Tonight it was a terrible night.

[Lestat_201]

This evening I've gone to the baptism of the daughter of my cousin, and even if this should be an happy event, I wasn't happy. I've never have fun, I've never felt happy (I thought that maybe my niece will never know me in the future, she is too young to know me for real at the Moment). I go there with another cousin and my aunt and uncle (my parents didn't come), but I felt like to be a burden for everyone, for them, for the rest or my family. Nobody really care about me, they have just mercy on me. I shouldn't ask for help to them when I was desperate. I shouldn't, that was a mistake. Now I'm watching supernatural and I'm happier staying on my own watching this show, than when i was at the party.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

To be fair.. Supernatural is pretty awesome
But I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself and feel like such a burden. You shouldn't have to feel that way, as asking for help is already a tough thing to do with super supportive people.

Have they said out loud they think you're a burden? Or is it you feeling that way?

 

[Lestat_201]

To be fair.. Supernatural is pretty awesome
But I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself and feel like such a burden. You shouldn't have to feel that way, as asking for help is already a tough thing to do with super supportive people.

Have they said out loud they think you're a burden? Or is it you feeling that way?

yes i know, i love Supernatural, i'm a fan of supernatural

To be fair.. Supernatural is pretty awesome
But I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself and feel like such a burden. You shouldn't have to feel that way, as asking for help is already a tough thing to do with super supportive people.

Have they said out loud they think you're a burden? Or is it you feeling that way?

No, i feel in this way, but anyway they could never tell me that i'm a burden in the face. But i can feel the way other ppl feel just by watching their behaviour, is not so complicated to understand if a person is annoyed or the way they feel or what they think. My aunt ask me if i was ok (because of the situation in my house) and she said: "ok... now don't worry about that and just have fun" but i didn't have fun, i didn't enjoyed.
At some point i didn't want to be there with them, at some point i asked to myself: "why am i here? why i came? i preferred to stay at home".
+they treat me as if i was a stupid or (idk) someone who have a mental disability (and this is the only thing i don't want from them) they made me feel stupid.
i shouldn't go, i made a mistake by accepting the invitation.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

yes i know, i love Supernatural, i'm a fan of supernatural

No, i feel in this way, but anyway they could never tell me that i'm a burden in the face. But i can feel the way other ppl feel just by watching their behaviour, is not so complicated to understand if a person is annoyed or the way they feel or what they think. My aunt ask me if i was ok (because of the situation in my house) and she said: "ok... now don't worry about that and just have fun" but i didn't have fun, i didn't enjoyed.
At some point i didn't want to be there with them, at some point i asked to myself: "why am i here? why i came? i preferred to stay at home".
+they treat me as if i was a stupid or (idk) someone who have a mental disability (and this is the only thing i don't want from them) they made me feel stupid.
i shouldn't go, i made a mistake by accepting the invitation.

Yeah. Gotcha.

"is not so complicated to understand if a person is annoyed or the way they feel or what they think"
You'd think so. Yet if someone's mask is good enough people actually have no idea how someone really feels inside..
My therapist has difficulty reading me and she is trained to..

Sometimes people just don't know how to act around depressed people. And say the wrong things while meaning well. Could it be you are reading that discomfort as them being annoyed?
I'd advice you to try have an honest conversation with them about how you feel and what you need from them. If you want them to support you of course!
Its shitty to feel unwanted and like a burden. Sorry you didn't enjoy yourself!

 

[Lestat_201]

Yeah. Gotcha.

"is not so complicated to understand if a person is annoyed or the way they feel or what they think"
You'd think so. Yet if someone's mask is good enough people actually have no idea how someone really feels inside..
My therapist has difficulty reading me and she is trained to..

