Help too cruel

[okkkk]

Fear is a malignant tumor on me. It has always been handicapping my quality of life. Im talking about a chronic fear. A sinking heavy pit of dispair. I wont bother cleaning this up for the internet, because this is a suicide forum and not a popularity contest.

I havent been able to connect with another person for years now. I was completley alone in highschool. And I guess I never recovered. It really makes me upset. Genuinley. When I look at the decline and all the time its been it just makes me break down. Humans truly arent designed to be alone for this long. I dont know if the isolation caused this but now when I meet someone it always goes poorly and leaves me questioning why i bother pushing against this. Its such a strange and embarassing issue.

With zero support at home my life is just a crater, and there I am burned up in the center. I wake up and only do the required shit i need to in order to be allowed to fall asleep again. And even when I do. Everything that lead me to this mortifying existance plays back with stunning clarity. This makes me want to squeeze my neck until my eyes pop out. To be someone with such vivd aspirations for the future. And to have such an embarassing and lonley life just fucking kills me. I have no other purpose but to make things, thats all Ive ever wanted to do and we are on earth for such a short amount of time, theres no way im leaving with out making something large that everyone sees. Creative pursuits are emotionally and socially dangerous. You put a part of yourself on display for people to ridicule and you have to be okay with that. But its also a thing one rarley does compleley on their own. and right now with whatever parasite is eating away at my brain, I will never get to that level. Again. The attacks of fear become so bad that I usually cant speak naturally and sweat profuseley.
It is such an ironic and cruel existance. To want nothing but to connect and create but be damned to isolation by my own shattered mind. I dont think anyone would blame me for just wanting this to be over. The existential pain is unbearable. It hurts so fucking much and I cant stand it at all. I just cant stand it. Its so embarassing but looking back at my pathetic existance makes me completley break down with ugly shameful tears. I wanted more than this. I know I am meant for more than this. I dont want to die. But I absolutley refuse to live shaking and alone and afraid. Its too cruel.

 

[JoeFailure]

I don't blame you. For me it's regret, shame, fear, anxiety, all the time. Nonstop.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

So sorry for your pain. I hope you can find some peace

 

[Dead beat dad]

Fear is a malignant tumor on me. It has always been handicapping my quality of life. Im talking about a chronic fear. A sinking heavy pit of dispair. I wont bother cleaning this up for the internet, because this is a suicide forum and not a popularity contest.

I havent been able to connect with another person for years now. I was completley alone in highschool. And I guess I never recovered. It really makes me upset. Genuinley. When I look at the decline and all the time its been it just makes me break down. Humans truly arent designed to be alone for this long. I dont know if the isolation caused this but now when I meet someone it always goes poorly and leaves me questioning why i bother pushing against this. Its such a strange and embarassing issue.

With zero support at home my life is just a crater, and there I am burned up in the center. I wake up and only do the required shit i need to in order to be allowed to fall asleep again. And even when I do. Everything that lead me to this mortifying existance plays back with stunning clarity. This makes me want to squeeze my neck until my eyes pop out. To be someone with such vivd aspirations for the future. And to have such an embarassing and lonley life just fucking kills me. I have no other purpose but to make things, thats all Ive ever wanted to do and we are on earth for such a short amount of time, theres no way im leaving with out making something large that everyone sees. Creative pursuits are emotionally and socially dangerous. You put a part of yourself on display for people to ridicule and you have to be okay with that. But its also a thing one rarley does compleley on their own. and right now with whatever parasite is eating away at my brain, I will never get to that level. Again. The attacks of fear become so bad that I usually cant speak naturally and sweat profuseley.
It is such an ironic and cruel existance. To want nothing but to connect and create but be damned to isolation by my own shattered mind. I dont think anyone would blame me for just wanting this to be over. The existential pain is unbearable. It hurts so fucking much and I cant stand it at all. I just cant stand it. Its so embarassing but looking back at my pathetic existance makes me completley break down with ugly shameful tears. I wanted more than this. I know I am meant for more than this. I dont want to die. But I absolutley refuse to live shaking and alone and afraid. Its too cruel.

I hope you feel a bit better for venting your spleen brother. There is no judgement here, and I have no doubt that there are people here who share at least something of this feeling and can be a listener if you want to reach out.
The world is a cruel and unkind place, you'll get no arguement from me, I sincerely hope you can fight some light in this darkness brother.
DBD

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Have you come across a book called 'The body keeps the score ' ?

The Body Keeps The Score

besselvanderkolk.net

I've listened to it , and it helped a bit with my anxiety to see my reddening and heart beating and all that body stuff and where it might be coming from.

I have avoided art and performance , due partly to shyness and social fear.

It sucks.

 

[Asta]

I don't live in a place that has a Veterans' hospital, a homeless shelter or even a nursing home that I can visit. I've wanted to die because I felt so useless, but finding this site has made a difference. Has anyone thought about visiting those who are a lot worse off than we are? Just a simple greeting, a handshake or hug would let poor, lonely, disabled people know someone cares about them and that could make a big difference in their lives and maybe in ours? At least I can pet the dogs and cats in the animal shelter, and that's better than doing nothing.

 

[Subhuman]

I feel you. Abject loneliness is ultimately what makes me want to die. I have a myriad of other reasons, but the loneliness is what makes my life unbearable and not worth it.

I have social anxiety, so I can't connect with others irl. The only friends I've ever had I met online. And I didn't even have any until I was about 18. That's when I started joining forums like this one and at first I had terrible anxiety even about posting. I managed to forge a few genuine (online) friendships throughout the years, but except for one they all faded away for one reason or the other.

It is such an ironic and cruel existance. To want nothing but to connect and create but be damned to isolation by my own shattered mind. I dont think anyone would blame me for just wanting this to be over. The existential pain is unbearable. It hurts so fucking much and I cant stand it at all. I just cant stand it. Its so embarassing but looking back at my pathetic existance makes me completley break down with ugly shameful tears. I wanted more than this. I know I am meant for more than this. I dont want to die. But I absolutley refuse to live shaking and alone and afraid. Its too cruel.

I relate to this paragraph in particular. It's the exact same for me. I look back and seeing how miserably I failed at literally every single thing I ever set out to accomplish makes me feel so profoundly ashamed of myself. Realizing that I did my best and it was never enough is just not something I can live with. I've been alive for this long and I'm still completely alone, which is the single thing I hate the most about my life... It doesn't get more pathetic than that. And I can't live like this. Like you said, it's unnatural and cruel.

I guess this isn't a very helpful post lol. Just know that there are others who are going through the same thing and know how you feel.

 

[okkkk]

Have you come across a book called 'The body keeps the score ' ?

The Body Keeps The Score

besselvanderkolk.net

I've listened to it , and it helped a bit with my anxiety to see my reddening and heart beating and all that body stuff and where it might be coming from.

I have avoided art and performance , due partly to shyness and social fear.

It sucks.

Just downloaded this, ill check it out. I appreciate you reading this and responding a lot.

 

[Ruffian]

There's nothing to be ashamed about. People can get into heated debates and jab at each other, but no one's here because they were on top of their game, remember that and try not to take it personally. We're glad your hear. Chronic fear is awful, and it makes it impossible to be able to evaluate rejection objectively along with what kind of person rejected you. That's important too. If you're afraid, you end up blaming yourself. I'm not going to trivialize your feelings, but this is a pro-choice forum, so see if you can weigh your options first. It's not a requirement here though.

 

[okkkk]

I feel you. Abject loneliness is ultimately what makes me want to die. I have a myriad of other reasons, but the loneliness is what makes my life unbearable and not worth it.

I have social anxiety, so I can't connect with others irl. The only friends I've ever had I met online. And I didn't even have any until I was about 18. That's when I started joining forums like this one and at first I had terrible anxiety even about posting. I managed to forge a few genuine (online) friendships throughout the years, but except for one they all faded away for one reason or the other.


I relate to this paragraph in particular. It's the exact same for me. I look back and seeing how miserably I failed at literally every single thing I ever set out to accomplish makes me feel so profoundly ashamed of myself. Realizing that I did my best and it was never enough is just not something I can live with. I've been alive for this long and I'm still completely alone, which is the single thing I hate the most about my life... It doesn't get more pathetic than that. And I can't live like this. Like you said, it's unnatural and cruel.

I guess this isn't a very helpful post lol. Just know that there are others who are going through the same thing and know how you feel.

Im glad that someone out there really understands the stinging pain of having so many regrets. Its a wound thats constantly being picked at. When I think about how short life is and then think about all the time I wasted curled up in a ball with my arms over my head shaking in fear. It just crushes me. But I disagree with you on one thing. If I tried and failed at something then I refuse to believe that that was my best. Maybe just arrogance idk. I must have some kind of disorder because the rush of adrenaline i feel everyday when Im constantly panicking feels otherworldly. Id like to talk more with you and anyone else in this thread if you want. Im on discord: tarbaby#2334

 

[Subhuman]

Im glad that someone out there really understands the stinging pain of having so many regrets. Its a wound thats constantly being picked at. When I think about how short life is and then think about all the time I wasted curled up in a ball with my arms over my head shaking in fear. It just crushes me. But I disagree with you on one thing. If I tried and failed at something then I refuse to believe that that was my best. Maybe just arrogance idk. I must have some kind of disorder because the rush of adrenaline i feel everyday when Im constantly panicking feels otherworldly. Id like to talk more with you and anyone else in this thread if you want. Im on discord: tarbaby#2334

Oh yeah, for sure. I was just talking about my own efforts. I know there's nothing more I could have done, I know I'm not capable of doing better. I'm sure if you managed to get past your fear or whatever else is holding you back you could achieve anything you set your mind to. I don't have discord but you can pm me any time. I'm not just saying it, really I'm here for you and anybody else if you want to talk with someone who gets it :)

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I must have some kind of disorder because the rush of adrenaline i feel everyday when Im constantly panicking feels otherworldly.

I read Moby's latest autobiography and he says he had / has something like 'peak panic attack '
or 'constant panic attack syndrome' or something like that towards the end of the book .

I could really relate ( he self medicated with alcohol and I did too for thirty years .)

It might be a 'thing ' yoiu can get help with , or at least start to model it in your mind ( as you are doing writing these posts ... ) to maybe get a bit of control over it ?

I don't know ... all the best !

edit to add : permanent panic attack , I think was the term .