Today I realized I really am alone and no one cares

[kunikuzushi]

I deserve it though.

My partner can't handle me anymore and is shocked at how horrible of a person I am. Yesterday, I begged them to talk to me and told them I was panicking and needed to die and they left me for 8 hours to go have fun without me (understandable. I'm awful.) Today, my best friend of 13 years who I view as family just hit me with a "that sounds like a lot to go through. I'm going to sleep" after I went to his room crying, asking for help with a sudden anxiety attack.

Everyone is sick of me, and I don't blame them. I laugh at myself for staying alive because I didn't want to make them sad. I'm free now I guess. I can die whenever I want. Everyone is done with me. I don't have to feel guilty.

 

[dauntra17]

I relate to this so hard. My significant other got overwhelmed by my panic attacks, and asked for a a two day break then cheated on me. At first, all I could think was that I'm awful and deserved it. And I still do think that, but it's more peaceful. This is just a story that keeps replaying itself and I have enough love and mercy for myself to get off the ride. I drive people away. And I too have lost everyone very quickly, and feel as if I have no ties left to this world.

However I do care about you, as much as an online stranger can. And you're not alone in feeling this way.

 

[SVEN]

It's a hard one when this realisation finally hits us. Best wishes.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I relate to this so hard. My significant other got overwhelmed by my panic attacks, and asked for a a two day break then cheated on me. At first, all I could think was that I'm awful and deserved it. And I still do think that, but it's more peaceful. This is just a story that keeps replaying itself and I have enough love and mercy for myself to get off the ride. I drive people away. And I too have lost everyone very quickly, and feel as if I have no ties left to this world.

However I do care about you, as much as an online stranger can. And you're not alone in feeling this way.

I'm really sorry you can relate. And I'm sorry all this keeps happening to you. You really don't deserve it. I'm sorry you've had to lose so much too. Thank you for your kind words.

It's a hard one when this realisation finally hits us. Best wishes.

Yep thank you and best wishes to you too

 

[username12345]

You mentioned you were upset about them being away for 8 hours, but all relationships need space. Maybe that's why your friend went to sleep unless your boyfriend and friends are literally never there for you. I feel like it's an opportunity to take some time for yourself and maybe go to a park or eat some food or talk to a counselor online. The point of social support is having more than one person you can talk to or finding more resources cause people can't be your main source of mental stability no matter how much they care because otherwise that makes them codependent for you which isn't healthy. So if you try to talk to different people at different times and try to develop more coping mechanisms this will help even things out and keep both you and other people from being really overwhelmed. Everyone needs space and especially if you are really having a panic attack, probably a mental health online resource will be better than a friend that doesn't know anything about mental health.

 

[kunikuzushi]

You mentioned you were upset about them being away for 8 hours, but all relationships need space. Maybe that's why your friend went to sleep unless your boyfriend and friends are literally never there for you. I feel like it's an opportunity to take some time for yourself and maybe go to a park or eat some food or talk to a counselor online. The point of social support is having more than one person you can talk to or finding more resources cause people can't be your main source of mental stability no matter how much they care because otherwise that makes them codependent for you which isn't healthy. So if you try to talk to different people at different times and try to develop more coping mechanisms this will help even things out and keep both you and other people from being really overwhelmed. Everyone needs space and especially if you are really having a panic attack, probably a mental health online resource will be better than a friend that doesn't know anything about mental health.

You don't really know anything about my relationship. I'm the one who needs constant space and my partner (not boyfriend, not male. I'm also not a woman if you assumed that) has been pressuring me every day to stop pulling away so much and to spend more time with them. I was having a crisis at the time and felt abandoned. I'm the one who asks for too much time for myself and completely isolates myself. Plus I already know I'm a horrible person and have the worst personality disorders that make me a nightmare to be around.
I don't need social support or resources or coping mechanisms. I'm going to kill myself soon. And I don't know why you said if I'm "really" having a panic attack. I know what panic attacks are and I've discussed it with mental health professionals. I didn't ask for your opinion on what my partner and friend think about me.

 

[username12345]

You don't really know anything about my relationship. I'm the one who needs constant space and my partner (not boyfriend, not male. I'm also not a woman if you assumed that) has been pressuring me every day to stop pulling away so much and to spend more time with them. I was having a crisis at the time and felt abandoned. I'm the one who asks for too much time for myself and completely isolates myself. Plus I already know I'm a horrible person and have the worst personality disorders that make me a nightmare to be around.
I don't need social support or resources or coping mechanisms. I'm going to kill myself soon. And I don't know why you said if I'm "really" having a panic attack. I know what panic attacks are and I've discussed it with mental health professionals. I didn't ask for your opinion on what my partner and friend think about me.

Okay sorry partner but you still get the point. I didn't say you didn't know what panic attacks are just that you need to try to talk to mental health resources more if you want better support. Regular people in your life aren't always going to know how to respond to a mental health crisis.

 

[drug]

A lot of people only seem to care after something drastic happens, such as a suicide attempt. Even then that caring faded for me and just went back to normalcy after sometime like it never happened.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Okay sorry partner but you still get the point. I didn't say you didn't know what panic attacks are just that you need to try to talk to mental health resources more if you want better support. Regular people in your life aren't always going to know how to respond to a mental health crisis.