Sometimes people just don't know how to act around depressed people. And say the wrong things while meaning well. Could it be you are reading that discomfort as them being annoyed?
I'd advice you to try have an honest conversation with them about how you feel and what you need from them. If you want them to support you of course!
Its shitty to feel unwanted and like a burden. Sorry you didn't enjoy yourself!

tbh i really think they don't understand that i'm depressed and what is happening inside of me or what's in my mind. They don't know that i'm thinking to the suicide everyday (again), they don't know that i hurt myself, they don't know how many times i think to kill myself, they don't know anything.
they Just know that i'm not fine, that i'm tired and stressed, i don't think they are really aware of how serious it is the situation. (even if my uncle have been depressed and he goes to therapy himself) i don't think he really understand what is happening to me.
I think the problem is that they think the only problem i have is this situation in my house and with my parents, but is not because of that situation. my cousin (another, who know the situation too) ask me if i was fine, i said "Yes" but i was literally crying.
No i don't think i want to have a conversation with them, because i asked for help but they didn't help me, they are not helping me at all doing this. So at this point i don't want their support.
thank you so much for your words. thank you for this conversation. <3

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

tbh i really think they don't understand that i'm depressed and what is happening inside of me or what's in my mind. They don't know that i'm thinking to the suicide everyday (again), they don't know that i hurt myself, they don't know how many times i think to kill myself, they don't know anything.
they Just know that i'm not fine, that i'm tired and stressed, i don't think they are really aware of how serious it is the situation. (even if my uncle have been depressed and he goes to therapy himself) i don't think he really understand what is happening to me.
I think the problem is that they think the only problem i have is this situation in my house and with my parents, but is not because of that situation. my cousin (another, who know the situation too) ask me if i was fine, i said "Yes" but i was literally crying.
No i don't think i want to have a conversation with them, because i asked for help but they didn't help me, they are not helping me at all doing this. So at this point i don't want their support.
thank you so much for your words. thank you for this conversation. <3

It's up to you to decide you don't want their support! But if they don't know how bad things are, they also might not know how to help you. No guarantee they do if they knew of course.
What about your uncle? As he might be more familiar with it and talking about such things?

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. Thinking about suicide all the time is incredibly draining! I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind..
I go to bed and it's the last thing on my mind.. It's exhausting! I cling to my cats and the hope I will either end things soon or feel a bit better again. Depending on my mood, it's a fine balance

Of course! That's what this forum is for! No one should feel alone.
Happy to chat anytime

 

[Lestat_201]

It's up to you to decide you don't want their support! But if they don't know how bad things are, they also might not know how to help you. No guarantee they do if they knew of course.
What about your uncle? As he might be more familiar with it and talking about such things?

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. Thinking about suicide all the time is incredibly draining! I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind..
I go to bed and it's the last thing on my mind.. It's exhausting! I cling to my cats and the hope I will either end things soon or feel a bit better again. Depending on my mood, it's a fine balance

Of course! That's what this forum is for! No one should feel alone.
Happy to chat anytime

yeah me and my uncle tried to talk about, but we never talked about the suicide or what i feel or i think. we never really talked, he told me that he was/is in the same situation i am, but we never really talked about it (i don't even know if he have been thinking about suicide as i do, but i don't think he ever hurt himself as i do. he never told me if he thought to the suicide). i told him that maybe i need pills to feel better (he told me to don't do it), but i think those are the only things that can make me feel better, or at least this is what i hope.
yeah i feel you... i'm sorry we are in the same shitty situation. <3

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

yeah me and my uncle tried to talk about, but we never talked about the suicide or what i feel or i think. we never really talked, he told me that he was/is in the same situation i am, but we never really talked about it (i don't even know if he have been thinking about suicide as i do, but i don't think he ever hurt himself as i do. he never told me if he thought to the suicide). i told him that maybe i need pills to feel better (he told me to don't do it), but i think those are the only things that can make me feel better, or at least this is what i hope.
yeah i feel you... i'm sorry we are in the same shitty situation. <3

Sounds like it was a slow and difficult conversation..
I can imagine it's not something you easily bring up to someone....
Make sure to keep it as clean as possible, hurting yourself..? I get it helps with the pain..!

