Discussion to those who left abusive relationships, what was it like?

[ecmnesia]

especially if you were financially dependent on them.

for me, it's about abusive parents, but I guess any shared experience might help.

 

[antigone_iris]

I had a boyfriend that was a big narcissist. Ticked every box. He was controlling, manipulative, hateful, a sweet talker, but a total snake when provoked. Thank God that we stopped seeing each other. He told me if I followed him abroad, he'd marry me. We had an argument (he was treating me like an object, good that I didn't give him what he was after) and he got so pissed off that he broke up with me. Instead of being upset, I couldn't feel happier and freer. I dodged a bullet. He was treating everyone like sh*t: his sibling, his teachers, an old man on the street. *sigh*

 

[Ghost2211]

If you're financially dependent on them it makes it significantly harder and more complicated. It's even worse when there are children involved. There really is no winning. It's a lost cause for me, but I hope for your sake you can get away from them and them be out of your life forever.

 

[CalmStrikeofMercy]

Basically people committing fraud and attempts to leave result in recapture or gang stalking, calls with threats of violence against myself or them. Community mobbing. Hiring people to take me to remote locations for torture. Either wanting to start guerilla warfare or kill people of a certain stripe. Loss of autonomy. Forcing pregnancy so I cannot leave. Offering jobs...no job. Claims of being a witch and then homicidal rage. Trying to get me in black markets. Stalking technology. False claims about my beliefs and motives. Covert threats. Not allowed to say no. Logging into my social media accounts, liking pages, putting me in groups. Equating me to a pokemon. Slander and libel.
Basically the definition of slavery without due process. Loss of citizenship and rights.

Seems like Disney, Warner Bros, and Google made a gigantic leap forward and formed an oligopoly.

 

[Weary Soul]

Hell.

Pure hell and why I am now in the position I am in.

I was the income earner. He ran through all of my savings and stole from our accounts, ruined the house I purchased for us, and came very close to killing me.

After the craniotomy ... the psychological abuse escalated (I was so very vulnerable then), to the point that it crushed me.

SMH, the gaslighting was unbelievable.

I am now more terrified of people (in real life) than I have ever been.

It was hell.

On Edit: Sorry (tired tonight) - I just realized you asked what it was like to have left. Having moved on it was so peaceful. But I am broken because of him and am now so much more terrified of people in real life. It will be a relief to end my existence frankly - not because I still care for him, I do not, but because I can no longer truly function or support myself because of the injuries he caused.

 

[CalmStrikeofMercy]

Getting stuck in fight, flight, freeze.
Feels like satanic abuse. Cannot feel my body. Cannot think. Feels like every square inch of my body is cut. I am overly submissive and you could get me to do just about anything to get people to leave me alone and not escalate.
People who dont understand the concept of loyalty and honesty.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Getting away from abusive parents, or any abuser (I have had a couple abusive romantic partners): relief at first, and again in stages, because of the tendency to want to go back, and also sometimes abusers try to make contact and so not giving in to that, not getting sucked in again. It's empowering to connect with self-worth in getting free, every stage of that. It's kind of scary to think there's no longer any family support to fall back on, but then I realize, it was never there to begin with, that was part of the abusers' illusion. These weren't people who protected me, though they had provided for me, gave me some stability, but within that stability, were beating the crap out of my very self as well as my body, always trying to break the strongest and the best in me because, for whatever reasons, they found those things unacceptable -- maybe because their own strongest and best were beaten down, too, and their own mindset is that it must be.

Sometimes I still catch myself in a mindset of thinking of how to protect them, thinking of their pain and their comfort and how to soothe them, make things easier for them -- that's what my role was, and I didn't see that until I set consequences for their shit and followed through that was hugely empowering -- it's not revenge. It took seriously contemplating suicide -- even though it has nothing to do with them, but how I thought it would hurt them -- to really become aware of how they don't see me or hear me, and how much I have historically focused on seeing and hearing them, rather than focusing on seeing and hearing myself.

It's an ongoing process. These are the people I had my earliest attachments to, and relied on them for every aspect of my survival and well-being. At times I feel like I've reached a new and unexpected peak, that I've finally gotten free. I feel lighter, not weighed down, and I experience more light, not so covered up in the darkness of all they want from me -- they didn't want me growing toward my own light.

