Venting Too lonely

[BringMeToLife]

It's just sad how I can't keep anyone around. I fuck everything up when things are going great and I end up spending the days, the evenings alone. Only bad people stay around me, only the people who want to use me enjoy

my company. It sucks, it sucks to always be the last option, it sucks to always feel like you are not enough and that you should change to meet people's expectations and to become the best friend for them. I don't know who I am anymore. Do my personalities change somehow dfuring the day or do I change them depending on who I'm talking with, I don't know. Sometimes I'm this, sometimes I'm that, what does it depend on? I don't know what is going on anymore. Even my gender identity changes like sometimes she, sometimes he, sometimes whatever, what is goin on? What does make me feel this way and not the other? I want to know, I don't know what's going on and I'm lost. What is happening?

I haven't had good friends in a while. I've had a friend a couple of months ago, for two months, but we fell apart. I have a wonderful boyfriend who always listens to me, but my mind is too much. He knows how suicidal I am and got kind of used to it, but he still ends up hurt whenever I start death related topics. He is just one person, the person closest to me, I can't dump everything on him, I need a friend with whom I could talk about the saddest and most disturbing thoughts. I need a friend as broken as me, as "insane" and "toxic" as me, as suicidal as me, somebody as fascinated with everything the "wrong" things as I am. If there is anyone (girls or non-binary people) who would like chat, on discord preferably, please message me, I'm starving for social interactions right now.
I don't know what this post was supposed to be anymore, "Who want's to be friends type 1 2 3" type of thing.

The cats are for comfort.

 

[anaokino_]

we could become friends even tough i can't promise that i can socialise well

 

[BringMeToLife]

kornstarch00 on discord

Sent you a friend request

 

[desperate_angel]

I need a friend as broken as me, as "insane" and "toxic" as me, as suicidal as me, somebody as fascinated with everything the "wrong" things as I am.

i wish i could find someone like this, but i most likely will ctb soon, i just wish there was anyone who romanticized suicide and self harm like me, no one fucking accepts me, it's so tiring to live in this world when people just perceive me as weird for thinking self harming in the name of love for your partner is romantic. i know it isnt the norm, but it's just wholesome in a sense, i dont care about the majority doing it or not, i just find it cute ffs. i am lonely too, me being suicidal is making my gf depressed too, but honestly, she is 90% why i am going to ctb.

 

[BringMeToLife]

i wish i could find someone like this, but i most likely will ctb soon, i just wish there was anyone who romanticized suicide and self harm like me, no one fucking accepts me, it's so tiring to live in this world when people just perceive me as weird for thinking self harming in the name of love for your partner is romantic. i know it isnt the norm, but it's just wholesome in a sense, i dont care about the majority doing it or not, i just find it cute ffs. i am lonely too, me being suicidal is making my gf depressed too, but honestly, she is 90% why i am going to ctb.

Oh, where were you when I needed a sh buddy :'-) Sadly I'm forbidden from self harming by my love, but I would be so happy to wear his name, his initials, to be cut and scarred by him... The act of harming yourself is very romantic and if you do it for other people... <3 I wish you safe travels, I hope your girlfriend will be alright. I'm alive only because of my boyfriend and will be for as long as he's with me. I can't imagine ctb while i'm in good relations with him, it would destroy him.

 

[desperate_angel]

Oh, where were you when I needed a sh buddy :'-) Sadly I'm forbidden from self harming by my love, but I would be so happy to wear his name, his initials, to be cut and scarred by him... The act of harming yourself is very romantic and if you do it for other people... <3 I wish you safe travels, I hope your girlfriend will be alright. I'm alive only because of my boyfriend and will be for as long as he's with me. I can't imagine ctb while i'm in good relations with him, it would destroy him.

i am really happy for you, friend, i wish you be together forever <3
exactly, it would be very wholesome to just have her first letter or her name on my thigh or arm, it's only romantic to cut myself for her or vice versa, it's an act of commitment and trust, it's just beautiful
i did live for her only too, but honestly she is pushing me so hard to do it with a shit ton of insensitive behavior coming from her, i am so broken..
she'd tell me i shouldnt live for her and that she is feeling forced to stay with me if i am living for her, does that make sense to you by any chance? i honestly dont get it, if she truly loves me then why is she feeling forced that i am living as long as she is by my side..?

 

[BringMeToLife]

i am really happy for you, friend, i wish you be together forever <3
exactly, it would be very wholesome to just have her first letter or her name on my thigh or arm, it's only romantic to cut myself for her or vice versa, it's an act of commitment and trust, it's just beautiful
i did live for her only too, but honestly she is pushing me so hard to do it with a shit ton of insensitive behavior coming from her, i am so broken..
she'd tell me i shouldnt live for her and that she is feeling forced to stay with me if i am living for her, does that make sense to you by any chance? i honestly dont get it, if she truly loves me then why is she feeling forced that i am living as long as she is by my side..?

Thank you so much <3

Oh, that feels wrong. She really shouldn't feel like that. To me she should be finding it sweet how devoted you are and love you even more for that. Your life is in her hands basically, which can be stressful at times for her, but it also means that she knows you won't leave her. Have you talked to her about it? Does she want to be with you?

 

[desperate_angel]

Thank you so much <3

Oh, that feels wrong. She really shouldn't feel like that. To me she should be finding it sweet how devoted you are and love you even more for that. Your life is in her hands basically, which can be stressful at times for her, but it also means that she knows you won't leave her. Have you talked to her about it? Does she want to be with you?

she does want to be with me, there are many signs on that, but she keeps snapping and ruining everything, she has serious issues i just dont know anymore
i did tell her it's just an act of commitment and love, if you already love me and stuff then you are staying anyways? it's just she is an extremely negative person she never looks at stuff positively, she doesn't see that it's just a sign of me loving her THIS much or obsessed with her with her bad and good traits combined, i love her for HER the person, i love her being, but she doesn't understand
we didnt even do anything but i was expressing my fascination of the idea a very long time ago and i just knew yesterday that she was insanely uncomfy when i told her about it..
how can i just convince her about the sh thing
i know it can be stressful too yeah to know that i am living for her solely, but she should look at the positive side as you said you know?

 

[BringMeToLife]

she does want to be with me, there are many signs on that, but she keeps snapping and ruining everything, she has serious issues i just dont know anymore
i did tell her it's just an act of commitment and love, if you already love me and stuff then you are staying anyways? it's just she is an extremely negative person she never looks at stuff positively, she doesn't see that it's just a sign of me loving her THIS much or obsessed with her with her bad and good traits combined, i love her for HER the person, i love her being, but she doesn't understand
we didnt even do anything but i was expressing my fascination of the idea a very long time ago and i just knew yesterday that she was insanely uncomfy when i told her about it..
how can i just convince her about the sh thing
i know it can be stressful too yeah to know that i am living for her solely, but she should look at the positive side as you said you know?

I think you should leave her be with the sh topic. It is strange to other people and can repulse them. I wish she could reciprocate your fascination, passion, maybe? but it is what it is, people generally aren't comfortable with such things.

 

[Valhala]

Sometimes CTB is the only way to show someone how much you love them and that this person really represents someone you can't imagine life without. It's romantic and I completely understand you.