I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I've lost everything I had to live for. I also lost all my friends because I can't talk about anything except for how miserable I am. I have no energy and no drive. I'm pretty sure it's time to ctb. Since I'm a kid I had the idea that this day might come and I decided I'm gonna throw everything I have at life and if it doesn't work I'll ctb. I'm 32 years old and I have nothing and no energy amd no will to live. If I work hard I can make enough money to pay my expenses but my work is getting so tedious. Not because I mind the work but just because I hate my life so much and I want to die. Today I stopped working I the middle of the day (I make my own hours) and I went home just to sit around and think about how much I want to die. I called up an ex of mine who has been reaching out to me lately to see if she could be a source of comfort but she just went off on me about how all I talk about is how miserable I am. It's TRUE and I don't really blame her even though I think if she wanted to be there for me she could. Anyway I made a noose out of a tie and attempted a partial drop hanging. My face and hands started to swell up but I just got so scared and I couldn't go through with it. The idea of. Hiking out a life just seems so barbaric to me. I guess I believe in the sanctity of life to some extent. Even to a large extent I really do believe in it. But at the same time I am just in so much constant pain every day that I don't know what to do. I hate everything about my life and I want it to be over but at the same time life is such a powerful force that I feel terrible about choking it out. I really am in so much constant pain I have no idea what to do. Does anyone else struggle with these feelings or know how to deal with it?
I can relate so much!
I'm 33 and had the worst terrible months. Why? Because I had lost my freedom and almost ended up in a psych ward.
What worked for me is when I asked my self: "What can help me to move on in spite of this pain? Because if there's nothing, I'll just ctb asap and that's it."
To my surprise, the answer to that question was "just try to have a routine and stabilize your life little by little" and I've been only doing it for a week but it seems to be working!
I mean, we're all gonna die sooner or later. Why on earth do I have to think of death and suffer everyday while people are so happy?
Anyway, I'm a bipolar person so who knows? I might feel depressed and want to ctb again tomorrow but I just gotta tell you: THIS IS A DAILY FIGHT!!! you can win if you somehow get the motivation! (even a hobby could help)
I'm 33 and had the worst terrible months. Why? Because I had lost my freedom and almost ended up in a psych ward.
What worked for me is when I asked my self: "What can help me to move on in spite of this pain? Because if there's nothing, I'll just ctb asap and that's it."
To my surprise, the answer to that question was "just try to have a routine and stabilize your life little by little" and I've been only doing it for a week but it seems to be working!
I mean, we're all gonna die sooner or later. Why on earth do I have to think of death and suffer everyday while people are so happy?
Anyway, I'm a bipolar person so who knows? I might feel depressed and want to ctb again tomorrow but I just gotta tell you: THIS IS A DAILY FIGHT!!! you can win if you somehow get the motivation! (even a hobby could help)
NodusTollens
☾
- Nov 17, 2020
- 989
Sorry to hear you're in so much pain, what you're experiencing sounds overwhelming.
I can relate to your statement about knowing you were going to CTB someday, I have always felt the same. Though I'm a couple years younger, at 30, life has lost its lustre.
I wonder if it's possible for you to take some time off, maybe do something you enjoy for a while? That helps me drag myself out of a funk to some degree. Comfort food + a good show/movie
I wish for you a reprieve from the pain you're experiencing, best of luck.
I can relate to your statement about knowing you were going to CTB someday, I have always felt the same. Though I'm a couple years younger, at 30, life has lost its lustre.
I wonder if it's possible for you to take some time off, maybe do something you enjoy for a while? That helps me drag myself out of a funk to some degree. Comfort food + a good show/movie
I wish for you a reprieve from the pain you're experiencing, best of luck.
Thanks for your words. To be honest the feelings I'm more looking to try and deal with is the feeling like there is something wrong with choking out life. I really want to ctb at this point I just can't deal with how barbaric it feels.
It's heartbreaking that u r in so much pain. Hanging is not easy, otherwise i'd have ctb'd ages ago. You can private chat with me, if it makes u feel any better.
Not interested in hanging in really. I just don't see a way out. Nor do I see a way to mitigate the pain and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I want a peaceful way out.
Catlovergirl
Shan32- Suicide is only for the brave.
- Oct 24, 2020
- 67
I'm 33 years. I have severe chronic depression plus borderline disorder. I have serious deep rooted issues that goes back to my childhood and then all my life till now as im typing im just endured pain, anger, being used all my life and being hurt by people. I've had an abortion, I've been on drugs, I'm an alcoholic, I worked as an escort at an escort agency for over 15 years as a prostitute. I by now prob have had sex with about 1000 men. Was raped at 18 and it was filmed and was sent around my whole school when I was in my year, My parents abused me as a kid by disciplining me by hitting me till i couldn't breath or catch my breath, my mom would drag me outside the backdoor and i'd have nail marks in my skin from her there was so much more. Today i cant work anymore because my depression is so bad and in this country the disability benefits is not even worth it. I stayed alone with my grandmother after my parents couldn't handle me anymore. So basically my grandmother looked after me all those years until 4 months ago when she passed away. I can't at all work so how do i look after myself and my 2 cats I again prostitute myself coz i really have no other choice, i drink everyday 2 numb the pain and because by this point im so drained and exhausted by life i have to use illegal drugs just to give an energy boost 2 get out of bed or else i cant. So yes, I must just also prepare for my ctb day soon.
Catlovergirl
Shan32- Suicide is only for the brave.
- Oct 24, 2020
- 67
Very interesting. Now you got my attention even more. I have no idea but just curious round about how much does sn cost?
I'm 33 years old and I'm done with this life. The only obstacle prevents me from CTB is not having SN.
