Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Greetings SS Family-
I have always left open the option to be saved from my fate of self-deliverance by "true love"- as trite as it may sound, I as a BPD diagnosed late in life (age 40), this should come as no surprise. I also have never had a positive sexual experince with a man, and so I felt that I wanted to try and give that to myself before I left this wretched planet. Now, given my introduction, I'm sure you can tell what's coming.
I joined a dating app and posted being open to a relationship (in hopes of having my dream afterall) or to at least find someone who would want to give me an amazing evening. Well, for those of you who are still here with me over this past year- know of the infamous "Boy From Last Summer" that brought me to my knees and utterly destroyed my soul- He was a sly pathological- I knew nothing about Narcissits, (PTRS)-Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome, BPD, Love-bombing, and all that comes with getting entangled with one of these types. I didn't find out about this stuff till after I thouroughly educated myself after my breakdown. Given that I had a latent disorder of my own, that had been present all my life- but never was properly diagnosed- I led a life of constant failure, crisis, self-loathing, sadness, deep seated anger and bitterness, overpowering longing and above all a helplessness and powrlessness to overcome my desire to find happiness "within myself" and to find the one boy who would love, cherish, adore me THAT I ALSO FOUND ATTRACTIVE AND THAT I LOVED AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT. I never had any mutual encounter. It was always I was into the guy more than he was into me or the reverse and I can list dozens of methods I tried to change my situation.
Religion, dating coach, life-coach, self-help programs, metaphysics, healers, 12-Step programs---you name it. And so I have conluded that I am indeed hopeless, only because I surmise that I lived far too long and my patterns of emotions, feelings, thought and personality have become totally entrenched and I am now averse to change due to resentment that I feel that I was "emotionally stillborn" and that I was dead before I even had a chance to really live.
So, I met a guy. I can't believe it. He was everything I had wanted. It was crazy, we had am amazing first few dates, he was into EDM music, we sat for hours in his car playing music, smoking pot and laughing like kids. He gushed that he told his freinds about me, he called me everyday, he seemed so excited------- We danced in my living room-- not sexy slowdancing. (Well there was some of that too but) mostly FUCKING URBAN HIP-HOP STYLE EDM BREAKDANCING! Who does this with women you are planning to fuck and throw away? Jeez.... how do I attract these types? Where I come from men who want only sex from a woman wouldn't waste thier time with this extra "deep connection" garbadge--- this guy is HOT too..... He has no excuse--- not a tiny dick, tall, good looking,had a job and car-- I mean wtf? Why not just come right out and say you wanna fuck and that's it? UGH.
I am a Raver kid. I met my boy from last summer on the dance floor, I love HOUSE MUSIC. I was traumatized from my own culture, my music, I sold my turntables from DJing to pay for my CTB equiptment!!!----- I had panic attacks from hearing EDM music from commercials--- I cut myself off from all my DJ buddies, declined all private party invitations--- gained 100 pounds, broke my anckle while roller skating as a suggestion from my therapist to try somthing new and vowed I would never dance again.
Until I met a 6'2'' Latino sexy, seemingly considerate, playful, man who did all the things for a short time that I wanted from my perpetrator-lost-love from summer 2018. I was skeptical at first, but I decided to open up, I cried and he held me on our date, I told him about my past experince-- I told him plainly that it was something special that I was opening up to him to dance---I took out my old CDs and MP3 list of my DJ set that I played--- everything I had vowed to NEVER TOUCH AGAIN.
We made out----- We didn't have all the way sex, I wasn't ready for that- I was scared it would cause me to become too attached, he was amazing and have me heavy petting, kissing, massage, oral, for HOURS without demanding anything from me. But i was so happy and turned on I went down on him---- And I am damn good at it...lol. It felt so good to be held. It felt so good to wake up with a man in my bed. It felt so good to be looked at with such eagerness and delicateness, its all I ever wanted. AND I MEAN ALL. I felt like I could conquer anything in life if I had a partner. But now I knwo that is not in the cards for me in this life and so fuck the world. I will withhold my gifts from it , since it has withheld from me what makes me happy and what I need to survive. I refuse to me the workmule of the world for free, and slave.
