Today was a day almost without suicidal thoughts ( only maybe ten times I thought about it)

[KiraLittleOwl]

It's a strange feeling... Empty feeling. I am sad but calm.
I don't have anyone to talk about it, please forgive me for putting this here.
Today my psychiatrist called, she prescribed me new ssri and whatever antipsychotic.
I quit Seroquel some time ago and self medicating with a little bit of weed. I love weed although I think it made me make extremely dumb choices in the past that led to the place I am in now.
I honestly didn't want too much from life, to feel happy I need to be comfortable with my body and to have a loving boyfriend, that's all. Well, maybe friends, yes that would be nice. Maybe this is indeed to much to ask for...
I have nothing.
I achieved nothing.
I came nowhere.
People are nice to me but that doesn't matter because I feel unworthy of love or affection.
Nobody really loves me and I don't truly love anyone. I used to love myself, but not anymore...
All I have is regret and envy.
I don't even know why I wrote this, I am so lost

 

[William Barker]

I'm a friend to all who need one.

 

[Squiddy]

I don't know when's the last time I went without a suicidal thought, but it's been a long time.

 

[Biggie]

It's a strange feeling... Empty feeling. I am sad but calm.
I don't have anyone to talk about it, please forgive me for putting this here.
Today my psychiatrist called, she prescribed me new ssri and whatever antipsychotic.
I quit Seroquel some time ago and self medicating with a little bit of weed. I love weed although I think it made me make extremely dumb choices in the past that led to the place I am in now.
I honestly didn't want too much from life, to feel happy I need to be comfortable with my body and to have a loving boyfriend, that's all. Well, maybe friends, yes that would be nice. Maybe this is indeed to much to ask for...
I have nothing.
I achieved nothing.
I came nowhere.
People are nice to me but that doesn't matter because I feel unworthy of love or affection.
Nobody really loves me and I don't truly love anyone. I used to love myself, but not anymore...
All I have is regret and envy.
I don't even know why I wrote this, I am so lost

Thank you for sharing, I bet this wasn't easy to write but I hope putting it out there helps in some way. I don't know you or your life, but from what I can tell by your presence on this forum, you have achieved something here. You have helped a lot of people and added a lot of value, so on behalf of everyone I thank you for that.

In regards to what would make you happy (being comfortable in your own body and having a boyfriend), take a step back and look at that for a second. What makes you uncomfortable in your own body? Is it something physical? If so, there are things we can do to help you with this ( for instance, I can offer my advice and background of fitness to help).
Secondly (in regards to relationships) we can't rely on other people to bring us happiness or maintain our mental health, doing so will end badly and be even more damaging than not starting that relationship in the first place. When the time is right, the right man will come and he will love you for YOU. But right now, we need to get you loving yourself again. Off the top of your head, think of one thing right now that you like about yourself - there has to be something. This could be something you've achieved, experienced, a physical feature, a personality trait... Once you have it in mind, and don't feel like you have to share it with us if you don't want to, think about how that makes you feel and expand on it to other aspects of your life. You can do this, we are all rooting for you my friend. A starting place for you could be looking at your wall and profile here on SS. A lot of people care about you and they do for a reason. Embrace it.

Please feel free to message me at any point, I experience suicidal or depressed thoughts daily too - you are not alone.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I feel the same way as you. I haven't achieved what I wanted to in life. I've got so many regrets. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I was supposed to be studying Photography but I've had to defer the course 3 times now. I'm getting too old. I don't want to be left behind. I've got a chronic sleep disorder too which I feel has left me with neurological issues. My family aren't really supportive and I too feel directionless. I'm here if ever you need a chat.

 

[Yomyom]

Hi @KiraLittleOwl, I hope you feel better.
ssri is a great drug, and I hope you'll use what he gave you.

I wish you the best of luck in your new drug, and I'm hoping it will help you fully recover

And if you want to talk I'm always here

 

[Marktheghost]

You can talk to me any time you want to. I'm here for you.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Thank you everyone, you touched my heart.
I don't have enough words to show how much I appreciate you all.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Update: today is horrible. I need to die.

 

[MsPotts]

I feel this way all the time. I'm sorry today is bad for you. You can always PM if you want to talk. I have mental illnesses that prevent me from self love, and sabotaging relationships. I'm fucked. I'm not making a winning case for communication lol. I'm sorry, and I'm here for you, if you want that. Or we can drink wine and face time lol

 

[Yomyom]

@KiraLittleOwl
Did you ask him how much time it takes to see the results of the drug?
In some drugs it can take month until it's start to effects

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

@KiraLittleOwl
Did you ask him how much time it takes to see the results of the drug?
In some drugs it can take month until it's start to effects

I know about this, it's a commonly prescribed ssri so yes, about a month to see if it helps. The other one is antipsychotic but I don't remember which one.
I will take them although I don't think they can help me to feel better. In my experience they only make you numb.

 

[Kumachan]

one day thats way too long for me! Even 10 min without suicidal thoughts seems like an achievement...

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

one day thats way too long for me! Even 10 min without suicidal thoughts seems like an achievement...

Most of days are like that for me too
It's incredibly hard
Hugs

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Today I was ruminating as always and it the thoughts loop made my chest hurt like somebody put a knife in there and keep turning it.
But in the evening I took a benzos, smoked some weed short after and had a walk with my friend.
I felt much better, tolerable, no suicidal thoughts while we were walking. She is a kind and not judging, very nice person.
We returned home and I smoked some more weed.
I feel ok, not hopeful or something, just not horrible as always.
I am afraid to go to sleep because I am dreading that tomorrow the feeling we'll evaporates and the torture will begin.
Sigh... I miss feeling ok.

I guess that my venting space now.
Is that ok?

 

[Kumachan]

I am afraid to go to sleep

Yea, feel for you... Morning is like fuck me!