Story Today is the last day I can ask for help.

[UnnervedCompany]

Im getting family visiting tonight but I am not sure if I should outright say I need help or not. I am afraid of death but I hate this existence and I am not even sure what they can do for me except take me to a hospital. Every decision is painful and I am scared to act on anything. My brain has been pretty much malfunctioning for the past week or so. I am bed ridden, have quit doing anything even things that I considered would be nice for copping. I have no motivation to do anything except struggle against my intrusive thoughts. I still don't know if I have OCD or not but I doubt that matters anymore. If I do decide to ask for help tonight and my family actually helps me I am going to permanently leave this website. I want this event to be my all or nothing. If nothing happens tonight I will be staying lol.

 

[Dot]

Imo if othr optn = deth thn u shld try pssble optns 1st if u r considrng thm bcse u cnnt try thm aftr

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish, whether you leave or stay with us.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

Imo if othr optn = deth thn u shld try pssble optns 1st if u r considrng thm bcse u cnnt try thm aftr

I know but I hate this life so much that I am not sure if I want to be "saved."

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the relief from suffering you search for.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

If you've never given it a chance, talk to them. Maybe don't be abrasive and say "I want to ctb". But explain to them how hard it is being in your mind all the time and where you're at mentally as of now. It's always worth it to attempt to get help. Some people can really benefit from it! CTB is a very last resort and you can not reverse it if it works.
I truly hope you're able to find the help that you want because you don't seem like you're ready for that final step. Be open minded because therapy might seem stupid at first (and some of it really is). Good luck, I'm rooting for ya :)

 

[MidnightCat]

I know but I hate this life so much that I am not sure if I want to be "saved."

Imho.. Dot is right. We should always try first all our options before ctb.

You never know if some of them may even help you find joy in living, and.. if they don't work, you'll always have the last bullet, ctb.

A rule of thumb I use when I'm not sure if I want to do something is: If I'm thinking about it, most probably is the thing I want to do it, even when my poisoned thoughts try to cloud my mind. So..if you're doubting, I would go for it.

I know but I hate this life so much that I am not sure if I want to be "saved."

BTW, if it helps.. I'll explain to you what my therapist said to me once I said more or less the same thing.

-Do you imagine an animal, wanting to die?

They don't want to die, they have a survival instinct, they'll do whatever needed to keep going another day.

And we may think we're so intelligent, but we're just animals.

If your mind is telling you you don't want to be alive, it's playing tricks on you, it's not "you" -the animal- talking, but your illness or suffering.