Well, I have no idea WTF but after that night everything changed. No more "Buenos Dias Mami" texts. Everything trickled down to one 10 minute call per day in which his voice was flat, enemotional-- Like he was just cheking in on me to see what I was doing or who I was with----- I was like SERIOUSLY? LIKE WTF? I am floored. Honestly 98% of my soul was completely OBLITERATED from my trauma from last summer and so this gentleman only had about %2 to work with to crush. And he did. I was considering abandoning catching the bus, if like in a romance novel I would be "saved"- Its kinda like buying a lottery ticket- I knew my chances of winning was slim to none- that was my attitude when signing up on the app, you don't think your going to win, and shit its only a dollar, but imagine your shock if you get winning numbers.
I thought I had a winning ticket, but when I went to cash it in, I was informed that it was a fraudulent ticket. So oh well, I just wanted to announce my delay in boarding ym bus and reason why. When I posted that "SHIT JUST GOT REAL THE ROOM IS BOOKED" post I had booked a hotel room for TODAY VALENTINES DAY. So, now I sit here all alone surrounded by all the heart & flowers paraphnelia that represents what I feel that I am unworthy of in THIS WORLD and on top of that- I'm not in my hotel room with my method....
But I will be soon. The hotel I have chosen is very popular and I now have to wait to get a good price for a room as I want to die in luxury, so I have to book again for a minumum of 2 weeks out for me to be able to afford a 5 Star room. So I have no more bucket list items, no more hope of being "saved." Just need to try and be as comfortable as I can as I wait for my final day to come. And as promised, I will reveal my method and all the details right before I go. I had someone who agreed to do a Video Documentation for me, but I am not sure if they are stable enough to carry it out, so I am interested in those who might be interested in helping me with this.
I have to say, that I have done much work over this past year in preparing myself for death. The biggest is overcoming my religious indoctrination, I have found support in agnostic/athiest communities online and an organization called "Recovering from Religion"- Its a non profit online and if anyone has issues surrounding CTB and fears of hell I highly reccomend this resource.
So SS fam, I love you all and I am so grateful for this site. Also due to the threat that have come from publisized suicides like Callie Lewis and Shawn Shatto- I do not want my name added to the list so I will make sure my devices are wiped before I go because, this place is too important to be taken away from us.
My hope is to be gone by the first week of March. Soon finally, my suffering will be over. Love you all so much, if anyone needs support or anything from me please PM me.
I have always left open the option to be saved from my fate of self-deliverance by "true love"- as trite as it may sound, I as a BPD diagnosed late in life (age 40), this should come as no surprise. I also have never had a positive sexual experince with a man, and so I felt that I wanted to try and give that to myself before I left this wretched planet. Now, given my introduction, I'm sure you can tell what's coming.
I joined a dating app and posted being open to a relationship (in hopes of having my dream afterall) or to at least find someone who would want to give me an amazing evening. Well, for those of you who are still here with me over this past year- know of the infamous "Boy From Last Summer" that brought me to my knees and utterly destroyed my soul- He was a sly pathological- I knew nothing about Narcissits, (PTRS)-Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome, BPD, Love-bombing, and all that comes with getting entangled with one of these types. I didn't find out about this stuff till after I thouroughly educated myself after my breakdown. Given that I had a latent disorder of my own, that had been present all my life- but never was properly diagnosed- I led a life of constant failure, crisis, self-loathing, sadness, deep seated anger and bitterness, overpowering longing and above all a helplessness and powrlessness to overcome my desire to find happiness "within myself" and to find the one boy who would love, cherish, adore me THAT I ALSO FOUND ATTRACTIVE AND THAT I LOVED AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT. I never had any mutual encounter. It was always I was into the guy more than he was into me or the reverse and I can list dozens of methods I tried to change my situation.
Religion, dating coach, life-coach, self-help programs, metaphysics, healers, 12-Step programs---you name it. And so I have conluded that I am indeed hopeless, only because I surmise that I lived far too long and my patterns of emotions, feelings, thought and personality have become totally entrenched and I am now averse to change due to resentment that I feel that I was "emotionally stillborn" and that I was dead before I even had a chance to really live.
So, I met a guy. I can't believe it. He was everything I had wanted. It was crazy, we had am amazing first few dates, he was into EDM music, we sat for hours in his car playing music, smoking pot and laughing like kids. He gushed that he told his freinds about me, he called me everyday, he seemed so excited------- We danced in my living room-- not sexy slowdancing. (Well there was some of that too but) mostly FUCKING URBAN HIP-HOP STYLE EDM BREAKDANCING! Who does this with women you are planning to fuck and throw away? Jeez.... how do I attract these types? Where I come from men who want only sex from a woman wouldn't waste thier time with this extra "deep connection" garbadge--- this guy is HOT too..... He has no excuse--- not a tiny dick, tall, good looking,had a job and car-- I mean wtf? Why not just come right out and say you wanna fuck and that's it? UGH.
