Venting Too weak to CTB

[Painless_end]

I used to feel in the past so far that knowing my own mind and mental robustness to be weaker than the average person, that CTB was my ultimate fate.

After all, if you are frequently exposed to your own inner weaknesses through out your life then you would grow up believing that you would one day gain the courage or that moment of strength needed to end it, right ?

Well, it turns out for me that I might have a different problem altogether. While I am still too weak to struggle day to day for my own survival in this world, I actually feel I am too weak to CTB as well.

I just can't bring myself to CTB. It's not like I have any great spiritual or mental realization that tells me to not do it, it's just biological hardwiring. I just can't bring myself to kill myself...yet.

The only method really accessible to me is hanging but that is also extremely difficult for me to go through with it. I really don't have any other method.

I wish that I could escape this life where I have not been able to become a mentally robust person once and for all, but life is so cruel as to deny me even the biological impulse to CTB.

 

[Ghost2211]

hanging can be something you can gain pleasure from if you practice with it and play around with it without the intent to die. Associating pleasure from hypoxia might help you with survival instinct issues.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

After all, if you are frequently exposed to your own inner weaknesses through out your life then you would grow up believing that you would one day gain the courage or that moment of strength needed to end it, right ?

No matter what popular culture says, ending your own life is no easy fit and takes a great amount of courage and effort. It is not surprising at all that you find yourself struggling with this, unable to bring yourself to do it. Especially when the only method you have available is not the kind of peaceful method where you just ingest or breathe a chemical solution and then wait peacefully for it to do it's thing. Hanging is scary.
I'm sorry you're in a place where you have to struggle with this decision. I hope things work out for you, one way or the other.