Now that I have my method, a million things, emotions are going through my mind. I can't take my pain anymore, it's unbearable like i said in previous post im scared of the actual act of dying so first thing is to be able to overcome that but most importantly is the suffering I'll put my loved ones through.
I made a suicide pact with my sister who is in chronic physical pain and as a result of that, emotional pain as well.
My issue now is that although we agreed to go together, sometimes by the things she says I feel that she not ready…
She's thinking of this more as if we need it in the future we'll have it, as if saying it's there just in case but I can't bear this emotional pain I'm feeling and I don't know how to go about this.
Leaving her is not an option. Of course I'm thinking about my mom who's 80 and had sacrificed everything for us, she's been the most amazing mother anyone could ask for, she's 80 years old, omg this is so hard to talk about I'm bawling thinking about the pain she will feel, absolute torture, I don't think she'll survive it, I'm sure upon hearing the news she would have a heart attack. I don't want her to go through that after everything she's done for us, this would be like an ultimate slap in the face.
I don't know why but it's my sister that I would never be able to leave behind, we have a very special bond, we have been through everything together, the good and the bad, some traumatic experiences
As well. When I imagine the pain she would feel upon hearing the news that I'm gone, is unbearable, just thinking about one second of the pain she would feel is too much for words. I would not be able to withstand that pain and vice versa.
I have two younger siblings but I think it would be a bit easier on them, meaning that eventually they would possibly be able to live their lives, with constant pain of course but would survive it.
If my sister was ready, which I don't think she is, but if she was ready, another issue is my mother having to loose not one but both of her kids, the pain would be unimaginable, how can we do that to her?
Anyway back to my sister, I have no idea how to go about this, I can bear my pain any longer but I can't leave her either. It's an extremely complicated situation.
I'm so angry at the universe, I don't get why we have to be put through agony and it's especially the good people that suffer most it's not fair, it's just cruel.
I used to believe in god but not anymore and if he does exist I'm sorry to say this but he must be a sadist.
I'm sorry for the rant and being all over the place, it's just that my pain isn't allowing me to think clearly and there's too much emotion in me right now that I'm just rambling.
I made a suicide pact with my sister who is in chronic physical pain and as a result of that, emotional pain as well.
My issue now is that although we agreed to go together, sometimes by the things she says I feel that she not ready…
She's thinking of this more as if we need it in the future we'll have it, as if saying it's there just in case but I can't bear this emotional pain I'm feeling and I don't know how to go about this.
Leaving her is not an option. Of course I'm thinking about my mom who's 80 and had sacrificed everything for us, she's been the most amazing mother anyone could ask for, she's 80 years old, omg this is so hard to talk about I'm bawling thinking about the pain she will feel, absolute torture, I don't think she'll survive it, I'm sure upon hearing the news she would have a heart attack. I don't want her to go through that after everything she's done for us, this would be like an ultimate slap in the face.
I don't know why but it's my sister that I would never be able to leave behind, we have a very special bond, we have been through everything together, the good and the bad, some traumatic experiences
As well. When I imagine the pain she would feel upon hearing the news that I'm gone, is unbearable, just thinking about one second of the pain she would feel is too much for words. I would not be able to withstand that pain and vice versa.
I have two younger siblings but I think it would be a bit easier on them, meaning that eventually they would possibly be able to live their lives, with constant pain of course but would survive it.
If my sister was ready, which I don't think she is, but if she was ready, another issue is my mother having to loose not one but both of her kids, the pain would be unimaginable, how can we do that to her?
Anyway back to my sister, I have no idea how to go about this, I can bear my pain any longer but I can't leave her either. It's an extremely complicated situation.
I'm so angry at the universe, I don't get why we have to be put through agony and it's especially the good people that suffer most it's not fair, it's just cruel.
I used to believe in god but not anymore and if he does exist I'm sorry to say this but he must be a sadist.
I'm sorry for the rant and being all over the place, it's just that my pain isn't allowing me to think clearly and there's too much emotion in me right now that I'm just rambling.