I am a Raver kid. I met my boy from last summer on the dance floor, I love HOUSE MUSIC. I was traumatized from my own culture, my music, I sold my turntables from DJing to pay for my CTB equiptment!!!----- I had panic attacks from hearing EDM music from commercials--- I cut myself off from all my DJ buddies, declined all private party invitations--- gained 100 pounds, broke my anckle while roller skating as a suggestion from my therapist to try somthing new and vowed I would never dance again.
Until I met a 6'2'' Latino sexy, seemingly considerate, playful, man who did all the things for a short time that I wanted from my perpetrator-lost-love from summer 2018. I was skeptical at first, but I decided to open up, I cried and he held me on our date, I told him about my past experince-- I told him plainly that it was something special that I was opening up to him to dance---I took out my old CDs and MP3 list of my DJ set that I played--- everything I had vowed to NEVER TOUCH AGAIN.
We made out----- We didn't have all the way sex, I wasn't ready for that- I was scared it would cause me to become too attached, he was amazing and have me heavy petting, kissing, massage, oral, for HOURS without demanding anything from me. But i was so happy and turned on I went down on him---- And I am damn good at it...lol. It felt so good to be held. It felt so good to wake up with a man in my bed. It felt so good to be looked at with such eagerness and delicateness, its all I ever wanted. AND I MEAN ALL. I felt like I could conquer anything in life if I had a partner. But now I knwo that is not in the cards for me in this life and so fuck the world. I will withhold my gifts from it , since it has withheld from me what makes me happy and what I need to survive. I refuse to me the workmule of the world for free, and slave.
Well, I have no idea WTF but after that night everything changed. No more "Buenos Dias Mami" texts. Everything trickled down to one 10 minute call per day in which his voice was flat, enemotional-- Like he was just cheking in on me to see what I was doing or who I was with----- I was like SERIOUSLY? LIKE WTF? I am floored. Honestly 98% of my soul was completely OBLITERATED from my trauma from last summer and so this gentleman only had about %2 to work with to crush. And he did. I was considering abandoning catching the bus, if like in a romance novel I would be "saved"- Its kinda like buying a lottery ticket- I knew my chances of winning was slim to none- that was my attitude when signing up on the app, you don't think your going to win, and shit its only a dollar, but imagine your shock if you get winning numbers.
I thought I had a winning ticket, but when I went to cash it in, I was informed that it was a fraudulent ticket. So oh well, I just wanted to announce my delay in boarding ym bus and reason why. When I posted that "SHIT JUST GOT REAL THE ROOM IS BOOKED" post I had booked a hotel room for TODAY VALENTINES DAY. So, now I sit here all alone surrounded by all the heart & flowers paraphnelia that represents what I feel that I am unworthy of in THIS WORLD and on top of that- I'm not in my hotel room with my method....
But I will be soon. The hotel I have chosen is very popular and I now have to wait to get a good price for a room as I want to die in luxury, so I have to book again for a minumum of 2 weeks out for me to be able to afford a 5 Star room. So I have no more bucket list items, no more hope of being "saved." Just need to try and be as comfortable as I can as I wait for my final day to come. And as promised, I will reveal my method and all the details right before I go. I had someone who agreed to do a Video Documentation for me, but I am not sure if they are stable enough to carry it out, so I am interested in those who might be interested in helping me with this.
I have to say, that I have done much work over this past year in preparing myself for death. The biggest is overcoming my religious indoctrination, I have found support in agnostic/athiest communities online and an organization called "Recovering from Religion"- Its a non profit online and if anyone has issues surrounding CTB and fears of hell I highly reccomend this resource.
So SS fam, I love you all and I am so grateful for this site. Also due to the threat that have come from publisized suicides like Callie Lewis and Shawn Shatto- I do not want my name added to the list so I will make sure my devices are wiped before I go because, this place is too important to be taken away from us.
My hope is to be gone by the first week of March. Soon finally, my suffering will be over. Love you all so much, if anyone needs support or anything from me please PM me.
Last edited:
