Tomorrow morning is the day

[doublecupj]

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and see no other way out of the mess.

I'm in thousands of dollars of debt. Currently being sued by one lender. I burned through my grandfather's savings in a span of about 2 years, while attempting to pay off my debt and keep the household afloat. He doesn't know it, he knows I used a bit of it but doesn't know the extent. Every time i tried to pay it back something expensive would come up and i would be in the hole again. He's wanting to shop for a car not realizing we simply don't have the money for it.

I have screwed up bad and I don't know of any way out. If I admit the truth I risk being homeless or prison and I wouldn't survive either of those anyway. I tried to be a good person, but I failed. I don't like myself.

I will leave a note and whatever money I have remaining to my family telling them how much I love them and that I'm sorry. I have an uncle who is somewhat well off and i will ask him and my aunt to help care for my grandfather, hopefully doing a better job than what I did. I will not ask for a funeral or any ceremonies. I will simply ask for forgiveness and understanding.

I will be using a 12 guage shotgun with .00 buckshot through the roof of my mouth. I plan to drive out to the woods, leaving one note back at home and one in my car.

I'm very nervous but I have no choice. I want to thank everyone on this site for the education and information to make this process easier. Wish me luck. I'm not sure what I should spend this last day doing.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I hope you find peace! Farewell!

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I hope you find peace after all that you've been through.

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

Good luck, hope all goes well :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Farewell, I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering.

 

[notahappygirl]

Hope everything goes as planned <3

 

[Worndown]

Damn... I hope all goes well in the morning.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

Safe travels to the other side

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Is there nothing you could sell to get some money? Or some financial advice to help with your debts? Especially if you don't really want to CTB-plus am sure your grandfather and family do not care half as much about the money as they do you being alive.

I really hope you can figure something else out if CTB is not something you really want but something you feel forced into. No one should have to feel like it's their only option when they want to live. If you are 100% on your decision I do of course respect it and wish you peace.

 

[Worndown]

How are you today?

 

[RichardFirst]

I hope that this is one more soul that is now at peace.

 

[doublecupj]

Update: I'm alive. I did not go through with the attempt.

I had my mind 1000% made up that today would be the day. I planned to shoot myself this morning with my shotgun, in a wooded area away from my house. I even got a hotel for the night before so I could finish up my notes and final instructions.

Then I slept for maybe 2 hours last night and left out at 5 AM. I drove to the town I had chosen, looked around some woods, but everywhere I looked just didn't seem "right". So I drove to the next town. And then the next. And this went on for 3 AND A HALF HOURS.

The longer this went on, the more I thought about my poor Dad and how hurt he would be by my death. I just imagined him going about his day like normal and then getting that news.

Then I thought about the possible pain after i take the shot. How will I even know I did it right?

Then most perplexing....what happens once I'm dead? Nothingness? How is that even possible? I mean I guess it could be like general anesthesia but I actually wake up from that, which is why I have a reference point about what it's like. Once I'm dead I'm just dead forever.

And I just couldn't bare it. I broke down sobbing. Then I drove to work and went about my day like normal.

I had everything planned so why couldn't I do it? Is this lack of courage/fear of dying or genuine inability to hurt my family?

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I had everything planned so why couldn't I do it? Is this lack of courage/fear of dying or genuine inability to hurt my family?

SI is one hell of a thing. There's no judgement here as a lot of us have dealt with the same thing. Although your plan didn't go as expected I still hope life gets easier while you're still here.

 

[doublecupj]

SI is one hell of a thing. There's no judgement here as a lot of us have dealt with the same thing. Although your plan didn't go as expected I still hope life gets easier while you're still here.

Thank you. Everyone on this site is so kind, so compassionate, so wholesome, so respectful. It's really getting me through these times you guys have no idea.