To people who believe in God or Masters or any diety...

[JoeFailure]

Do you think it makes a difference to apologize every day for the things I did in this life that will likely lead to CTB? I see the world clearly now and it's just too late.

I should have created a career that helped people. I should have saved money. Yeah, sexually I was messed up because of what happened when I was a kid...but I should've valued money so I could've given some great things to my parents at least and done great things for others.

I hate who I was. A kid that just never grew up and it cost me everything. It's not me today. But it was me, then. That person ruined my life and I apologize with everything I have every single day to the universe, to any kind of God or anything else that exists. If I could fix it, I would. If there was just a path, I would. I just don't know how and every day is just agony. I don't think I'll be able to live with it. It's so paralyzing, I'm barely hanging on at work and basically not a functioning person outside of it. And I can't concentrate on anything because I keep thinking about CTB and if it'll go "right" and what happens after.

Unless a miracle occurs, what's in front of me is an impossible fight. It's insurmountable. I try to tell myself I'm better off than some of the world that's starving and in horrible conditions. But that just doesn't lift the constant agony of regret, pain, and anxiety.

 

[Soul]

Joe, I'm sorry you're struggling so with this. I can tell you what does make a difference: Time and time again I've seen you post beautiful warm compassionate messages to people here who are scared or suffering. You have a gift for expressing your compassion so beautifully it's like you're wrapping us in a marvellous comforter.

I admire you and thank you for doing that, and I reckon all-that-is-praiseworthy does too.

(((Hugs)))

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

@JoeFailure, no, it wouldn't. The past is what it is; it's just memories, entropy, hard times gone by. When you do die, try not to reincarnate, even if someone seems to be offering you a chance to "make things right" or "do it over again." You have a choice, and frankly I am suspicious of the motives of people who would want you to come back for another round of hideous suffering.

 

[Weems]

Do you think it makes a difference to apologize every day for the things I did in this life that will likely lead to CTB? I see the world clearly now and it's just too late.

I should have created a career that helped people. I should have saved money. Yeah, sexually I was messed up because of what happened when I was a kid...but I should've valued money so I could've given some great things to my parents at least and done great things for others.

I hate who I was. A kid that just never grew up and it cost me everything. It's not me today. But it was me, then. That person ruined my life and I apologize with everything I have every single day to the universe, to any kind of God or anything else that exists. If I could fix it, I would. If there was just a path, I would. I just don't know how and every day is just agony. I don't think I'll be able to live with it. It's so paralyzing, I'm barely hanging on at work and basically not a functioning person outside of it. And I can't concentrate on anything because I keep thinking about CTB and if it'll go "right" and what happens after.

Unless a miracle occurs, what's in front of me is an impossible fight. It's insurmountable. I try to tell myself I'm better off than some of the world that's starving and in horrible conditions. But that just doesn't lift the constant agony of regret, pain, and anxiety.

Man...there really is a suicidal type. We don't want to grow up, we take it easy, and some time too late we see how wrong we were. Hamartia leads to catastrophe. Nothing left to do but gouge our eyes out

 

[Watcher]

It sounds like maybe, you're borderline... what if you save some money to travel?

 

[PatKat]

It sounds like maybe, you're borderline... what if you save some money to travel?

I wanna travel:(

 

[JoeFailure]

Joe, I'm sorry you're struggling so with this. I can tell you what does make a difference: Time and time again I've seen you post beautiful warm compassionate messages to people here who are scared or suffering. You have a gift for expressing your compassion so beautifully it's like you're wrapping us in a marvellous comforter.

I admire you and thank you for doing that, and I reckon all-that-is-praiseworthy does too.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you for saying that. I've seen your posts too and feel the same about you.

I just can't shed the agony. Of what I could have been and now need a miracle to become. I really don't want to die, i just can't stop the pain to keep going like this. It's just crippling. I've never been like this in my life. Regret is going to kill me. I want so badly to make this right and to help people in life and that path just isn't there.

I really hope some kind of forgiveness exists in what comes next, if there is anything.

 

[Watcher]

I wanna travel:(

Me too. :(

 

[PatKat]

Me too. :(

Sadly, it will never be an option for me. I am afraid to go out of my house even. When I go out like the other day to get my prescriptions printed off to give to my doctor whenever my insurance comes through. I was sweating, and my heart was racing. All I kept thinking is someone is about to attack me, or try to kill me. I do not like it. I was to see Prague, and am sad that I will never get that chance due to mental health.

 

[Watcher]

Thank you for saying that. I've seen your posts too and feel the same about you.

I just can't shed the agony. Of what I could have been and now need a miracle to become. I really don't want to die, i just can't stop the pain to keep going like this. It's just crippling. I've never been like this in my life. Regret is going to kill me. I want so badly to make this right and to help people in life and that path just isn't there.

