Venting Today is my Birthday. It was supposed to be the day.

[Natty]

I've been planning to CTB today for such a long time and I was so ready to do it but I made a lot of mistakes leading up to it and now I am really kicking myself.

Since last November I have known that today was going to be the day, but I made the mistake of letting my worsening depression and anxiety lead me to pick a fight with my spouse. That led to me spilling the beans and telling her I was going to end things today. We had a near 6 hour long fight that was wrought with emotions and this morning I was so beaten down that I told her I would try and hang on.

She came home today and just sat there like nothing had happened, she completely ignored everything and just sat around. I even prepared her a lovely lunch and made her coffee and tried to just suck it up and give it as much as I could muster and after I let my depression show for one moment she just left me to drown. She always does this and it genuinely to me feels unfair. I know when I am feeling good and putting on a brave face that I am fun to be around, that I can be kind and jovial and enjoyable to interact with, but again, as soon as I slip up or let it show that I am struggling she completely abandons me and watching as my world collapses. It's these little failures and gestures that show me that she doesn't have the faculties or willpower to help me.

The issue here is that I put all of my eggs in this basket and I've moved to her home country and bought an apartment here. I have no other choice but to CTB, because moving back to the US at my age after being a NEET for so many years just isn't something I want to engage in.

There is a point here in all of this venting, maybe a few. It might only hit home for a few people but they are important to me and hopefully some of you.

The first one is that I know a lot of you here are lonely and believe that romantic affection will solve all of your problems, but this is patently false. It glosses over them for a time but if anything the focus you put on the other person during the first few months/years allows the damage inside to live and fester, and when it shows up again it can be worse and cause collateral damage. It's not a solution, it just feels like it because almost all of our brains are wired to see the greener grass and feel like we can never get over that fence to walk on it.

Secondly, every patient partner has a limit. My wife still says all of the right things (at times) but she has almost never wanted to put in the effort to deal with the magnitude of the mental health issues I face and she has been rapidly declining in her helpfulness and effort to the point where most of the time I slip up her reactions are so poor it genuinely feels as though she is pushing me to CTB. When those you love get desperate enough they will say anything to get you to pretend like things are fine, but they will almost never back up these promises. My wife at this point has become so soulless and pathological with her platitudes that she will make a promise to help and then break it within an hour. I know many of you have had parents or other loved ones that have done the same. How any times has a parent found out about your plans to CTB and lied through their teeth about "helping"? I'm guessing for a few of you this a story you're familiar with.

Finally, if your resolve is sure then there will come a time when you need to keep things close to the vest, this is an emotional choice all around and you should definitely seek help and assistance if at all possible. That being said, if you cannot cope with the struggle, if you just can't fight anymore and all other options have been tested and attempted and you have no other choice, there comes a time when you have to rely on yourself and be careful with your emotions and who you let in.

 

[summers]

@Natty I agree romance will not solve people's problems. But I think meeting new people, both as friends and romantically, can make people feel better, and reevaluate their ctb plans. Nothing wrong with a temporary high, just have to be careful with expectations.

 

[Natty]

@Natty I agree romance will not solve people's problems. But I think meeting new people, both as friends and romantically, can make people feel better, and reevaluate their ctb plans. Nothing wrong with a temporary high, just have to be careful with expectations.

I absolutely agree, I just worry when I see people here talk about things in terms of of love and romantic affection being the solution. Before my mental health situation worsened I was in rehab for alcohol abuse and then volunteered at rehab centers and unsurprisingly, there was a lot of mental health issues there. What was worrying is how many people in 1 on 1 discussions would tell me that they just needed a girlfriend to solve their problems. I kept in touch with a lot of them and almost always relationships worsened things long-term.

 

[summers]

@Natty excellent point. Anyone who thinks a gf/bf will solve their problems doesn't quite understand that problem which originate from within (the phyche), can only be solved by the person. In your case, it's like an alcoholic saying that they would stop drinking if they had a gf. That's not the way it works - you need to stop drinking for yourself, then worry about getting a gf.

 

[WornOutLife]

First of all, HAPPY B-DAY! I know it's not your best day but hey, try to do any small thing to celebrate (for example, eating a yummy cheeseburger lol)

I agree with many things you've said and I'm really sorry you're going through so much.
As for love, well, it's a complex thing. I think it can help lots but won't be "the magic solution".
For instance, I'm feeling much better and less suicidal but I know I'm not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. Sure, being with a girl will help me but first I gotta love myself.

Anyway, wish you the best!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[NodusTollens]

Sorry to hear that you're suffering in silence OP. I understand the crushing weight of having promised someone you would be there to support them, when you actually want to CTB. It's caused many a sleepless nights. I wish a better situation for you, I hope whatever you decide you can find peace of mind.

