Last night I broke down at 4am. Without warning, started hearing screaming in my head that was in my own voice. It was in as much pain as I feel every day, and I recognized that pain as though it weren't ME crying. When I had that thought, I couldn't help but cry because I couldn't hug myself and null that pain. I realize I was likely just indulging in some sick self-pity fantasy, but it helped me understand what my pain looked like from the outside. It hurt deep.
Fast forward to today, I was driving to work, listening to a song on the radio when "The Hero" by Battle Beast came on. Battle Beast is fucking inspiring to me and I needed that pick-me-up. But then I drove past a small business and the sign was up saying "You are the only one who can change your life, no one else can save you." and I immediately let that fury over my situation, my upbringing and choices, my bullies and bosses all out at once in several LOUD vicious screams. I'm pretty sure I screwed my throat over it. I felt all that pain from last night, that screaming I heard was the EXACT same as I gave. I didn't feel that pain though, I felt anger. I decided even if I am an atheist, I'm gonna make it my mission to be the kind of person who can get better. I'm going to take all the control away from my enemies, from the path of life that I've put myself on. I'm used to small moments of inspiration like this, I know it's temporary, but I"m going to make the steps necessary to keep this feeling. I've begun to look for D&D groups to socialize with (D&D is the only thing I can think of that social people do). I've applied to jobs and reworked my resume, I sent texts to my remaining few friends telling them I love them. I can't keep myself in my head like this anymore, I don't believe I should have to be the one to change, but if I'm going to be a better man then SOMETHING has to change. If anything, I'll learn to love myself, if not for myself then for that version of me I heard screaming. I'm sorry for the melodramatic post, I think this was mostly for me.
I love you guys, please don't let me let you down.
PS: Yeah, I think I'm serious. I just threw out my SN and AE
Fast forward to today, I was driving to work, listening to a song on the radio when "The Hero" by Battle Beast came on. Battle Beast is fucking inspiring to me and I needed that pick-me-up. But then I drove past a small business and the sign was up saying "You are the only one who can change your life, no one else can save you." and I immediately let that fury over my situation, my upbringing and choices, my bullies and bosses all out at once in several LOUD vicious screams. I'm pretty sure I screwed my throat over it. I felt all that pain from last night, that screaming I heard was the EXACT same as I gave. I didn't feel that pain though, I felt anger. I decided even if I am an atheist, I'm gonna make it my mission to be the kind of person who can get better. I'm going to take all the control away from my enemies, from the path of life that I've put myself on. I'm used to small moments of inspiration like this, I know it's temporary, but I"m going to make the steps necessary to keep this feeling. I've begun to look for D&D groups to socialize with (D&D is the only thing I can think of that social people do). I've applied to jobs and reworked my resume, I sent texts to my remaining few friends telling them I love them. I can't keep myself in my head like this anymore, I don't believe I should have to be the one to change, but if I'm going to be a better man then SOMETHING has to change. If anything, I'll learn to love myself, if not for myself then for that version of me I heard screaming. I'm sorry for the melodramatic post, I think this was mostly for me.
I love you guys, please don't let me let you down.
PS: Yeah, I think I'm serious. I just threw out my SN and AE
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