to those with SN, how did you garner the courage to purchase it?

[wonderfulheaven]

finally have access to some funds and just staring at the website i feel kind of terrified of what im looking at. it can rid me of all suffering, past present and potential, it can kill me. i've been looking forward to this for months and yet i can't bring myself to do it right now, i feel like a coward and a failure

wondering how others managed to make that final decision, whether it was a hard or easy choice to make etc. because i wish it were easy for me

 

[sadalways]

Honestly i didn't even think about it at all. Just like it's any other item so for me it's a very easy choice. But that's just me. Think about it like - many other items can kill you, be it a rope or i don't know, a knife, etc. Maybe my advice is shit but yeah. I gave it like 0 thought.

 

[Rymrgand]

I don't know, but it's not like it's your final decision. It's really stable, so even if you buy it now you can wait without using it.

My real problem is when I have to drink it. I have no idea how I will be able to do that.

 

[wonderfulheaven]

I don't know, but it's not like it's your final decision. It's really stable, so even if you buy it now you can wait without using it.

My real problem is when I have to drink it. I have no idea how I will be able to do that.

true ig i just think of it as a last decision bc for me personally i would ingest it immediately. i feel like it would tempt me the longer its left out i would become very impulsive if i had that much immediate power to end my life which is probably why its kind of scary to me

 

[Roadrunner]

Buying it didn't bother me at all, and I'm glad I have it actually, using it is what I'm lacking the courage for

 

[Forever Sleep]

I vaguely remember having a flutter of nerves while I was considering buying it. Not just receiving the product but that it might be intercepted or, lead to welfare checks. (Which it did with IC eventually but may not with other sources.)

I felt weirdly calm actually buying it though. I ummed and urred for a bit but then considered the likely prospect it would become harder to get in future. It felt sensible to buy it while I could.

I guess it depends on whether you feel you are an impulsive person. Whether having it may make you use it impulsively or even self harm with it. The amount of threads where someone has just decided to try a taste tend to make me nervous. Up to them ultimately but, it's not always the best method to just suddenly try.

 

[WhenIBreathe]

It was definitely nerve wracking when I found the site, and it took me a while to make the order. I thought about it as, get it while it's possible to get it. It's a step.

 

[Permanoir]

I was hesitant, not because I am an impulsive person who would use it once it arrived, but because I doubted that I would actually use it because I know myself and my SI. I later ordered it the next day

 

[SaraBye]

I was really hesitant because I was doubting about the quality of the product, purity, if the provider was legit or just a scam... finally bought it as some members on sasu let me know that they received it from the same provider.
Inmediately after doing the purchase, my hearth was racing and I had a bad night thinking about how to receive it wihout no one in my house knowing about it. Fortunately, I was able to redirect the parcel to a pickup store and everything was ok. Anyway I still feel nervous when I think about it even if the idea of taking it and finishing everything brings me peace...

 

[cazza82]

finally have access to some funds and just staring at the website i feel kind of terrified of what im looking at. it can rid me of all suffering, past present and potential, it can kill me. i've been looking forward to this for months and yet i can't bring myself to do it right now, i feel like a coward and a failure

wondering how others managed to make that final decision, whether it was a hard or easy choice to make etc. because i wish it were easy for me

It was easy for me to order it. It's when it finally arrived that I kinda got nervous

 

[Valhala]

You don't need any courage to buy SN, so you don't buy a nuclear missile. Courage is needed to swallow it and implement the protocol to the end.

 

[onthefence]

I was about to buy it impulsively when I realized it was a bad idea for me to have such easy access….. was very close though.

 

[divinemistress36]

Didnt think about it just did it
You can buy and save it for the future

 

[futurecorpse]

I was hesitant and waited a bit (I don't remember how long) before buying it. The main thing that worried me was potentially being scammed by the different types of payment methods. Also, talking to some stranger in another country who's selling a product for people to ctb made me feel some type of way. But ultimately I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable using another method to ctb. That's what helped me make the purchase

Now when it comes to actually taking the sn, I'm not too worried about the si. My life is going down the drain and I genuinely see no reason to stick around

 

[wonderfulheaven]

I was about to buy it impulsively when I realized it was a bad idea for me to have such easy access….. was very close though.

i feel the same way. i come at it from a place of frugality as well. the rare occasion i do make a purchase i intend to use it asap, especially something i view so sacred to me that can end everything as i've always wanted. it's definitely more difficult of a decision and action to carry out once in possession, but the fear finally hit me once i realized i can now possess it at any time i please

 

[lastch]

I ordered it after a particularly bad day. I realise now that ordering it was the easy part, actually taking it is the problem.

 

[SaraBye]

Another Big problem is where to take It. How to find the perfect place where no one could be able to realize about what is going on and call for some help.

I found It risky at hotels as I think that walls are usually thin and people could listen whatever noises araise after drinking sn...
Then is the Airbnb option but I feel terrible about doing that at someone else house

 

[gutsofanangel444]

finally have access to some funds and just staring at the website i feel kind of terrified of what im looking at. it can rid me of all suffering, past present and potential, it can kill me. i've been looking forward to this for months and yet i can't bring myself to do it right now, i feel like a coward and a failure

wondering how others managed to make that final decision, whether it was a hard or easy choice to make etc. because i wish it were easy for me

I haven't purchased any however i'd like to tell you that in no way are you a coward or a failure. it's normal to feel fear around these things, fantasy becoming reality can be overwhelming and that is completely okay. I hope you can find peace with whatever you do, buying it or not, and try not to be too hard on yourself

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I put off buying it for over a week, but then my closest friend texted me something that kinda upset me. Seeing that text just sent my body on full autopilot and I bought the SN instantly. It was so weird like I was not in control of what I was doing, I just watched.

Though since then, I've come to realize sometimes I'm really just not in control of myself hahah. Especially w/ suicide ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

 

[wonderfulheaven]

I put off buying it for over a week, but then my closest friend texted me something that kinda upset me. Seeing that text just sent my body on full autopilot and I bought the SN instantly. It was so weird like I was not in control of what I was doing, I just watched.

Though since then, I've come to realize sometimes I'm really just not in control of myself hahah. Especially w/ suicide ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

i understand . i have this fear as well, i can see myself doing the same upon losing control ; ; the moment someone pushes me to my limit or sometimes even mildly triggers me is where my suicidality reaches its worst and i start looking for ways out all over again despite the fear , so your experience makes a lot of sense

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

i understand . i have this fear as well, i can see myself doing the same upon losing control ; ; the moment someone pushes me to my limit or sometimes even mildly triggers me is where my suicidality reaches its worst and i start looking for ways out all over again despite the fear , so your experience makes a lot of sense

Yeah, it's terrible (or idk what to make of it) like I don't share the same kind of resolve, determination or clarity that other users here have about their suicide. For me, I'm just stupidly impulsive and for a while, I thought that was a strength of mine and would make suicide easier.

However, after buying my SN, I guess the wait time between actually ordering it and getting it has just allowed a different part of myself to engage with with the thought of having SN and suicide as a whole. It makes me really scared sometimes because I know I'm gonna go back to being manic about suicide and not being able to control myself - which'll end up killing me.