@Natty excellent point. Anyone who thinks a gf/bf will solve their problems doesn't quite understand that problem which originate from within (the phyche), can only be solved by the person. In your case, it's like an alcoholic saying that they would stop drinking if they had a gf. That's not the way it works - you need to stop drinking for yourself, then worry about getting a gf.

I 100% agree. I haven't dated since late 2017 for that reason. I wanted to heal myself, so that when I started dating again, that I would be ready to potentially settle down in a healthy relationship (for once).

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

It's true. I think if I had never been in a relationship, I would also have a crazy deep desire for one and think it's all I would need. It definitely can help, especially in the beginning but there is a reason they call it the honeymoon stage. I think a lot of people are very disillusioned when that wears off. Everyone is different though, so maybe there are people whose only problem is that they're single. I just feel like if being single makes you want to kill yourself, then there is something else at play as well.. but I could be wrong.

And happy birthday! Sorry that it's such a bad one :(

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme you can have a permanent honeymoon if you keep your relationships casual. Depends if you want stability or prefer to meet new people. There are pros and cons to each lifestyle.

 

[Sasoe04]

I've been planning to CTB today for such a long time and I was so ready to do it but I made a lot of mistakes leading up to it and now I am really kicking myself.

Since last November I have known that today was going to be the day, but I made the mistake of letting my worsening depression and anxiety lead me to pick a fight with my spouse. That led to me spilling the beans and telling her I was going to end things today. We had a near 6 hour long fight that was wrought with emotions and this morning I was so beaten down that I told her I would try and hang on.

She came home today and just sat there like nothing had happened, she completely ignored everything and just sat around. I even prepared her a lovely lunch and made her coffee and tried to just suck it up and give it as much as I could muster and after I let my depression show for one moment she just left me to drown. She always does this and it genuinely to me feels unfair. I know when I am feeling good and putting on a brave face that I am fun to be around, that I can be kind and jovial and enjoyable to interact with, but again, as soon as I slip up or let it show that I am struggling she completely abandons me and watching as my world collapses. It's these little failures and gestures that show me that she doesn't have the faculties or willpower to help me.

The issue here is that I put all of my eggs in this basket and I've moved to her home country and bought an apartment here. I have no other choice but to CTB, because moving back to the US at my age after being a NEET for so many years just isn't something I want to engage in.

There is a point here in all of this venting, maybe a few. It might only hit home for a few people but they are important to me and hopefully some of you.

The first one is that I know a lot of you here are lonely and believe that romantic affection will solve all of your problems, but this is patently false. It glosses over them for a time but if anything the focus you put on the other person during the first few months/years allows the damage inside to live and fester, and when it shows up again it can be worse and cause collateral damage. It's not a solution, it just feels like it because almost all of our brains are wired to see the greener grass and feel like we can never get over that fence to walk on it.

Secondly, every patient partner has a limit. My wife still says all of the right things (at times) but she has almost never wanted to put in the effort to deal with the magnitude of the mental health issues I face and she has been rapidly declining in her helpfulness and effort to the point where most of the time I slip up her reactions are so poor it genuinely feels as though she is pushing me to CTB. When those you love get desperate enough they will say anything to get you to pretend like things are fine, but they will almost never back up these promises. My wife at this point has become so soulless and pathological with her platitudes that she will make a promise to help and then break it within an hour. I know many of you have had parents or other loved ones that have done the same. How any times has a parent found out about your plans to CTB and lied through their teeth about "helping"? I'm guessing for a few of you this a story you're familiar with.

Finally, if your resolve is sure then there will come a time when you need to keep things close to the vest, this is an emotional choice all around and you should definitely seek help and assistance if at all possible. That being said, if you cannot cope with the struggle, if you just can't fight anymore and all other options have been tested and attempted and you have no other choice, there comes a time when you have to rely on yourself and be careful with your emotions and who you let in.

Happy birthday!!!!

 

[Nicothe13th]

Happy birthday bud, sorry about how you're feeling.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

@ohhgeeitsme you can have a permanent honeymoon if you keep your relationships casual. Depends if you want stability or prefer to meet new people. There are pros and cons to each lifestyle.

That would definitely prolong it, but I'd imagine the people wanting to kill themselves because they're single probably aren't the kind of people who would go for a casual or more distant relationship. Maybe I'm wrong though.

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme I wasn't specifically referring to people on ss or with mental health issues. Just that, especially as one gets older, you find two groups of people. Those with more stable lives - spouses, kids, own a house, and those with a more materialistic life (for lack of a better term) - short term relationships, mobile in terms of housing and jobs, newer cars and toys.

That second lifestyle can feel pretty lonely sometimes, probably to the point that while it seems like fun, someone who needs support won't get it.

