Dwnwrdsprl
Every living creature on this earth dies alone
- Jan 18, 2020
- 39
I've started fasting and I've measured out 2 doses of my SN (25g each). I'm going with the STAT dose of Meto and using rolaids or tums as my antacid (whichever tastes better tomorrow). I have a little square of salted caramel chocolate just in case I need to mask the taste after.
My infatuation with suicide started at age 12, I am almost 32 now. I used to cut to make the pain go away, & I overdosed 3 times between age 15 and 19 (unfortunately, not on anything that could have killed me -but I didn't know that then).
I live with 'the call of the void' every day. I think about stepping in front of vehicles when I'm walking, driving into or off of things, jumping, drowning, and putting myself in dangers way in a multitude of ways.
On top of this, my financial situation is a disaster, my boyfriend of nearly 10 years cheated on me and our relationship has deteriorated beyond repair. We have a house together, his daughter is 12 and we I love her dearly, we have a dog, 2 cats, a whole life. That's all been ripped away. I trusted him after not being able to trust anyone for a long time (I won't get into that past trauma).
I've been through sexual abuse, alcoholism, and tried so many drugs to cope when I was younger. I have depression, anxiety, and my brain is just generally broken. I'm exhausted from trying to keep myself together.
Anytime I'm going through a "wellness" period, I miss my depression. It's messed up, I know. Depression makes me more creative and I used to like drawing and painting.
I loved my family, I loved animals, I loved gardening and doing my own canning, and I loved anything that got me on top of a mountain. I loved the feeling of driving with the windows down in the evening in the summer time when the temperature was just right and the air felt like a soft, warm caress on my face. I loved laying in the top pool at St. Leon's hot springs with the cool water tap on just enough to trickle down the top of my head and back of my neck. I loved to fall asleep with my head on my boyfriend's chest, listening to his heart beat. It really was the simple things that brought joy but, none of that was enough.
I haven't been here on SS very long but, if anyone is so inclined, think of me when you are in the mountains, it's the only place I ever truly felt like I was at home and fully at peace.
I am calm now. I am ready. Thank you for being so supportive and helpingme find the information I needed to make this transition into the unknown as peaceful as possible (within my means).
Much love to all.
My infatuation with suicide started at age 12, I am almost 32 now. I used to cut to make the pain go away, & I overdosed 3 times between age 15 and 19 (unfortunately, not on anything that could have killed me -but I didn't know that then).
I live with 'the call of the void' every day. I think about stepping in front of vehicles when I'm walking, driving into or off of things, jumping, drowning, and putting myself in dangers way in a multitude of ways.
On top of this, my financial situation is a disaster, my boyfriend of nearly 10 years cheated on me and our relationship has deteriorated beyond repair. We have a house together, his daughter is 12 and we I love her dearly, we have a dog, 2 cats, a whole life. That's all been ripped away. I trusted him after not being able to trust anyone for a long time (I won't get into that past trauma).
I've been through sexual abuse, alcoholism, and tried so many drugs to cope when I was younger. I have depression, anxiety, and my brain is just generally broken. I'm exhausted from trying to keep myself together.
Anytime I'm going through a "wellness" period, I miss my depression. It's messed up, I know. Depression makes me more creative and I used to like drawing and painting.
I loved my family, I loved animals, I loved gardening and doing my own canning, and I loved anything that got me on top of a mountain. I loved the feeling of driving with the windows down in the evening in the summer time when the temperature was just right and the air felt like a soft, warm caress on my face. I loved laying in the top pool at St. Leon's hot springs with the cool water tap on just enough to trickle down the top of my head and back of my neck. I loved to fall asleep with my head on my boyfriend's chest, listening to his heart beat. It really was the simple things that brought joy but, none of that was enough.
I haven't been here on SS very long but, if anyone is so inclined, think of me when you are in the mountains, it's the only place I ever truly felt like I was at home and fully at peace.
I am calm now. I am ready. Thank you for being so supportive and helpingme find the information I needed to make this transition into the unknown as peaceful as possible (within my means).
Much love to all.
