Venting Too much stress

[Hellokitty3333]

I just got a new job, I start tomorrow and am so scared. I hate starting new things, and if everyone hates me, they should hate me. I will be working 7 days a week, 62 hours a week. Also, I am a full-time student online, 16 hours. I will have no time for anything but working and sleeping. I want to start self-harming so badly now. I have been picking and tweezing to relax but I start bleeding sometimes and it makes me want to do it more. I do not want to do anything at all. I also have to still pick my sister up from school essentially. I hate myself so much and I think I do this to myself so I can't have time to be depressed and mope. But it all makes me want to kill myself more than ever. I don't even have real support. My bf doesn't feel like talking lately and I feel so terrible about myself. I want to starve myself to look better. I always imagine how much he would want me if I could limit my eating to twice a week. How much prettier I would be if I just looked exactly like a little doll. I care so much about everything about how I look, I hate it. I hate myself so much I hate looking in the mirror and looking at how fat I am because I eat. Maybe I won't have time to eat and I will be very happy about that. Anorexia is something that will never leave my brain and how I love to feel hungry. I have such a hate-love relationship with eating. I struggle with binging too, where I just eat anything and everything till I am so full I will burst. It feels better than starving but also starving makes me feel so powerful and like I can do anything if I don't eat. I ramble so much, I am sorry I just can't tell anyone how much I am stressing and worrying that I cry every time I am alone.

 

[uniqueusername39]

I am so sorry. This probably won't help, but I would just like to tell you that my partner is overweight, and I still love him so so much. It's not how they look like, I promise you. It's the person.

(I do encourage him to exercise with me and limit his calorie intake, but only because I don't want him to be gone prematurely and acquire obesity-related illnesses, and NOT because I hate him for his weight. If only he could keep his size and still be healthy, I would be content with that--big warm safe hugs are fun.)

 

[Citruscine]

Sorry that you're going through so much right now. If you ever need to talk to someone, you can pm me!

 

[uniqueusername39]

And good luck with your new job and school! Doing both of those is NOT fun I know, but sometimes we have no choice as long as we keep rising for the next day. :P I'm personally just faking it until it's over (either my life or school, or job. I too am working and studying full time.) Some days it's so hard to get up, and some nights are full of crying.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really tiring and stressful what you have to go through, there could certainly never be any peace from suffering as long as one exists here in this world. But anyway I wish you the best.