I catch my thoughts going back sometimes to the slot machine of hope when I'm thinking of protecting and soothing them, and I redirect my focus to me. It's weird that I can keep moving forward and not drag them behind me. It's strange that guilt, fear and false obligation don't really have a hold on me, now it's just a matter of how much permission I give them to hang around, because there's still that message that I'm doing something terribly wrong by letting my parents 100% go in spite of all they did and how many times they deeply betrayed me.

I can't say that there is ever 100% emotional freedom or healing, but to be at this point feels damn good. With every internal message of fear, guilt or false obligation I overcome, I am that much stronger, capable and aware of shit, I protect myself better and faster from others irl, and I'm more careful about who I let in, how much, and at what pace. I don't know that I'll ever reach some total victory, but I'm experiencing a lot of victories along the path that gets further and further away from them, and it feels empowering and fortifying.

I realized the other day, I don't require an apology from them, nor any kind of amends to set things right in me. I set them right myself! I did a fucking lot of work over a really, really long period of time to get myself back and own myself, to feel increasingly whole and integrated, and I am reaping the rewards, because at some point I found therapists with modalities that helped me to invest my efforts in recovering my best self. At that point my healing was no longer invested in the slot machine as it was all those years when m
my personal healing goal was focused on healing our family, on becoming a better communicator so they could finally hear me -- decades of that shit, where I made some progress, but also tried to drag them along with me when they didn't want to go with me. They don't want healing.

I recently listened to a Buddhist monk who talked about self-mastery, about climbing that mountain. I realized, similarly to his story, that parents want things for their children, and a path to self-mastery means deciding what one wants for themselves and pursuing it. I can't stay tethered to my parents and also achieve self-mastery, not the parents I have. I have to leave them behind and keep climbing, they are unworthy distractions. They don't provide any support on the journey; they don't want me on it at all.

 

[CalmStrikeofMercy]

.

 

[Life_and_Death]

dont do what i did.

im not in a bad situation just a regretful one.

basically dont move in with people

 

[degeneratewaste]

terrifying.

they do absolutely anything to get you to stay. anything. manipulation was the worst for me. constantly being told he loves me, that he cares about me so much, there will be no one else to love me like he does, crying. it's complete mind fuckery.

also, after it was all over, I felt so alone. I feel so alone. almost like I want him back, like I can't function without the abuse.

 

[Lilacmoon]

abusive (i still hesitate to call them that) control my whole life, almost. take away my capacity to be an independent adult. my bank account is controlled by them, my passport is kept by them. i didn't even know this was strange until recently?

abusive ex was a lot more like... a mixture of love and pain. love bombing, then threats, manipulation, then more love bombing and neediness... and missing the abuse, having trouble functioning without it is a real thing too. i still think about him a lot.

um thats just me though, im kind of dumb.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

After I left my abusive spouse (it was a classic spousal abuse situation), I felt numb, then afraid, then angry. But I made it through. It wasn't easy.

 

[ecmnesia]

abusive (i still hesitate to call them that) control my whole life, almost. take away my capacity to be an independent adult. my bank account is controlled by them, my passport is kept by them. i didn't even know this was strange until recently?

same. it's the exact same thing here. i have absolutely zero independence and control over my stuff. my parents control my bank accounts and discouraged (coerced) me to get a job when i tried too. I'm 21 and they still control when and for how long I can get out. they say I have autonomy, but if I ever try to do something, they condemn me for it. it's just horrible.

 

[Cherrypea]

My ex partner was physically abusive to me. Once our baby was born I made myself see a counsellor who helped me understand I shouldn't be with him and somehow in the depths of post natal depression I managed to make the break. (I basically blackmailed him that I'd move away and he'd not see his child unless he left) I just felt relief and so, so lucky for a long time. For years I'd sometimes find a bit of broken glass or something in a hidden corner and be thankful he wasn't there having tantrums and smashing stuff anymore. But I had a lot of anger towards him which came out in many ways. This was 20 years ago and one day I suddenly realised I wasn't angry with him anymore but it's like the anger is still there, I just transfer it around to other people and issues.
I have a new partner and a young child but really I shouldn't have tried again.

 

[ecmnesia]

I have a new partner and a young child but really I shouldn't have tried again.

may I ask why?