I don't need better support. I'm going to die anyway. Also when I mention my search for a therapist who specializes in my problems, my partner always urges me to talk to them instead. Which is why I was hurt that they left when they said they want to help me with every problem and I'm always like, no you won't be able to help me in the way a professional will. So I do agree with what you're saying. I just am done with life.

 

[username12345]

I don't need better support. I'm going to die anyway. Also when I mention my search for a therapist who specializes in my problems, my partner always urges me to talk to them instead. Which is why I was hurt that they left when they said they want to help me with every problem and I'm always like, no you won't be able to help me in the way a professional will. So I do agree with what you're saying. I just am done with life.

Yeah that doesn't make sense that your partner wants to be your therapist and then is not actually there for you. Do you think your life would be better if you just broke up with them?

 

[MidnightCat]

This thoughts are always so messy...


I'll start with: I understand you, I feel you.

You don't seem like an awful person, you just seem to be as lost as we're here, despair is not easy to live with and a lot of people simply won't have to go thought this, so they won't understand.

I also get the feeling of being a burden when you try to vent with someone, after all... I do sound like a broken record, playing again and again the same words, the same feelings, the same thoughts. And... Let's not lie ourselves, people get sick of it.

They don't seem like the kind of people you need around you, so ask yourself if you want to keep them around.

Again, you're not awful and if you did not make something really awful... You deserve to be loved.

If you think like I usually do about myself... Let me be a little crude and clear: It's not a crime that we where born, it's not a burden for us to keep living. We may feel like that, but that's not true.

It'll sound cliché, but if you're capable of... Love yourself. And give you the opportunity to be around people that make you feel better.

Although most of us here want to end it all... I wish you find a better alternative.

 

[Danby]

I think when I realized that the only person I can truly count on in this world is me the loneliness got a little easier. But only a little. :-(

 

[bringerofdestrution]

I am currently going through exactly what you are. My partner abandoned me after a failed attempt to CTB after saying he would always be here for me, but left when I truly needed him. I'm currently having to rely on family who I haven't spoken to I'm 15 years for very complicated reasons which is making me feel worse. Currently waiting on when I can get hold of my next prescriptions so that I can OD, but waiting on that feels like agony. Even though you have made your mind up (much like I have) if you'd like to speak to someone in a very similar situation, you can always PM me x

 

[kunikuzushi]

A lot of people only seem to care after something drastic happens, such as a suicide attempt. Even then that caring faded for me and just went back to normalcy after sometime like it never happened.

I agree. I'm sorry you've had to deal with something like this too

This thoughts are always so messy...


I'll start with: I understand you, I feel you.

You don't seem like an awful person, you just seem to be as lost as we're here, despair is not easy to live with and a lot of people simply won't have to go thought this, so they won't understand.

I also get the feeling of being a burden when you try to vent with someone, after all... I do sound like a broken record, playing again and again the same words, the same feelings, the same thoughts. And... Let's not lie ourselves, people get sick of it.

They don't seem like the kind of people you need around you, so ask yourself if you want to keep them around.

Again, you're not awful and if you did not make something really awful... You deserve to be loved.

If you think like I usually do about myself... Let me be a little crude and clear: It's not a crime that we where born, it's not a burden for us to keep living. We may feel like that, but that's not true.

It'll sound cliché, but if you're capable of... Love yourself. And give you the opportunity to be around people that make you feel better.

Although most of us here want to end it all... I wish you find a better alternative.

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I have done awful things and I'm too tired to keep trying to improve. I do have an appointment with a new therapist in a few weeks, but at this point I'm too tired to put in any more work into not being a bad person. I already know I'm the problem, not the other people. But thank you again for listening and for your advice. Sorry you're feeling bad things too and wish you the best

I think when I realized that the only person I can truly count on in this world is me the loneliness got a little easier. But only a little. :-(

Yeah I want to be ok with relying only on myself. Sorry you're feeling this rough loneliness. At least we have this place

I am currently going through exactly what you are. My partner abandoned me after a failed attempt to CTB after saying he would always be here for me, but left when I truly needed him. I'm currently having to rely on family who I haven't spoken to I'm 15 years for very complicated reasons which is making me feel worse. Currently waiting on when I can get hold of my next prescriptions so that I can OD, but waiting on that feels like agony. Even though you have made your mind up (much like I have) if you'd like to speak to someone in a very similar situation, you can always PM me x

I'm so sorry. It's really difficult going through someone leaving. And I feel you on the family thing. That's my biggest nightmare because I also haven't talked to my family in about 13 years. I'm sorry you're going through so much. And thank you so much, I'm also here to pm if you ever need someone to talk to.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yeah, I had that realization about 3 years ago. Kinda sucks.

 

[FlufflesAway]

A lot of people only seem to care after something drastic happens, such as a suicide attempt. Even then that caring faded for me and just went back to normalcy after sometime like it never happened.

Performative motions for others to socially indicate that they're not void of empathy. Whether they are actually...

I do wonder if everyone is miserable and on the cusp of suicide, but they all pretend they're ok/content/happy. So when someone else exhibits... issues... they find it too uncomfortable to address. Or it's so alien to them they don't know what to do.

Like, I don't know what to say to all the people here. Life is miserable? Yea, I agree.