H
helllcreator
Member
- Aug 5, 2023
- 44
After months and months of delaying tactics and a failed CO attempt tonight is the night, hopefully this time goes better.
Method:- Barium Carbonate
Mixing approx 100g of BC with likely a milkshake and drinking with a straw so I can take it towards the back of my throat and hopefully avoid tasting the saltiness. Got a frijj one as it should be thick enough to hold the BC in suspension as its not super soluable. Chocolate fudge flavour for anyone interested.
No AE taken, Unable to source. I suspect this is a bit of a mistake, in the event I begin throwing up and it becomes obvious the attempt will fail then a fall from height is likely going to follow from a multistory carpark.
Location. West Yorkshire, Bradford.
Suicide notes have been written up for close family and friends, all set to send on a time delay. This was my mistake previously I sent them out right before I was about to get into the car with the burning charcoal and a family member was awake to see the message at 2am...
Reasons, Shortend version.
Im sure a lot of society as well as probably folks on here will likely agree that i should be dead, and for them its fine, short of a miracle i will be soon.
Years ago i was arrested for possesing CP, and ever since then my life has been on a timer i guess. I tried to kill myself back then and sadly failed. I would have done a lot of people a favour if i wasn't such a fuckup and did some research into my method back then i might have used a better more reliable method.
After my attempt and going through the courts etc, i went on a course to manage me and help prevent reoffending. It genuinely did help. Im not the person i once was, ive grown and changed in so many ways, but Im not allowed to move on from my past.
Im not allowed a chance at living my life and being the better person that I have become. Im sick to death of fighting and trying to just make it through another year, month, week, day or hour.
Im not the monster the world thinks i am. I was just a fucked up kid, isolated, depressed and mentally exhausted. I made the fucked up choices and had to deal with the consequences of my actions. But even now a decade later, living through my life having a constant ongoing battle to survive in my head im not allowed to move on with anything. Im not allowed to be a human fucking being.
So i honestly see no point to me being here anymore ive destroyed lives, hurt people, and just been a drain on everyone. So im making that right.
And now with me being due back in court on the 12th for forgetting to re register, I'm done. I see absolutely no point in trying to keep going. It was an honest to God mistake my heads been so fucking fried with depression and spending every day and night trying to make it to the next im just mentally not here anymore I can't remember shit from a few days ago or I forget in the moment these days as well.
I've only really delayed and tried to keep going for my mum and dad as I know this is gonna hurt them so much and I hope they know how sorry I am about it all.
I have just taken 3 amitriptyline to try and hopefully help with a little of the pain that might come. Gonna give it a little time to kick in now.
Method:- Barium Carbonate
Mixing approx 100g of BC with likely a milkshake and drinking with a straw so I can take it towards the back of my throat and hopefully avoid tasting the saltiness. Got a frijj one as it should be thick enough to hold the BC in suspension as its not super soluable. Chocolate fudge flavour for anyone interested.
No AE taken, Unable to source. I suspect this is a bit of a mistake, in the event I begin throwing up and it becomes obvious the attempt will fail then a fall from height is likely going to follow from a multistory carpark.
Location. West Yorkshire, Bradford.
Suicide notes have been written up for close family and friends, all set to send on a time delay. This was my mistake previously I sent them out right before I was about to get into the car with the burning charcoal and a family member was awake to see the message at 2am...
Reasons, Shortend version.
Im sure a lot of society as well as probably folks on here will likely agree that i should be dead, and for them its fine, short of a miracle i will be soon.
Years ago i was arrested for possesing CP, and ever since then my life has been on a timer i guess. I tried to kill myself back then and sadly failed. I would have done a lot of people a favour if i wasn't such a fuckup and did some research into my method back then i might have used a better more reliable method.
After my attempt and going through the courts etc, i went on a course to manage me and help prevent reoffending. It genuinely did help. Im not the person i once was, ive grown and changed in so many ways, but Im not allowed to move on from my past.
Im not allowed a chance at living my life and being the better person that I have become. Im sick to death of fighting and trying to just make it through another year, month, week, day or hour.
Im not the monster the world thinks i am. I was just a fucked up kid, isolated, depressed and mentally exhausted. I made the fucked up choices and had to deal with the consequences of my actions. But even now a decade later, living through my life having a constant ongoing battle to survive in my head im not allowed to move on with anything. Im not allowed to be a human fucking being.
So i honestly see no point to me being here anymore ive destroyed lives, hurt people, and just been a drain on everyone. So im making that right.
And now with me being due back in court on the 12th for forgetting to re register, I'm done. I see absolutely no point in trying to keep going. It was an honest to God mistake my heads been so fucking fried with depression and spending every day and night trying to make it to the next im just mentally not here anymore I can't remember shit from a few days ago or I forget in the moment these days as well.
I've only really delayed and tried to keep going for my mum and dad as I know this is gonna hurt them so much and I hope they know how sorry I am about it all.
I have just taken 3 amitriptyline to try and hopefully help with a little of the pain that might come. Gonna give it a little time to kick in now.