 

[Sinkinshyp]

My father was mentally and physically abusive. He died when I was 15. It was a relief that I would not be abused anymore or so I thought. About 6 months after my father died I met a boyfriend. He was more evil than my father. He had put a gun to my head-twice. He choked me, I had woken up to him on top of me choking me. I was his punching bag and mentally abused. He was more evil than my father. I was not financially dependent upon him. The 2nd time he put a gun to my head I knew I had to get out because one day he would have killed me. It was scary at first because he was chasing me down. I ended up having some umm pretty rough friends to protect me from him. It was the best things I ever did. It took a lot of work to mentally address being physically and mentally abused my first ohh 16 1/2 years of my life.

I never hated anyone- just him. I no longer hate him I feel sorry for him. He is evil and will never change. After our relationship ended he beat up the mother of his son- that ended when he stabbed her. He smashed his wifes face in with a stereo and a friend there trying to get his wife to safety he shot. It's all in whoyou know and well he never did jail time other than 2 days for all this destruction he has caused. Revenge is a dish best served cold his daughter refuses tocall him dad it's asshole or his first name.

It's been 31 or so years since I had to deal with his abuse. If I ran across him I would purposely anger him to push his buttons and give him a good old fashioned beating. I am no longer an afraid 16 yr old girl.I wont curl up in fetal position while he kicked me, hit me with whatever he could and punch me. I have put all the abuse from my dad and him behind me. I do not put up with any abuse what so ever any more. I guess in a way it made me a strong woman being pushed the other way.

 

[Giraffey]

I was in my mid-twenties, sheltering from the biting wind, alone at the train station on a wet Friday afternoon. My phone buzzed, it was my then-partner Lucile, the message began hi, this Lucile's friend, and went on to describe how Lucile, my partner, the mother of my daughter, was lying unconscious in a hospital bed on life support, her prospects were said to be terminally grim. My heart catapulted into my ribs and bile rose up my throat. I don't know if it was the freezing wind or my chilling fear but as I frantically pounded my phone the numbers just wouldn't come, I was in pieces; I had the coordination of a drunk.

Call after call went unanswered, occasionally I would receive an update from Lucile's friend, her vitals had further deteriorated, she was in surgery, the doctor's prognosis was bleak, she would be lucky to see the midnight hour. I begged the friend for more information, to tell me which hospital Lucile was dying in, to answer the phone, send me a photograph, anything; nothing came. I called every hospital in the area, none had any record of Lucile; desperation was increasingly palpable in my voice, as was fear.

My cheeks stung from hail and tears, I crouched on the edge of platform nine; ignorant of the concerned stares of passing good samaritans, the pain of being crushed by a passing train would surely be a sweet relief from the torturous hell I felt inside. Again, my phone buzzed, this time it was Lucile, she claimed that her phone had been stolen and somebody had been screwing with me. I pressed her for details, she was vague; her story was implausible as hell, but I was too much of a fucking mess to care. I called her and she answered, I collapsed on the platform, I'd thought she was dead. Hello, she muttered, nonchalantly; I gasped, I thought you were fucking dead!

Later that day an opportunity presented itself to verify part of her story using digital forensic methods, Lucile and 'Lucile's friend' were the same person; my ex-partner had faked the whole thing. My ex-partner had messaged me, pretending to be a friend, to tell me that she was laying in a hospital bed terminally ill and about to die. I confronted her, as always, it was met with a blanket denial and claims that I was simply 'being paranoid'.

That was just one of many instances of gaslighting I experienced during my relationship with my abusive ex-partner. I would love to say that life returned to normal after I left but the truth is I will always carry the scars of her abuse, I still suffer from nightmares and I've become what you may term hyper-observant, I pick up on small behaviours and signs of dishonesty and that can create a great deal of anxiety. I have a host of other issues that I've spoken about in other threads.

My ex's abuse has continued since I've left through indirect means such as stalking; manipulating third parties including friends, colleagues and authorities; threats and intimidation; revenge pornography, sometimes I fear that I will never truly escape.

* Names changed

 

[sufferingalways]

Getting stuck in fight, flight, freeze.
Feels like satanic abuse. Cannot feel my body. Cannot think. Feels like every square inch of my body is cut. I am overly submissive and you could get me to do just about anything to get people to leave me alone and not escalate.
People who dont understand the concept of loyalty and honesty.

Hi what's the image below levels of anger escalation? Can't see it when I try to pinch it wide.

 

[feast or famine]

Leaving was the most difficult yet most empowering thing I've ever done.

