To those of you who have attempted: was there a "call" before or you just did it?

[Aleandra Felix]

I'm in a kind of confused mental state right now. As much as I really and rationally want to CTB, I feel like I can't do it.

There were some other times in the past were I was about to end it all. I had the motivation, the energy, the means. I was on the verge of suicide but ended up not doing it because I had some unsolved issues with myself about taking this step.

Now I rationally know I'm ready, but I'm lacking those strong emotions. I'm just apathetic and numb to everything. I don't feel like CTB, despite wanting so much. I just can't bother doing anything anymore.

Have any of you gone through the same situation?

 

[Let'sgetoutofHERE]

I'm very interested in others people's answers bc I've experienced the same thing

 

[panhandler92]

Yeah this is sort of how I feel at the moment. I feel like the rationale behind my desire to ctb is solid in regards to my philosophical views on human existence, my own personal experiences and my perception of my own being, but ever since I decided to try and get help, saw a shitty therapist a handful of times and started medication and subsequently stopped doing either of those things, the sharp driving pain, anger and resentment behind that desire is effectively gone but without resolution to my views on why I felt and still feel this way.
Its likely that when I made the decision that day to take myself to the ER instead of enacting my plan, I made the wrong choice. Its as if by putting that chemical in my body, for however short a time, i robbed myself of something.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I'm in a kind of confused mental state right now. As much as I really and rationally want to CTB, I feel like I can't do it.

There were some other times in the past were I was about to end it all. I had the motivation, the energy, the means. I was on the verge of suicide but ended up not doing it because I had some unsolved issues with myself about taking this step.

Now I rationally know I'm ready, but I'm lacking those strong emotions. I'm just apathetic and numb to everything. I don't feel like CTB, despite wanting so much. I just can't bother doing anything anymore.

Have any of you gone through the same situation?

I can totally see how you are feeling as I am in the same situation. I have nothing left so see no reason to stay, yet cant CTB either. I am scared to carry on living/existing ad at same time scared to take action. In the past when have been very close the thing that pulled me back was the love of my mum and dad and that they loved me so much and vice versa and I couldn't do it to them. I lost my mum 7 years ago and now just before Christmas my beloved dad passed away, I am totally alone now. I have had multiple health issues since a teenager, in my 40's now and they are getting worse so even getting by each day is hard, but I kept going as has my dads love and help. After mum passed we only had one another and lived to keep each other going. Now he's gone I am empty. I have 2 estranged siblings causing problems and nastiness on top.

I am numb and empty and yes apathetic like yourself, just wish to stay in bed until I stop breathing naturally but obviously know that could be a long time coming. Its a horrid tug not wishing to be here anymore and yet not going through or knowing how to go through with it to end the dense pain and suffering. I keep asking myself what is stopping me, everything I loved and that loved me has gone, I'm alone. I suppose I cant figure out how best to do it and would it be successful and also would I have peace and enter spirit world properly, so many mixed opinions on taking ones life.
Also for me my mum and dad loved me more than life itself and I loved them the same, would I be disrespecting them if I took my life to join them or would they see the true pain I am in. I just wish the next second didn't have to come, let alone next minute or hour, but somehow it does.

 

[ARW3N]

When someone does eventually successfully CTB there's usually a lengthy backstory which never gets told. There's a documentary film The Bridge which features real suicides and reveals the backstories of the jumpers.

 

[Moonicide]

I've felt the same exact way. Last year I had the means to ctb and was ready for quite some time, but the emotions and urges subsided a bit when I was good to go. I felt so angry with myself that I didn't end my life before I saw 2020. Because there wasn't anything holding me back, except for myself... It just wasn't my time. It wasn't my time to go. I'm very impulsive by nature and when I feel it, I want to ctb right there and then. But I also know ctbing with thought and care is also important to me. I've left instructions and my goodbye letters to a dear friend of mine on here, because I can't live with the thought of not providing my loved ones with something as I leave this earth... Just know your time will come, love. It will. It's okay if it isn't today or tomorrow, or next week and so on. Be patient and kind with yourself. You'll know when it's time. Until then we are here to listen and support you.

Sending you all of my love and support.