I really hope some kind of forgiveness exists in what comes next, if there is anything.

Are you receiving therapy (psychology and psychiatrist) ?

Because if not, it can help you. Also ithere are lots of organizations that help people, you only need to stabilize your self, and then, you can assist/choose/help in one of them. Also, take this as a guide/recreational way to find your path, take your time to visit some religious places/groups, maybe you'll find one that fits you.

Sadly, it will never be an option for me. I am afraid to go out of my house even. When I go out like the other day to get my prescriptions printed off to give to my doctor whenever my insurance comes through. I was sweating, and my heart was racing. All I kept thinking is someone is about to attack me, or try to kill me. I do not like it. I was to see Prague, and am sad that I will never get that chance due to mental health.

I'm suffering social fobia, depression, and general anxiety. I have been taking medicine since four months ago, and now I'm able to go out. I still don't talk with people, but, I like it (don't know why). I'm hoping to find a job or at least make something to have an income. But it still is a precarious everyday feeling, the pills helped me (in some way) to buy SN from a chemistry store... So yeah, I still consider ctb sometimes, because of my diagnosis. I'm an asperger, so life will always be difficult for me. Today I finally drive my motorcycle, thats a progress for me :/

 

[PatKat]

Are you receiving therapy (psychology and psychiatrist) ?

Because if not, it can help you. Also ithere are lots of organizations that help people, you only need to stabilize your self, and then, you can assist/choose/help in one of them. Also, take this as a guide/recreational way to find your path, take your time to visit some religious places/groups, maybe you'll find one that fits you.


I'm suffering social fobia, depression, and general anxiety. I have been taking medicine since four months ago, and now I'm able to go out. I still don't talk with people, but, I like it (don't know why). I'm hoping to find a job or at least make something to have an income. But it still is a precarious everyday feeling, the pills helped me (in some way) to buy SN from a chemistry store... So yeah, I still consider ctb sometimes, because of my diagnosis. I'm an asperger, so life will always be difficult for me. Today I finally drive my motorcycle, thats a progress for me :/

:( sigh this world just doesnt like us it seems.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

@Weems: speak for yourself. I grew up entirely too fast...

 

[GeorgeJL]

Do you think it makes a difference to apologize every day for the things I did in this life that will likely lead to CTB? I see the world clearly now and it's just too late.

I should have created a career that helped people. I should have saved money. Yeah, sexually I was messed up because of what happened when I was a kid...but I should've valued money so I could've given some great things to my parents at least and done great things for others.

I hate who I was. A kid that just never grew up and it cost me everything. It's not me today. But it was me, then. That person ruined my life and I apologize with everything I have every single day to the universe, to any kind of God or anything else that exists. If I could fix it, I would. If there was just a path, I would. I just don't know how and every day is just agony. I don't think I'll be able to live with it. It's so paralyzing, I'm barely hanging on at work and basically not a functioning person outside of it. And I can't concentrate on anything because I keep thinking about CTB and if it'll go "right" and what happens after.

Unless a miracle occurs, what's in front of me is an impossible fight. It's insurmountable. I try to tell myself I'm better off than some of the world that's starving and in horrible conditions. But that just doesn't lift the constant agony of regret, pain, and anxiety.

I feel the same way. Only thing is that it's more of a knowing than emotional regret.

 

[Soul]

Thank you for saying that. I've seen your posts too and feel the same about you.

I just can't shed the agony. Of what I could have been and now need a miracle to become. I really don't want to die, i just can't stop the pain to keep going like this. It's just crippling. I've never been like this in my life. Regret is going to kill me. I want so badly to make this right and to help people in life and that path just isn't there.

I really hope some kind of forgiveness exists in what comes next, if there is anything.

Joe, can you try some form of therapy, as @Watcher suggested? And even if your current career isn't what you feel is right for you, can you volunteer somewhere that would get you involved in helping people? There are so many ways to do that.

The religion I grew up with states that we can't ask for divine forgiveness until we've asked for forgiveness from the people we've hurt or wronged. From what you're writing it sounds like you need to include a major session of forgiving yourself. (I'm sorry that sounds like a frufru New-Agey cliché, because I mean it, and I know it doesn't come easy.)

(((Hugs)))

Man...there really is a suicidal type. We don't want to grow up, we take it easy, and some time too late we see how wrong we were. Hamartia leads to catastrophe. Nothing left to do but gouge our eyes out

... What Joe wrote resonates with you, but if your self-description is expandable to a "suicidal type" it's just one of several. And while it's fully your choice, if I were you I'd leave my eyes in. They're useful!