Help Today? Ugghh... maybe tomorrow

[Centerism]

Hey all,
I've been dealing with a serous doubt problem. I doubt my ability to sincerely react positivity to my own pain.

I have been dealing with suicidal ideation since I was 12. I'm 33 now. I've tied countless times to ctb. Butt I've always failed. I never knew forums like these existed, so I went on popular opinion that cutting your wrists, hanging yourself, medication overdose and even alcohol poisoning would successfully kill me. None of those worked and because out my attempts I've been committed more times than I can count.

I've been through since serous shit in my life. First I was sexually and physically abused as a child. Then I was outed as gay in my teens and got horrible results from it (family shunning me, threats, harassment and even being jumped close to death multiple times). The only daily member that supported me died from aids. My boyfriend of nine years died. All my friends slowly lost all contact with me. I've been my back and am crippled because of it. I cut and have scars all over my body (arms, legs, stomach, neck, even my face). And to top it all off I have a terminal disease that causes me debilitating pain... I just want out.

I've been looking for a partner in this. I think that's why I'm still here. I'm hoping to find trust and love in the end. That's something I crave as I'm sure some of you do too.

I keep telling myself, "Today I can manage, but thought will be my night." Then night comes and I say, "ok, I'll get some sleep and think about it tomorrow." Don't hey me wrong, the today, maybe tomorrow isn't me contemplating whether or not I want to ctb... It's simply me thinking of what would be best (with a partner, without a partner. By myself at night or in public during the day. Should I use h or f, or should I go traditional? Etc.).

I am a person who is loving at heart. I don't know why though because I simply can't be loved. Nobody finds mercy for me. That's why I want to take mercy into my own hands. I tend to spread positive emotion to anybody I feel needs it because I know I need it and if I need it than I'm sure other people need it too.

I love everybody here and I hope you all find peace in the end, whenever it may be.

Till then, today? Ughghhh... maybe tomorrow.

 

[Frank]

Take your time doing it when your heart isn't in it will only lower your chances at succes try to enjoy life as much as possible in the mean time

 

[oopswronglife]

Right on...you don't die any deader today than tomorrow so if today isn't 100% the time then nothing is lost. We tend to think "we cannot make it" or create some crazy scenario where will will never have another chance to stop living...but its not the reality. Go until you cannot or life ends on it's own...be good to others util then...and that's the best anyone can do.

 

[Centerism]

Right on...you don't die any deader today than tomorrow so if today isn't 100% the time then nothing is lost. We tend to think "we cannot make it" or create some crazy scenario where will will never have another chance to stop living...but its not the reality. Go until you cannot or life ends on it's own...be good to others util then...and that's the best anyone can do.

Thank you for your kind words. I know that I'm 100% ready. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. I've tried to live a good life and I'm awkward kind, caring, understanding and loving toward others. I know all my life I've wanted so bad, sooo bad, to have someone truly love me and to understand me. And honestly I found someone. He was a saint and for years we planned on how our mutual suicide would be the happiest day of our lives. Butt tragically, he died before we could reach that. He was violently ripped from my life... now I've gotten overt the loss, but I still feel empty. I don't know how to remedy that, and if I did I doubt I would have the energy to help myself. Although I know there's sometimes light at the other end of the tunnel I just don't have what it takes to reach that light. I'm so sick, physically and mentally that I just want thr suffering to stop.

 

[JimFord99]

Ye, time, place and mood must be right.

 

[Centerism]

Yes, yes and yes ;)

 

[HitchHiker]

I'm so sorry for all of what you have experienced. You sound like such a lovely person who doesn't deserve any of it and my heart truly breaks for you. Sending hugs x

 

[Centerism]

I'm so sorry for all of what you have experienced. You sound like such a lovely person who doesn't deserve any of it and my heart truly breaks for you. Sending hugs x

Thank you very much. I try to be good to people cause I know I crave love and understanding, so I give it out freely to others I think would be in the same frame of mind as me. I'd like to think I love all humanity, but I have seen the darkest parts that humanity has to offer. Do you know that the number of pedophiles in America exceeds the suicide rate in the top five countries in the world? That's sick. Not to mention the true psychopaths and sociopaths in this world. I've seen people pay 10000 us dollars to watch a person be tortured via live steam... wtf is wrong with people? And they say we're demented... yeah ok guys. Pro life my ass. Go find a true sicko to bother. Leave me and mine alone.

 

[HitchHiker]

Thank you very much. I try to be good to people cause I know I crave love and understanding, so I give it out freely to others I think would be in the same frame of mind as me. I'd like to think I love all humanity, but I have seen the darkest parts that humanity has to offer. Do you know that the number of pedophiles in America exceeds the suicide rate in the top five countries in the world? That's sick. Not to mention the true psychopaths and sociopaths in this world. I've seen people pay 10000 us dollars to watch a person be tortured via live steam... wtf is wrong with people? And they say we're demented... yeah ok guys. Pro life my ass. Go find a true sicko to bother. Leave me and mine alone.

They are some truly messed up people out there.

It's a shame there aren't more people like you around. It sounds like you will be a great loss to some people when you decide to leave.
I wish there was a chance of recovery for you.

 

[Centerism]

They are some truly messed up people out there.

It's a shame there aren't more people like you around. It sounds like you will be a great loss to some people when you decide to leave.
I wish there was a chance of recovery for you.

Thank you. I try to be as loving as I would like others to be to me. Your very nice for saying the things you said about me. People in this world aren't all bad. The problem is that our predicament is stigmatized in the general publics eye. Too bad we can't be open about our woes. I'm certain if people did understand us that they might be able to help us...

And hey, they're might be s chance at recovery for me. I have met some great people on this site and every day I get to talk to them (one just texted me right now ) I get a sense of peace that I've never had. So who knows

 

[scorpiooo2]

You sound really sweet I really truly hope this may get better for you. Nobody knows why these awful things happen to people who don't deserve them. I guess that's just how this messed up world works.
I hope you find peace in the end, whatever it may be that you choose to do. You sound like a great person. Keep trying to think positive towards others while also trying to be positive towards yourself and trust me I know that's really hard to do when you have so much hatred for yourself.
You should know that it isn't your fault. We can't take the blame for other people's actions.
I wish you the best of luck