Venting Too soon?

[puppet_nihilist]

I don't mean for the title to sound hesitant, I am going to CTB about two weeks from now and I am not particularly hesitant about that. The effect I intended for my title to have is to convey my feelings of regret and guilt of having lived a short, pathetic life with a lot of expectations thwarted by my idiocy and lack of responsibility and discipline.

Some day last week, I was sitting in front of my laptop while it was shutting down when I felt immense guilt fill my chest, I literally went "the only actual redemption would've been if I have never even been born at all." But, it was extremely clear to me, like very crystal clear, that not having existed in the first place would've been my only true redemption/salvation. I am really nihilistic these days sadly, not by choice, but by temperament.

Here's a peculiar thing though, what was really different this time around, when I wished that I was never born in that seemingly edgy manner, is that I didn't say it in my usual passively suicidal tone. This time, I truly and deeply believed that it was the only redemption. What feels profoundly messed up this time around when I wished I wasn't born, is that I surmised that not even suicide can come close to giving me salvation. Not even suicide can negate the harm done or give me peace, it can give me some eternal quiet, but the pathetic legacy I will leave behind is immortal. I would be a fool to think that my life ends with my suicide, this failed experiment will forever keep rotting and my existence has already been etched into this hellhole the day I was conceived. Suicide is nice though, I wouldn't be aware of all this bs, but right now, contemplating my due date, it's agonizing having to be aware of this burden.

I need some tiny reassurance regarding my nearing suicide, I hope I can successfully hang myself. I just feel so bound to life every time I attempt suicide or practice it, life feels so annoyingly sticky and I can't easily get it off of me. Suicide will never solve any problem, it isn't a severe enough punishment for my failure to adapt to covid's shitty consequences, I will die without repaying my family the debt of having raised me and supported me till now (I am 19 in uni just for some perspective). How do I cope with this extreme guilt, this guilt of deserting my family and embracing death, this guilt of having achieved nothing, of having lived for selfish, temporary desires, of having lacked any sense of duty during the last shitty three months? Why can't I find solace in suicide like I used to more than a year ago? Why does my existence feel so tragic and so impossibly irredeemable? Finally, a side question, how do usernames get striked out in this forum? Have the people with strikes on their names committed suicide already? I am just new so I've been wondering, I also want to know how I would get a strike on my name once I successfully CTB lol. I have been a longtime lurker, glad to meet you all, and glad this site exists. It has helped immensely.

 

[S like suicide]

Hello,nice to meet you:) I fit perfectly with the first part you wrote.Suicide is not enough for me, I too would like to be able to cancel my existence, which I consider "A VERY SERIOUS MISTAKE". My life was wrong from the first moment I was conceived.unfortunately it can not be done ... but I can make this all end. I lived twenty-seven years of pathetic life, very painful and meaningless. And I don't want to go on because it is already painful enough to have lived so much in this way.I fully agree with what you wrote:"I just feel so bound to life every time I attempt suicide or practice it, life feels so annoyingly sticky and I can't easily get it off of me."It makes me angry that life does not want to give up on me ... so many people manage to kill themselves almost easily and I have failed even in this.About your situation ... I'm so sorry if I write this to you ... but reading this I have a feeling that you should give yourself a second chance.you talk about a sense of guilt, regrets, failure, lack of goals achieved etc ...you say you no longer find solace in the idea of suicide, but this is because I think your time has not yet come.Are you 19, are you really sure that there is nothing more you can do? What if you give yourself another 10 years to achieve the goals you want to achieve and start doing what you really want and make sense of? I'm sorry if I wrote you these things, this is probably not what you want to read. but I felt the need to write it to you.as for your curiosities, they are the same ones that I am wondering too :)

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate to how you feel. This life certainly is cruel to us. I also wish I was never born. If that happened I wouldn't have to suffer for the sake of it as I believe that life is meaningless in the first place. Nobody asked to be alive anyway.
It actually is really hard to die and because of that I feel trapped in this earth, I know how you feel. I know that suicide can cause pain to others and your legacy cannot be erased. I would love to completely disappear, but I guess I've made peace with it as I tell myself there is nothing afterwards. I won't be able to feel anything anymore and I wont be aware as death is the end of consciousness. I understand how the thought of doing the act can cause all these emotions. I wish you the best.
I think people get their names crossed out when they deactivate/self ban their accounts.

 

[WornOutLife]

Glad to have met you too.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace.

Sorry life has been so unfair to you.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Hello,nice to meet you:) I fit perfectly with the first part you wrote.Suicide is not enough for me, I too would like to be able to cancel my existence, which I consider "A VERY SERIOUS MISTAKE". My life was wrong from the first moment I was conceived.unfortunately it can not be done ... but I can make this all end. I lived twenty-seven years of pathetic life, very painful and meaningless. And I don't want to go on because it is already painful enough to have lived so much in this way.I fully agree with what you wrote:"I just feel so bound to life every time I attempt suicide or practice it, life feels so annoyingly sticky and I can't easily get it off of me."It makes me angry that life does not want to give up on me ... so many people manage to kill themselves almost easily and I have failed even in this.About your situation ... I'm so sorry if I write this to you ... but reading this I have a feeling that you should give yourself a second chance.you talk about a sense of guilt, regrets, failure, lack of goals achieved etc ...you say you no longer find solace in the idea of suicide, but this is because I think your time has not yet come.Are you 19, are you really sure that there is nothing more you can do? What if you give yourself another 10 years to achieve the goals you want to achieve and start doing what you really want and make sense of? I'm sorry if I wrote you these things, this is probably not what you want to read. but I felt the need to write it to you.as for your curiosities, they are the same ones that I am wondering too :)

Thanks for the kind words and understanding of how I feel. Also thanks for trying to help, but it's too late in the game for me to change my mind. Thanks though, I appreciate the support! I hope you can cope with these intense emotions yourself.

I can relate to how you feel. This life certainly is cruel to us. I also wish I was never born. If that happened I wouldn't have to suffer for the sake of it as I believe that life is meaningless in the first place. Nobody asked to be alive anyway.
It actually is really hard to die and because of that I feel trapped in this earth, I know how you feel. I know that suicide can cause pain to others and your legacy cannot be erased. I would love to completely disappear, but I guess I've made peace with it as I tell myself there is nothing afterwards. I won't be able to feel anything anymore and I wont be aware as death is the end of consciousness. I understand how the thought of doing the act can cause all these emotions. I wish you the best.
I think people get their names crossed out when they deactivate/self ban their accounts.

In a strange way, I want to thank you for relating, knowing I'm not alone in experiencing these intense emotions is reassuring so thank you. And thanks for explaining how users get strikes on their names.