Venting Today I realized I must kill myself

[The Disqualified]

Today I took a stroll through human society. I saw everything. I was lost, vulnerable, uncomfortable. In a very bad mental space. And then...
The unthinkable happened... the unthinkable happened... the unthinkable happened...

All time stopped. Everything felt small. I remembered then everything, everything. I remembered everything. The unthinkable happened.
I saw it. And what they did... Was not bad, was good. But it hurt me more than anything bad could ever hurt.
I threw my life away. Bad choices. I am not normal. Not a human being. I cannot function in human society.
I am paralyzed. I will cry myself to sleep. I must kill myself. I must kill myself. I don't know how I will sleep tonight. I don't know. I must kill myself...

 

[rabbitjack]

What did you see? One event, no matter how bad it is, doesn't have to define your life.

I wish you could be clearer, so people can share their opinions with you on your situation.

 

[The Disqualified]

I cannot go into much detail. There were people, I knew them. But it is not about them. It is about what they made me remember.
They reminded me of all lost opportunities. They radiated happiness, social life, integration, vitality.
While I radiated misery, isolation, alienation and decay.
They were people I could have been closer to, but lost opportunities. They were happy.
They reminded me the brutal reality: they have social lives, they meet people, they have a future, they date, they tell stories. They are normal human beings.
I am a failure barely scraping by in life. I don't live the life of a normal person, this is why I am on this forum. I don't have a normal life, my life is miserable and all the past trauma cripples me and haunts me day and night.
Normal people don't go here. I can't take life like this. It is too painful, too painful.
I am just venting. I am thankful to anyone that may want to listen.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

You can find pride in your uniqueness. :)
We might be the minority, we might be weird here..
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy life in our own way.
Doesn't mean we can't meet other people or date or whatever if we want to :)
Yeah it may take longer for us than for normies but its far from impossible.

 

[rabbitjack]

I cannot go into much detail. There were people, I knew them. But it is not about them. It is about what they made me remember.
They reminded me of all lost opportunities. They radiated happiness, social life, integration, vitality.
While I radiated misery, isolation, alienation and decay.
They were people I could have been closer to, but lost opportunities. They were happy.
They reminded me the brutal reality: they have social lives, they meet people, they have a future, they date, they tell stories. They are normal human beings.
I am a failure barely scraping by in life. I don't live the life of a normal person, this is why I am on this forum. I don't have a normal life, my life is miserable and all the past trauma cripples me and haunts me day and night.
Normal people don't go here. I can't take life like this. It is too painful, too painful.
I am just venting. I am thankful to anyone that may want to listen.

I know what you mean.
I experience the same thing due to mental illness and meds. The brain is not functioning normally, and is all the time depressed and isolated. Is that the same with you?
When you see other people radiating the opposite energy, that of joy, it hurts inside, because you wonder what you did to deserve such pain. For me, substance abuse hindered my normal functioning and growth into being a normal human being. But it seems we don't have second chances in this life.
I've endured this mental pain for at least 10 years, because I'm mainly scared of God's punishment.
Is your experience similar?