Told my SO that CTB's been on my mind

[western_heart]

I told my SO last night. About how often I think about CTB, how painful certain things in my life are, how I've been reading and talking about suicide online, how I want to have a method again.

the conversation started after we had gone to bed and blown out the candles. with me lying my head on her chest and starting to cry. She asked what was wrong and I explained how I hurt most days and it doesn't seem like things are getting better; and even though I don't want to leave her, I don't want to feel the pain of existence either. She cried a lot, said she didn't want to lose me, and that she will work to support me. We stayed up for hours and cuddled, she was very upset. It was the most open I've been with her in weeks. I told her I've been spending time on this forum (something she'd noticed, since I have been hiding my screen more than usual). I decided I wouldn't order anything to use to CTB.

Today I did ketamine (to help with depression) & we talked more about life and death. She spent a lot of time with me and tricked me into doing things I was too sad to do. I closed the tab for the SN I was thinking of purchasing.

Rushing to finish this before going to bed. I really wanted to write today but I've been avoiding it all day.

 

[Bullit]

Bang your girl,then groove on ketamine! Sounds like a nice evening!

 

[Kyrok]

My wife has been aware of my suicidality for years.

I was close to ctb in 2017/8 and she was more worried then, but she understands and accepts it. I live a busy life, deal with severe pain and suffer quite a bit.

Your SO will process for a while & probably already understood that you're depressed. Keep the conversation going and see how she's dealing.

 

[Sslsh]

Happy for you because you have someone to support you in these times. Hope you hit the road to recovery.

 

[western_heart]

Bang your girl,then groove on ketamine! Sounds like a nice evening!

I wish it was that fun! But no sex. As I was coming down she tricked me into taking a shower and sitting outside for an hour. The drug isn't recreational for me most of the time, though it was nice yesterday because she cuddled with me the whole time while I talked about life and death.

Almost got me to leave the house to get groceries but we didn't get access to use the car in time. I came up with a lot of excuses, like that I was too high to go into the store (I would have been fine and had fun, tbh, if I actually went)

 

[Pookie]

It's a sad situation all round but I'm happy to see that your partner is supportive and not judging you for feeling suicidal. I've seen so many here get shut down or incite anger in their loved ones for opening up.

Your partner is gold, it's obvious that she loves you very much. A loving partner can make a world of difference when one is suicidal/depressed. Angry partners/family just make one's depression worse.

 

[loopylou]

You just snort K? Isn't it meant to be overseen by a doctor to insure the therapeutic dosage? I was thinking of getting the infusions but it's money I can't afford right now

 

[western_heart]

You just snort K? Isn't it meant to be overseen by a doctor to insure the therapeutic dosage? I was thinking of getting the infusions but it's money I can't afford right now

I do it rectally (also known as boofing or plugging) with my SO's help. Snorting would work too but my nose can't handle that. my protocol is similar to what's described in this Reddit thread

From what I've read, clinical ketamine treatment is all over the place in terms of dosing and some clinics are not that great. For the cost of a single infusion at a clinic I can do months worth of treatment at home. It might not be as optimal as IV but my home is much comfier than a clinical environment would be.

EDIT: this probably deserves its own thread if there isn't one already

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Sounds like you have an amazing partner who will support you no matter what, hold on to her. I'm glad that you two got to have a nice evening together and you got some catharsis from being able to tell the truth.

I think that to be truly loved is to feel free and understood, and that can only come about from honesty, even when it comes to macabre topics like ctb. She sounds very kindhearted and empathetic, I am glad that you two have each other and there is someone there for you to lean on no matter what.

There's vulnerability in opening up about ctb, but if the other person is trustworthy, it can feel like a massive weight off your shoulders.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be a relief having someone who is supportive. Feeling like we have to hide our thoughts can make us feel isolated and is likely to make us feel even worse. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

Even though I know how hard fighting life can be, I'm glad you have someone out there for you. Must be nice.
Sometimes, I miss those days but I guess I'm better off alone and lonely.

Hope you can feel better soon!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Red]

Oh I'm so glad that it went so well for you - how freeing you be accepted and supported at this point in your life, I'm so happy for you

My experience with this has been somewhat different - being female and bringing it to a male can be quite odd lol my fiancé struggles with occasional depression too and I think he finds it triggering, so I can't really be too open with my suicidal thoughts. When I bring it up, he shuts me down.

He doesn't completely ignore it; he'll listen if I need to talk but he can't really cope with it, although he'll hold me if I need to cry, He tries to give me things to do to distract me - I don't know if he has asked me to marry him to try to stop me? I guess it kind of worked for now.

It's hard being torn between living in constant pain and isolation but then having those couple of good things that keep you tethered. I really hope that you and your partner can work together to build a wonderful life for yourselves - well done for opening up!

 

[western_heart]

The past week has been strange.

One day my partner said I've been spending a lot of time on my phone (on this website). I said "am I allowed to use my phone?" and explained that being on the site is a coping mechanism. Later, I told her about what I've been discussing on here and explained that I find comfort in knowing there are others who feel the same way as me.

My partner and I had a few more nights of me staying up late talking about suicide. She decided this was a bad idea, since I was thinking about CTB when I wake up every day. So I'm not allowed to talk about it so late & we've been listening to a podcast once we go to bed to distract me. It seems to have helped so far, I've been getting more sleep too.

We planned for me to do ketamine again on Saturday. I took a shower while she prepared my dose, which she decided would be higher this time, and once I got out I found her on the floor, curled up under a blanket. She had trouble because it was so messy & was very upset & wouldn't tell me what was wrong at first. I had to comfort her before she would dose me.

As I was coming down, she told me that she is going to make some changes. She thinks it's very important that I keep doing ketamine & that her top priority is finding a job. She is also going to do more around the house (our living space is very messy). She reiterated that she is going to fight for me and do whatever she can to support me. She wants me to start EMDR as soon as possible, and is going to help me confront my therapist at my next session.

I think I can keep myself from planning to CTB as long as K remains effective & I don't have to work.