". I don't know how to explain it other than it just isn't tangible.
If I fall asleep I'll reply in the afternoon jsuk.

 

[thewalkingdread]

Hey @DyingToDie123 ... I'm so sorry to hear about all the hardships you've been through... Believe me... I was worried about you.

I really hope you can sort things out.

 

[DyingToDie123]

Regardless of what your therapists have told you... What do you want to do with your life? Say you could do anything? (Even if it's not realistic.)
I know that you seem to want some degree of social validation but that doesn't really ever "hit". I don't know how to explain it other than it just isn't tangible.
If I fall asleep I'll reply in the afternoon jsuk.

I don't really know. For a long time I wanted to find a career where I could help a lot of people but a lot of things have gotten in the way of that and I just don't know if I have it in me to care anymore. Nothing else really gets me excited anymore.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I don't really know. For a long time I wanted to find a career where I could help a lot of people but a lot of things have gotten in the way of that and I just don't know if I have it in me to care anymore. Nothing else really gets me excited anymore.

So let me tell you what my day has been, maybe you'll get what I'm trying to say.
So, I've been talking on and off to the Love of my life who I hadn't spoken to since I went to prison...
it's been for a week. She gave me a lot of signs that we were getting back together...
and a few minutes ago she blocked me.
Yeah, so... the person I have been holding out hope for just showed me that I never mattered enough to try again for.
I had literally attempted suicide over my inability to get over her without her knowing.
So I feel like my mistakes with her weren't as huge as they were and she was just two faced all along.

I don't know if I can ever make up for my sins but now I feel like I'm worth the chance in anyone's mind.
I might not be alive tomorrow if I'm honest...
But you, you are someone who still wants to do good in the world. You might feel like you don't have it in you,
but I believe you do because you're able to talk about it. The first step in anything is starting from the bottom.
I think you can do anything you set your mind to.
All I wanted was the memories I had with my ex to be real... and they weren't.
You are actively expressing your desire to help and heal.
You're worth healing, and the world needs more people like you in it.
We need less people who aren't open to give something of themselves even if it's hard to do.
We need more people with hearts like you.

 

[thewalkingdread]

but a lot of things have gotten in the way of that and I just don't know if I have it in me to care anymore. Nothing else really gets me excited anymore.

Man... I feel like this all the time. You have my condolences. I literally feel like a zombie. I planned to CTB this month. I obviously failed... And this dynamics has been going on for months, a year.

Once you contemplate suicide for so long it's very hard and weird to get back to the "normal" life... It's just so hard.

 

[exiled]

It sounds like you've taken a lot of steps toward recovery and that you're dedicated to trying everything you can. I really admire this attitude as someone who is actively forcing myself to choose recovery. I am sorry that your therapist terminated services with you; it makes me sad to know that people that go into this profession end up using the cop out of "well it's too much for me." Then maybe don't choose such an intense career for yourself? Sorry, I am clearly airing out my own trauma with this. Projecting, if you will.

It's okay to take recovery in the slowest way possible. Steps forward and steps back, and sometimes it will feel like it is only steps back. But I can sense a fighting spirit in you and I think you're making the "right" choice, whatever that means. To clarify, I support you fully in trying to find healing instead of CTB.

I can tell that you are struggling with that so maybe come back to the original reason why you chose recovery in the first place? Is there a tangible reason as to why you decided you were going to give life another chance? I would try and write that down, and come back to it every single time you feel indifferent about things. Apathy can pass, but if you choose to CTB of course that's permanent.

Would it also be beneficial or even feasible for you to kind of just up and start over? Do you have the means to move to a new city, state, country, etc? Perhaps a fresh start can give you a fresh perspective. I know that isn't always ideal or realistic but just a suggestion. But a risk like that could be the nudge you need to truly welcome recovery.

Just remember, you're making a very brave decision and choosing to fight requires incredible strength. I see it within you; keep going. I'm rooting for you! And here if you need to message (you can DM me if you'd like my Discord tag). Best of luck, friend.