Venting Too tired to even type

[ShadowedChaos]

This won't be a long one like a lot of my others I've lately just been screaming out in the void letting my thoughts or insecurities or just idk everything out. I feel my time is coming soon, I'm ready to find peace. There's not much to be said because I don't know I've just been feeling a lot. I have been crying myself to sleep and sleeping the days away as much as I can. I wish there was cure to my mental torment. My life is really crazy and I'm not sure what to do anymore, who to trust, who to talk to, and even who I am. I did some trauma therapy today I realized that I'm damaged not in a fixable way. Too know whats gonna be said before its said and hear the exact words I've heard a million times it just gets exhausting. I really do try to get help I have through all my years of treatments, psych ward stays, hospitalizations, residentials, and even now by choice. I've been thinking of taking all the pills I got its quite a substantial amount and from everything I've read and researched it should be deadly. I know it's inconsistent but even a chance at relief from this pain from this torture from having to endure everything and being tested and pushed to my limits I'd rather take it I'd rather be free. I don't know how genuinely people would react to my deaht I dont wanna say the normal stuff like people wont care or that itll hurt people because I dont know. I don't even know all the lives I've touched I don't know who would feel that pain when I'm gone. I hope no one blames their self. It was the world's mistake, maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I was meant to die all those years ago and now I'm living on borrowed time that's what this feels like. Why is everything so dark around me right now I legitimately could go and at least get to a good spot but I no longer see the purpose almost everyone I love or loved is gone whether they're dead or not. I feel like I'm getting dragged around by life not just going through the motions going through the waves being forced to carry on. I wish I could disappear start a new life find somewhere fresh with someone or people I care about live a different life then I have lived. I know one day I'll be a memory I just really fucking hope I'm a good one...

P.S. Something I drew a long time ago I guess I never got a good picture of it. Maybe I'll redraw it here someday actually make it look good