Today might be it

[HillebrandC12B]

Hey long time lurker here, i just wanted to say thank you to everybody for all the information. Ive tried to rebuild what i could from my life, and it just hasnt been working.the only omfort i get s thinking of CTB, and the ways i can. I think ive settled on partial, I can deal with a few seconds of pain if its nothingness that awaits me this isnt a goodbye thread. Thank you guys for everything

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Please be careful. Things might not go the way you expect them to. It's your choice but why not stick around and talk to people here? What has brought you to this position?

 

[HillebrandC12B]

Please be careful. Things might not go the way you expect them to. It's your choice but why not stick around and talk to people here? What has brought you to this position?

I know things typically dont go my way in the first place, and ive only tried partial once, it seems like it would work when im actually ready too. I come on this forum daily, but its mostly because knowing my way out gives me the comfort. And researching does too. Ive held off for 7 years, have an indirect attempt and two other attempts, but i just dont think i can hold on anymore.

 

[Deathbydemo]

Do you have a plan for when? I wish you peace for whatever you decide. Remember there are always people here, myself included, that are willing to listen, no matter how big or small the problem may seem.

 

[MysticPerception]

Well if you go through with it I hope you aren't found as I've heard there can be some nasty consequences. I hope you find peace and can be free from your suffering as well.

 

[HillebrandC12B]

Im feeling more impulsive today than I normally do, I start a new job tomorrow, my vehicle is broke down, have no way to get there, girlfriend told me she wasnt in love with my anymore. On a fucking holiday. Its just when everything starts to look up, it goes right back down. I lost my home, the girl i wanted to be with, my job, my car. And there is no one to help. The ups, are not worth going through the downs, and i just feel like id rather be gone than continue this train wreck. We all have to die eventually, whether it be 80, 21,24,46, its innevitable and i just dont see the point in prolonging the pain anymore.
I always tell my self that when things get bad, to just change them, do everything you can to change all of it, feelings, job, home. But I am tired of doing it. Im tired of starting over, not being able to connect to anybody.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I'm so sorry things are tough. I'm glad you are at least venting out your frustrations here, we are all non-judgemental and are here to listen. Do you have any other way to get to your new job?

 

[HillebrandC12B]

I just got a way to get to it. It may be able to get me to hold off a little bit. But i still feel like tonight is just going to be awful to get through. It doesnt help i have back issues and can hardly ever sleep.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I am so glad you found a way to get to your new job. This could be the new start that you need in order to reconsider CTB. If you find tonight hard to get through, you can chat/vent away here. I will also find tonight hard to get through. I pretty much never sleep now so I'm here a lot.

 

[HillebrandC12B]

Im on the forum like 98% of the time, as sad as that is to say. I normallt go a couple days without sleeo then pass out whenever im forced too. Some medication helps, but it normally just has too many side effects to work effectively.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I'm glad you're here though, it's a great outlet. Also speaking to like-minded people helps too. I don't think anyone who doesn't want to end their life can possibly understand how painful life is for us every day. Can I ask, do you have any family that care about you?

 

[HillebrandC12B]

I have straight up told my mom, i got kicked out of my exs house, still havent gotten a reason for that. So i said well i need to be around family maybe thatll keep me from doing something. But my parents dont see suicide the way we do. All she said was i was being a coward. And still hasnt talked to me about it since.

 

[MachinaArcana]

Life is giving you a raw deal right now. The situation/mess you are currently in - it sucks, period. And I feel sorry for you, because you're obviously in a lot of distress at this very moment. I just think you should tread very carefully when it comes to making the final decision to ctb. Try to reach out to others (here, or elsewhere) to at least talk about it. I'm not a native speaker (Dutch) but feel free to drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you.

 

[HillebrandC12B]

I just feel a complete calm about CTBing tonight. Its just im not alone until night time, or i wouldve tried already. Im trying to talk myself down and talk to other people too, but im literally sitting here on my couch while my family is having dinner at the table and they havent spoke to me once. Im just the outcast. Always have been. I dont understand how people who love you can just, not care. Or leave. Thats fucking shit. And im done dealing with it. I wouldnt say my decision would be to punish them, but its not neccesarily a negative in my mind.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Good luck

 

[Deathbydemo]

I have straight up told my mom, i got kicked out of my exs house, still havent gotten a reason for that. So i said well i need to be around family maybe thatll keep me from doing something. But my parents dont see suicide the way we do. All she said was i was being a coward. And still hasnt talked to me about it since.

I'm so sorry your parents don't understand. They don't sound like are much help or support for you. They probably do care but perhaps are the types that don't know how to show it? Sending you positive thoughts.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. My family was always too preoccupied with their own issues to show any interest in mine, so I know that "outcast" feeling very well. Have you told them that their treatment of you has nothing to do with love? Maybe pointing that out could jar a bit of caring loose ...

I'm glad you'll be able to get to your new job, and I hope it turns out to be a good change in your life. x

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

A gentle suggestion to perhaps link your newest thread in a comment here so folks have an update if following, or if a comment bumps this thread over the newest one (like I just did...oops).

 

[HillebrandC12B]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pushing-the-date-back-again.32283/