 

[Symbiote]

Do we have the same wives? Arguments are always draining and makes both people feel shitty afterwards. I know my wife means well half the time and is mean the other half of the time, whether it's a coping mechanism on her part to give me tough love and not allow herself to be vulnerable with me. If you've been in enough arguments and fights, you know that there's a lot shit going inside her head that she's not really in the present. Just like when you have a lot of shit in your head, you're not present either. I did the whole put up a strong face, make her dinner, and hug her, but she is not there yet. As the day goes on, it gets better until the next big blow up.

As for suicide and our thoughts on it, my wife does the whole platitude thing, tells me life is beautiful, and that I'm so fucking stupid for even thinking of taking my own life. She's ignorant to mental health and believes that your mind is just lazy or you're faking it to be manipulative or get out of things. I don't share much with her anymore after some of the negative reactions I've received. If I do share, I definitely make sure my guard is up in case she blows up at me for sharing vulnerable feelings. I will eventually CTB, maybe next week, next month, I don't intend to live past my birthday and I think she'll be fine afterwards. She'll find a nice caring man that will give her the world and I'm okay with that because I couldn't even give her the basic necessities in life.

Also, happy birthday man!

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

@ohhgeeitsme I wasn't specifically referring to people on ss or with mental health issues. Just that, especially as one gets older, you find two groups of people. Those with more stable lives - spouses, kids, own a house, and those with a more materialistic life (for lack of a better term) - short term relationships, mobile in terms of housing and jobs, newer cars and toys.

That second lifestyle can feel pretty lonely sometimes, probably to the point that while it seems like fun, someone who needs support won't get it.

Lol I don't even fit into either one of those groups.

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme if your profile pic is actually you, you look very young. Too young to worry about about falling into one of those categories.

One thing I will say is that in my life, I often see people in the stable group are envious of the materialistic group. I rarely (like never) see it the other way around.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

@ohhgeeitsme if your profile pic is actually you, you look very young. Too young to worry about about falling into one of those categories.

One thing I will say is that in my life, I often see people in the stable group are envious of the materialistic group. I rarely (like never) see it the other way around.

I'm 34, but I'm not worried about it.. just commenting on it. I was married for 5 years, but we lived together for 8, so felt like we were married for 8. That was almost five years ago. I'm now single, and fine with it. I don't want children, even though I do love kids. I don't care too much about materialistic things either, so don't feel much envy for those who have more than me in that sense.. which is a good thing because I lost most of my belongings a year ago ha.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I don't believe a good relationship will save me for a second but I do think it would help me find some peace before I left since it's something I've never had before.

My wife at this point has become so soulless and pathological with her platitudes that she will make a promise to help and then break it within an hour. I know many of you have had parents or other loved ones that have done the same. How any times has a parent found out about your plans to CTB and lied through their teeth about "helping"? I'm guessing for a few of you this a story you're familiar with.

I told a sibling a few weeks ago that I was going to end my life and they said that they'd help me so I wouldn't feel like I needed to go through with it. I literally told them specifically what would help me the most and they pushed their own version of help which I refused and it has been crickets ever since. It almost seems rather pointless to talk about suicide or ask for genuine help from regular people that have never dealt with anything more than brief suicidal thoughts since it's unlikely they'll understand or that you'll be taken seriously.

 

[Stolen Absolution]

@Natty I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I've always been one to keep my suicidal ideation to myself, but as I became more depressed (not sure how that was even possible), I spoke openly a few times to my husband about how bad I was actually feeling. Instead of being met with a reaction of love, concern, and understanding I was met with rage. I've been called "pathetic," a "coward" and had shit thrown around the room for not feeling able to continue on living.

In hindsight, I think he reacted the way he did because he was scared and desperate for me to feel differently. At the same time, I can understand why you feel the way you do. You mentioned being ignored afterward. I've experienced that one as well. Watching someone distance themselves from you after you bare your soul in such a way is devastating.

I've had to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. It's easy to feel hurt by our loved ones when they let us down in these high-stake situations, but I've also come to realize that being married to someone with long-standing mental illness isn't easy either. I can't speak for your situation, but I'm sure it's draining to be married to someone like me.

I really agree with your point regarding romance not being a solution. I've experienced abandonment and loneliness in my marriage. If anything, it's taught me how much I'm truly on my own, emotionally. Not every relationship is the same and may not face the challenges you and I have with ours, but I used to say that once upon a time about my own.

Happy Birthday. I'm sorry you're feeling so let down and unsupported by your wife. I swear, if I could fix everyone's problems on this site, I would. Reading everyone's stories day in and day out breaks my heart because I identify with a lot of the hurt people are carrying. I hope your day turns out better than you anticipated. Let me know if you need to talk.