To talk this out

[Spitfire]

I'm having a really baD day.

There is something going on in my mind today. It has hit me so hard today for some reason? I am really truly struggling right now and did not think this would be me typing. I was okay yesterday.

I want to say that I don't have any immediate plans. I do not expect that will be any different by the end of the day today either, I truly don't. I don't know what I am looking for doing this?

I just feel like this place is here for this, right? And I should use it to help myself right now because I can not stop crying..... or sit still or be okay

I think I need some help. No matter what to happen in my future. I know I want to suicide.

I also know that I am not ready for that right now it doesn't feel it is right time, so I think I should try to talk it out. Does that make sense?

This is difficult for me. I want to be the one helping. I can not stay still or stop the type of pain I have right now because this is definitely pain even if I am not saying of the physical.

I can't take this headspace I've got happening again and it is not leaving.

I'm gonna to drive. Driving helps me, so I am going to keep driving okay. It helps me to be okay.

I dont care what it is just help me please help.
I am putting a plan together. A big plan.

I talked to my sister for an hour this morning and she was such a help. She does not understand the feelings and likes life. But she is soo smart! She took 5years of Spanish language in 4 years of high school. I don't know the real number but her IQ is straight thru the roof smart, like 145 or better I think? She does not understand the feelings, but she knows why...

I am really lucjy to have her you have no idea.

 

[Siarar]

I can talk this evening if you're still needing it, I work graveyard and must try and get some sleep. I haven't stopped crying for two days now, maybe we can help each other.

 

[Spitfire]

Maybe I will but I don't know? One big thank you okay for everybody right from the start and I mean that thank you. I think I've been run out of emotions for soo long it's taking me by surprise

I'm getting my plan together now though that is for sure, a plan. Because this was scary this morning what I think I felt I was willing to do. I want to know what I am doing

I've got this. I've had this I mean. So this is what I am going with.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm here to talk if you need me. I am so sorry you are going through so much pain.

 

[Spitfire]

Okay, so the driving is helping and now I have the charcoal. I knew getting it would help me. I've got what I need. And that is a relief. I'm very familiar with this way. I just couldn't think. And I need to look over the information again real closely now. I know how much and all of the rest of the stuff I think too. I don't have a chimney starter yet, but that can wait.

I've decided not going to go to work tomorrow either. Whatever is going on? I am worried it'll be like before. I don't want it to get that way because it was soo bad last time. I can sense it when this thing takes over, like really takes over how it did before. I'm afraid to lose my mind. I'm going to talk about that even if I can't with thoughts how they are.

I talked to my sister. If I leave my job next week coming I m going to her place. I want her to have my stuff. She has both of my vehicles I left them for her family when I left traveling two years. We are going to switch the titles over into her name. She has all of my last checks from the last year. They just need cashed and added to the account. We are going to put her name on the account when I am there too.

I need to go see my Dad. We have not talked in over three years. And I want to see him.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm here if you want to talk. Sound like you're very stressed today. What kind of things usually help you clam down?

 

[Sadman]

I feel your pain/confusion/distress.
totally relate. It's random and it sucks.

 

[Spitfire]

Driving helps me. It has always helped me to drive whenever I am bothered.

I am waiting for the voices to come. They came in a seconds time last time and they are unbearable. I don't tell people about that. The last time my voice wouldn't work right for me either anymore when they were here. It lasted three straight months and they never went silent all that time. It was soo crazy. One of them is billions and billions of voices all saying something at the same time. The other three will constantly be trying to talk over them. I la eked them as emotions. The angry one was soo loud. I thought they were coming again but it's okay so far.
I feel its gonna be okay

There are calm waves coming now, and I am just going to try and rest a little. Keep myself still