Venting tomorrow will come soon and i'll still be here

[monetpompo]

it is genuinely hard to shake the thought that if i had any method that i knew would work but doesn't freak me out as much as hanging i would be dead. i would just be dead, without a doubt. it's night time and i could kill myself tonight if i wanted to, and thinking that and saying that tortures me so much. there's no one in my life that wants to hear about my depression bullshit anymore. no one wants me to text them if i'm just going to be sad so i just want to kill myself. there is no one who cares. i just have this forum, and i'd planned on leaving it just a few nights ago. but i'm back at square 1 and worse because i really have nothing left to lose or give people besides money my parents gave me and the things i own, but giving people my stuff or money won't make them like me. no one wants my things if they know i'm only doing it because i want to kill myself. i'd cashapp one of my friends 15 bucks so that they would call me and pretend to be interested in me. i am a disaster.

i'm not in any online communities and i have 0 interests. i don't want to go to a ward again. i don't want to get kicked out of the house because my parents don't want to keep supporting me either. i am a stray animal living in my parents' home and they could get rid of me at any time if they wanted to. my sister doesn't care or even know that i'm going insane and that my heart aches every night because i have no one while she has tons of friends at her university and a boyfriend. she doesn't understand the way i feel at all. no one does. they just think that i'm weak or that things will get better soon. i'd kill myself if i could wake up tomorrow as any of them. i'm envious to a disgusting degree. i have 0 presence even when i'm around.

i would do anything if it meant people would like me and paid attention to me. i'd degrade myself. i'd send pictures of myself. i'd do whatever anyone wanted. but no one wants such a sad, desperate, insecure person. my insecurity is the reason i have no interests. i only do things for the sake of others because i hate myself. i am no one. i am a mirror someone holds up to see their face, and for a while doing that made me happy, until i had no one again. there is no one that i get along with in the city i live in, so i desperately want to move away, but there's way i can move in the next 3 years when i can only do entry level jobs or work studies after never having a job before, so i'd have to keep living with my parents. next year i will be 21 and nothing will change besides my age and that i can drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes. no one even believes that i'm 20 because i look so young. i want to ruin my life or have someone else ruin it for me. i just want to do something that'll kill me or feel good for a few minutes. i'm not even good enough to have sex with. i'm just a dime-a-dozen disposable 20 year old that was more attractive when i was barely legal. it's sickening. i want to send suicide bait texts to people so someone talks to me and convinces me not to do it, but i don't think anyone cares anymore. everything is ruined. it's all ruined. the people in my life either don't know what's happening or they tell me it'll get better when they don't even want me in their life.

 

[ICantFixThis]

yo im in a somewhat similar spot, like I have "friends" but as soon as I talk about my problems with drugs or depression they don't wanna hear it. Like they only want a clean version of me to play videogames with. If you wanted someone to talk to I could add you on discord, (dm me for my discord) sorry if I take a few days to reply sometimes. I kinda pull away from people a lot, I'll do my best.

 

[itsgone2]

it is genuinely hard to shake the thought that if i had any method that i knew would work but doesn't freak me out as much as hanging i would be dead. i would just be dead, without a doubt. it's night time and i could kill myself tonight if i wanted to, and thinking that and saying that tortures me so much.

Same. I know it's of no real comfort but wanted to let you know there are others. Many here

 

[monetpompo]

If you wanted someone to talk to I could add you on discord, (dm me for my discord) sorry if I take a few days to reply sometimes. I kinda pull away from people a lot, I'll do my best.

i appreciate it but i'm too codependent to be friends with anybody if i have 0 friends, lol. i pretty much want to talk to people all the time even if i have nothing to say, so i end up talking about my depression even i know they don't want to hear about it. it's nice that there's people on sasu that have offered to talk to me, but i always decline because sasu friends have brought me a lot of stress over when they'll kill themselves or if they'll recover. thanks for writing me a message still.

 

[littlecutecorpse]

yo im in a somewhat similar spot, like I have "friends" but as soon as I talk about my problems with drugs or depression they don't wanna hear it. Like they only want a clean version of me to play videogames with. If you wanted someone to talk to I could add you on discord, (dm me for my discord) sorry if I take a few days to reply sometimes. I kinda pull away from people a lot, I'll do my best.

that's how my ex-friend was. we used to talk and hang out a lot but anytime i was clearly depressed or opened up about my ideation she only got pissy and told me to "snap out of it" and "think about the people who care about you" (also called me selfish for attempting one time after i got out the ward). past friends would only want me to be the ideal, hollow, optimistic doll and eventually ghosted when they figured i was too far pessimistic for their bullshit. glad to not be around them anymore

 

[camelcrushlova]

if u ever wanna talk abt how depressed u are id listen to u , i too have nobody else to talk to ab my problems (hence why i joined this) so i totally get where ur coming from .

 

[monetpompo]

there's no one in my life that wants to hear about my depression bullshit anymore. no one wants me to text them if i'm just going to be sad so i just want to kill myself. there is no one who cares. i want to send suicide bait texts to people so someone talks to me and convinces me not to do it, but i don't think anyone cares anymore. everything is ruined. it's all ruined. the people in my life either don't know what's happening or they tell me it'll get better when they don't even want me in their life.

continued post:
i really do just want to keep talking and talking about how sad, lonely, and pathetic i feel. it feels good to because this is the only way i feel or think anymore. i want the people around me to get angry with me and block me because they're tired of me. it feels good to be left behind by people but they also realize that they would be doing what i wanted if they blocked me. it feels like the only way out of this situation is waiting until i get my driver's license so i can gun it to a bridge in the city or drive myself far enough into the woods or countryside where i won't have signal to text anyone i'm committing suicide.

it doesn't matter if my situation gets worse because i have no way to commit suicide. i don't have a way to get a hobby because i don't give a fuck about anything and everything is hard to do. i don't want to play competitive video games because they're hard and i don't want to play narrative video games because i get depressed. i don't want to read books because my attention span is fucked. i'm so boring that i just want someone to curb stomp my skull or hit me with a baseball bat. no one wants to punish me or hurt me. i don't know why i want to be abused by someone so badly. i guess because they would pay attention to me and hurt me in the way i want them to. if i got into an abusive relationship people would care more about me, too. because then i would be a victim of something and they would want to care about me.

i can't say that this is the hardest time of my life because i know it isn't. my life is extremely easy and nothing bad ever happens in it, but nothing good ever happens in it either. i feel the happiness when someone is paying attention to me and if someone isn't then i want to puke and curl up in my bed because i don't feel like i exist in the real world or to others. it's my fault that no one wants to talk to me anymore and i have no way to get better when i have no resources. i need money and a license to go to therapy. the second best thing is literally a ward that i'll get kicked out of in 3 days, and i'll be worse off after leaving because they'll put me on so many medications just to take me off them again. i want to wallow and spiral so hard that i grab the machete my dad has in the closet and start stabbing myself in my room until i bleed out and die. i want to stop imagining bad things happening to me as a way to relax. i know that everything i say is distressing but i can't think of another way to articulate myself. i only think bad thoughts because i know no one cares anymore. there's no fallback and no one that will visit me in the hospital. my parents only came out of obligation. i can't stand this limbo. i don't want to OD on something that'll just give me organ damage instead of kill me. i want to die if i'm not wanted.