Is there anyway to see your doctor or a psychiatrist and talk about meds?
It's not for everyone but especially if you want to try it, you should if you can! Only one way to find out if it helps, and if it could help that would be amazing <3

 

[Lestat_201]

Sounds like it was a slow and difficult conversation..
I can imagine it's not something you easily bring up to someone....
Make sure to keep it as clean as possible, hurting yourself..? I get it helps with the pain..!

Is there anyway to see your doctor or a psychiatrist and talk about meds?
It's not for everyone but especially if you want to try it, you should if you can! Only one way to find out if it helps, and if it could help that would be amazing <3

yes i could, that was my intention but i've never go from the new doctor, so she doesn't know the situation and the previous doctor the only time i asked for meds he didn't want to prescribe me anything (idk why) he did it when i said: "i feel that i really need it", but initially he didn't want to do it (but this happened a long long time ago and the situation it wasn't that serious as it is now. the situation now it's very different from 5/6 years ago.)

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

yes i could, that was my intention but i've never go from the new doctor, so she doesn't know the situation and the previous doctor the only time i asked for meds he didn't want to prescribe me anything (idk why) he did it when i said: "i feel that i really need it", but initially he didn't want to do it (but this happened a long long time ago and the situation it wasn't that serious as it is now. the situation now it's very different from 5/6 years ago.)

See your doctor. Be honest. Don't downplay it. Get a referral to a mental health specialist and give it a go? Not sure how things work in your country. But thats how it works in mine. If you want to give it a real try, you'll need to put in the effort and be honest.
Not trying to discourage you, but it takes effort to feel better. And a lot of honesty towards others and yourself.

There are no guarantees of course. But ctb will always be there. If you're not ready for that, why not try feeling better if you have the opportunity?
At least thats what I'm trying

It's tough and takes a lot of energy. It isn't easy. But you're worth it

 

[Lestat_201]

See your doctor. Be honest. Don't downplay it. Get a referral to a mental health specialist and give it a go? Not sure how things work in your country. But thats how it works in mine. If you want to give it a real try, you'll need to put in the effort and be honest.
Not trying to discourage you, but it takes effort to feel better. And a lot of honesty towards others and yourself.

There are no guarantees of course. But ctb will always be there. If you're not ready for that, why not try feeling better if you have the opportunity?
At least thats what I'm trying

It's tough and takes a lot of energy. It isn't easy. But you're worth it

well... tbh i thought about to do it for real (i mean the suicide), but just because i want to feel better. i want just to do somenthing that make me feel better. whatever can make me stop to suffer like this.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

well... tbh i thought about to do it for real (i mean the suicide), but just because i want to feel better. i want just to do somenthing that make me feel better. whatever can make me stop to suffer like this.

Yeah.. It's hard to see another way out when you feel so cornered right..

And don't get me wrong. I still consider suicide an option as well.
But I also figured I wanted to try and feel better by first trying every other way I find acceptable. That's my personal choice.

But it would be nice if there was something like meds out there that could help you right? To feel better?
What is holding you back of trying it?

 

[Lestat_201]

Yeah.. It's hard to see another way out when you feel so cornered right..

And don't get me wrong. I still consider suicide an option as well.
But I also figured I wanted to try and feel better by first trying every other way I find acceptable. That's my personal choice.

But it would be nice if there was something like meds out there that could help you right? To feel better?
What is holding you back of trying it?

nothing, i will try with meds.

 

[agony1996]

This evening I've gone to the baptism of the daughter of my cousin, and even if this should be an happy event, I wasn't happy. I've never have fun, I've never felt happy (I thought that maybe my niece will never know me in the future, she is too young to know me for real at the Moment). I go there with another cousin and my aunt and uncle (my parents didn't come), but I felt like to be a burden for everyone, for them, for the rest or my family. Nobody really care about me, they have just mercy on me. I shouldn't ask for help to them when I was desperate. I shouldn't, that was a mistake. Now I'm watching supernatural and I'm happier staying on my own watching this show, than when i was at the party.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm super into the supernatural, I love watching shows like a haunting, I thought I was the only one. I hope you find some solace