I realize it's not that easy to leave for everyone. It wasn't for me either for a host of reasons, but I acknowledge that others may have no choice but to stay.

My heart goes out to anyone that is suffering from abuse and trapped. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

 

[sufferingalways]

I was in my mid-twenties, sheltering from the biting wind, alone at the train station on a wet Friday afternoon. My phone buzzed, it was my then-partner Lucile, the message began hi, this Lucile's friend, and went on to describe how Lucile, my partner, the mother of my daughter, was lying unconscious in a hospital bed on life support, her prospects were said to be terminally grim. My heart catapulted into my ribs and bile rose up my throat. I don't know if it was the freezing wind or my chilling fear but as I frantically pounded my phone the numbers just wouldn't come, I was in pieces; I had the coordination of a drunk.

Call after call went unanswered, occasionally I would receive an update from Lucile's friend, her vitals had further deteriorated, she was in surgery, the doctor's prognosis was bleak, she would be lucky to see the midnight hour. I begged the friend for more information, to tell me which hospital Lucile was dying in, to answer the phone, send me a photograph, anything; nothing came. I called every hospital in the area, none had any record of Lucile; desperation was increasingly palpable in my voice, as was fear.

My cheeks stung from hail and tears, I crouched on the edge of platform nine; ignorant of the concerned stares of passing good samaritans, the pain of being crushed by a passing train would surely be a sweet relief from the torturous hell I felt inside. Again, my phone buzzed, this time it was Lucile, she claimed that her phone had been stolen and somebody had been screwing with me. I pressed her for details, she was vague; her story was implausible as hell, but I was too much of a fucking mess to care. I called her and she answered, I collapsed on the platform, I'd thought she was dead. Hello, she muttered, nonchalantly; I gasped, I thought you were fucking dead!

Later that day an opportunity presented itself to verify part of her story using digital forensic methods, Lucile and 'Lucile's friend' were the same person; my ex-partner had faked the whole thing. My ex-partner had messaged me, pretending to be a friend, to tell me that she was laying in a hospital bed terminally ill and about to die. I confronted her, as always, it was met with a blanket denial and claims that I was simply 'being paranoid'.

That was just one of many instances of gaslighting I experienced during my relationship with my abusive ex-partner. I would love to say that life returned to normal after I left but the truth is I will always carry the scars of her abuse, I still suffer from nightmares and I've become what you may term hyper-observant, I pick up on small behaviours and signs of dishonesty and that can create a great deal of anxiety. I have a host of other issues that I've spoken about in other threads.

My ex's abuse has continued since I've left through indirect means such as stalking; manipulating third parties including friends, colleagues and authorities; threats and intimidation; revenge pornography, sometimes I fear that I will never truly escape.

* Names changed

Sorry to hear all those things happened. Sounds a horrible type of character. Why do people act in such a way ..?

 

[Cherrypea]

may I ask why?

I think I'm to emo unstable

may I ask why?

I was just to emotionally damaged, not just from this but from childhood issues as well. I normalised my post natal depression and anxiety and I can never give myself to my partner and kids as I should. I know I'm damaging them too.

 

[Soul]

I was raised by abusive drunks. It took a lot of effort to get away from them, but other people who knew the situation and had never done anything before were suddenly supportive in ways I didn't expect. So that was excellent. But I still had to be responsible for bringing myself up and making right decisions, which wasn't always easy for a messed-up suicidal teenager.

What took the longest, though, was getting my head out of Abused State. That took years and years. But you can do it. x

 

[Weather]

Leaving the relationship, quite frankly, was great. One of the tactics my abuser used was sleep deprivation (bright lights, loud music, loud television, intentionally waking me up when I could manage to drift off -- then I would have to go to work in the morning and he would go to sleep as he "worked from home"), so just the fact that I could actually sleep was... life changing. Even without the other abuse coming to an end.

But, there is a lot of baggage and difficulties that come with leaving too. First, you have to deal with that person who still tries to find ways to control you, yell at you, send nasty texts, show up at your new place, etc. It took several years before I felt I had really shook him; it was scary and mentally draining. You also carry a lot of negative feelings about yourself forward that were drummed into you, and it's very hard to get away from that and not feel worthless and stupid and bad. Also, it is very hard to trust people and trust your judgment of people.

I don't know. I guess I don't really like thinking about this and am feeling a bit emotional going down this rabbit hole.