gizzreid
spence
- Apr 26, 2023
- 140
my partner made me throw away all my SN about a year ago, promising forever. but unbeknownst to them i kept a bit, enough for one go, because i'm not dumb enough to fall for that forever BS. i know myself. no one stays with me forever lol.
well, they left me. not physically left because we still live in a tiny studio together. i can't afford shit on my own, despite 2 jobs i am too autistic to make more. i relied on him. i loved him. now isn't the time to think of the betrayal, like texting his ex and buying him matching dolls days before breaking up with me. i would have to leave my *entire* adult life behind, i moved to his state when i was freshly 18 because he was 2 years younger than me and i wanted to be with him. i'm 21 now. i have nothing back where i am from, i like both my jobs finally and i have a kitten who i would rather die than not be her human.
he has made up his mind. i promised i would not, but i begged him to stay. i should not have. but he's out of this relationship, i saw a look in his eyes i hadn't seen before. almost 4 years. we were so toxic at times but i felt (and still feel) this connection to him that no one in my 21 years of an autistic people could make me feel. so safe. i was too depressed to make him feel that way for quite awhile now. and if he leaves the apartment, he loses his job and as a result his government stipend (he's a foster care kid, gets money from the government monthly). so we are at an impasse, i cannot get over him like this but i can't leave or afford any other life here. he's in a similar yet different boat. i'm gonna do him a favor here because this is mostly my fault, texting his ex or not. two birds one stone, i'm done feeling this way and so is he.
my partner works tonight, more than enough time to CTB. it's weird, i fear death when it's the thought of another doing it to me, but doing it myself feels so secure. i already wrote my note to him but i don't know what to say to anyone else honestly. i feel guilty leaving my many young siblings. my best friend too, who has worked hard to make me feel better but it is just not going to work. the minute i started to like my life, it fell apart. wherever i am going i will be okay though, better maybe.
i need my boyfriend. i love him so much. i can't believe we just saw my favorite band and special interest just weeks ago. i had so much fun. i trusted him no matter how drunk i got lol. god, this fucking sucks. no one knows how much this fucking sucks! and he's so nice to me too, making my bed, buying me shit, smoking with me... i wish he hated me so i could hate him and i could get through this easier. he's my person but i am not his.
well, they left me. not physically left because we still live in a tiny studio together. i can't afford shit on my own, despite 2 jobs i am too autistic to make more. i relied on him. i loved him. now isn't the time to think of the betrayal, like texting his ex and buying him matching dolls days before breaking up with me. i would have to leave my *entire* adult life behind, i moved to his state when i was freshly 18 because he was 2 years younger than me and i wanted to be with him. i'm 21 now. i have nothing back where i am from, i like both my jobs finally and i have a kitten who i would rather die than not be her human.
he has made up his mind. i promised i would not, but i begged him to stay. i should not have. but he's out of this relationship, i saw a look in his eyes i hadn't seen before. almost 4 years. we were so toxic at times but i felt (and still feel) this connection to him that no one in my 21 years of an autistic people could make me feel. so safe. i was too depressed to make him feel that way for quite awhile now. and if he leaves the apartment, he loses his job and as a result his government stipend (he's a foster care kid, gets money from the government monthly). so we are at an impasse, i cannot get over him like this but i can't leave or afford any other life here. he's in a similar yet different boat. i'm gonna do him a favor here because this is mostly my fault, texting his ex or not. two birds one stone, i'm done feeling this way and so is he.
my partner works tonight, more than enough time to CTB. it's weird, i fear death when it's the thought of another doing it to me, but doing it myself feels so secure. i already wrote my note to him but i don't know what to say to anyone else honestly. i feel guilty leaving my many young siblings. my best friend too, who has worked hard to make me feel better but it is just not going to work. the minute i started to like my life, it fell apart. wherever i am going i will be okay though, better maybe.
i need my boyfriend. i love him so much. i can't believe we just saw my favorite band and special interest just weeks ago. i had so much fun. i trusted him no matter how drunk i got lol. god, this fucking sucks. no one knows how much this fucking sucks! and he's so nice to me too, making my bed, buying me shit, smoking with me... i wish he hated me so i could hate him and i could get through this easier. he's my person but i am not his.
