Houkki6404
しう。
- Oct 10, 2023
- 44
I've been dealing with these thought since i was 11, at that time i had just discovered that i liked women and i actually "dated" a girl in middle school, nothing much, just holding hands ya know? The thing is my mom has a terrible habit of invading other privacy sooo she go my phone and started reading our conversations, she said to me horrible things, so horrible that i don't quite remember what she said. The thing i remember is her saying that i was try to kill my father because of that and her telling me to tell god "i'm sorry for 'thinking' i like girls" and when i said "i'm sorry for liking girls, god" she slapped me and told me to repeat it right. She made me change schools and i'm dealing with this trauma since then, even now i don't quite use my phone to talk with my buddies 'cause i'm afraid she'll get again. She tells me horrible things 'till now, about the clothes i wear mostly, how i look too "macho" while using overalls and such, asking me what did she do wrong in teaching me how to be a woman and things like that. I just can't handle this anymore ya know? I do have friends that support me but i can't be completely honest with them 'cause i don't wanna hurt my buddies :(
Plus that i've had the habit of hurting myself since that age too, since i believe all that has happened is fucking my fault 'cause had i not dated her, had i refused to make out with that girl on the bathroom (this is another story, in a nutshell, a girl that i had never really talked to before invites me to make out with her, i don't really know how to say no and she fucking gives me 2 hickeys) this wouldn't be happening to me. I hurt myself as a way to punish me, as it takes away a little bit of the guilt of being a dissapointment to everyone i know. The thing is, i'm too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, i'm quite afraid of blood actually, so i end up just scratching myself most of the time.
I just don't want to feel this guilt anymore, i just wanted to not have to deal with fucking homophobes everywhere that i go, even when i'm not fucking dating anyone 'cause wouldn't want to hurt a partner of mine.
I just want this madness to end
I'm so tired of this you know?
I came to this forum so i could find a community that would help me through these hard times and if i really can't find another way, yeah, you guys could help me to find a realiable way to ctb, wouldn't you?
Plus that i've had the habit of hurting myself since that age too, since i believe all that has happened is fucking my fault 'cause had i not dated her, had i refused to make out with that girl on the bathroom (this is another story, in a nutshell, a girl that i had never really talked to before invites me to make out with her, i don't really know how to say no and she fucking gives me 2 hickeys) this wouldn't be happening to me. I hurt myself as a way to punish me, as it takes away a little bit of the guilt of being a dissapointment to everyone i know. The thing is, i'm too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, i'm quite afraid of blood actually, so i end up just scratching myself most of the time.
I just don't want to feel this guilt anymore, i just wanted to not have to deal with fucking homophobes everywhere that i go, even when i'm not fucking dating anyone 'cause wouldn't want to hurt a partner of mine.
I just want this madness to end
I'm so tired of this you know?
I came to this forum so i could find a community that would help me through these hard times and if i really can't find another way, yeah, you guys could help me to find a realiable way to ctb, wouldn't you?
