To CTB or not to CTB?

[hhsp]

Hi Brothers and Sisters :)
Thank you for creating this peaceful place.There is literally nobody who wants to talk about it or can. Not my doctor for sure.
I am not sure if I want to go. No, wait I dont want to go but the last 30 Years are just a endless repetition of very unpleasant emotional states. Almost if I feel the unconscious of the other person? I stay at home for the last week and basically never went out. I had a breakdown, funny thing is I feel so much better knowing that i can exit anytime. I become emotionally stable but no work, no friends, do not want to live in Germany anymore. Before I have lived abroad, was totally not perfect :) but Germany is so depressing to me, esp. in the winter. Also gf left because I am too old. She is 31 I am 53 well but my life was without family and kids so I would like to have kids. But no Money, no possibility to work to live a descent life. I live on social security and my parents aged almost 80 help me a little but not enough to have a car and a vacation and participate in life. It seems like I am extremely sensitive and also see the world as cruel place because of homo sapiens has basically destroyed the Planet. I love nature and when I came from abroad to Germany, I had to cry many times how abused every little inch is polluted or exploited. The build houses, like concrete is free in my area. One day the whole Planet will be covered in concrete...anyway...
I have SN and need to buy Meteo because I feel sick easy and have thrown up from light opiates in the past. I worry because I puke very loud :) but on 31st December night will be a lot of fireworks. I like to go at that time. But also consider jumping in nature from a cliff. I dont want to disturb other people with my dead body so at home would be the best. Will be found by the smell if I tell my parents I do a meditation retreat with no phones allowed. My brother lives with my parents but he is for me more far away then any stranger on the street.
I thought about traveling a little bit before but also worry I will psotpone and suffer the next breakdown. I dont want to go overemotional and confused. I want to be calm and relaxed even if I need a Tavor or sth. before.
I want to live a good life not being stuck in a repetion for 30 Years. Basically it is like groundhog day ...lol
I believe every human has the birthright to choose when to exit form this once lovely Planet.
I am worried about scammers here and perverts who get exited about CTB and also fake people doing a goodbye live thread.
But I see so much love here and if you compare it with other forums were insults, ego games and fighting is the norm.
Its hard to leave my Mum behind, my Dad is a aggressive person, I don't mind leaving him behind. But my Mom esp with my Dad are very exhausting for me. I stopped the few friends I have and my parents are in there house in Spain. I have no contact and dont want it since my Mom said some stuff to me which made me mad. Anyway she is a lovely person while my Dad feels like poison to me.
If you have something to say go ahead. I have nobody to talk to about this. I am also open for private messages conversation.
I stopped eating and drinking then started to eat very little. I lost 20 pounds and felt really great after the beginning no discomfort nothing.
I start to prepare myself for Sylvester.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome. You stated ' I am not sure if I want to go. No, wait I dont want to go.' In my opinion, that is your answer.

Yes. You have issues. We all do unfortunately. If it was me, and I wasn't 100 percent sure and wanting to go, I wouldn't.

But that is me, and I am in a very confused state right now.

 

[6ixxy]

Like the majority of answers that you'll get from this post, if you aren't 100% CERTAIN, then now is not your time my friend.
I personally believe that once you are ready you will know, if you definitely want it to succeed you'll be very thorough with your method, such as research, equipment if needed etc which obviously takes time and shouldn't be something that is done on impulse alone. Again this is just my personal opinion so take it with a pinch of salt :)

 

[Jean4]

Like the majority of answers that you'll get from this post, if you aren't 100% CERTAIN, then now is not your time my friend.
I personally believe that once you are ready you will know, if you definitely want it to succeed you'll be very thorough with your method, such as research, equipment if needed etc which obviously takes time and shouldn't be something that is done on impulse alone. Again this is just my personal opinion so take it with a pinch of salt :)

I have to agree. When you are 100 percent ready you know. There are no doubts and nothing can change your mind.

 

[WallsClosingInn]

eventually this is up to you,but my advice to you is dont rush things

 

[hhsp]

i think i will be ready in 2 weeks for SN method or maybe jump in nature probably with nylon rope
everybody suffers but some suffer more and others less
i waited long enough I should not delay
i feel much better when I know there will be an end of suffering. I feel relieved and relaxed not afraid or sad! Of course can change any second but I can just mix a cocktail SN dont have to drink it on 31st but will be in the mood alone again at such a date
I also do not feel to travel somewhere, it will just distract me and later I am back in the same small flat on my own without any change
Good to try and make something out of this life but if no job, no wife, no kids its really ok for me to go.
My parents....is though but my brother will manage. At least they are not alone and my brother is very close to my parents.
I almost did it last year and went to a daycare clinic afterwards, it was a terrible experience.
Also I asked my parents for help and they do not reply at all. My brother also not. Looks good to me.
We will see. No stress just step by step,I can stop any time.
SN will arrive soon and need to buy meteo and propanolol. Will read what Stan wrote. I am so glad I get the SN and can go any time I want, now or in 20 Years :)
Thanks for creating this forum!

eventually this is up to you,but my advice to you is dont rush things

I have strong suicidal thoughts for about 30 plus years....no rush at all man. A few years ago I felt I want to have some experiences. But now I am complete. I meditated a lot and still do. I love the silence beyond thoughts. Unfortunately I was not able to feel less suffering most of the time for the past 20 years.

 

[Quax]

I'm with you.... winter in northern Germany (I guess the HH in in your nick means Hamburg) is very depressing . But the next summer is coming for sure.... as long as you are not sure without any doubts.... don't do it.... it's the most serious decision in life you can make...

 

[hhsp]

I'm with you.... winter in northern Germany (I guess the HH in in your nick means Hamburg) is very depressing . But the next summer is coming for sure.... as long as you are not sure without any doubts.... don't do it.... it's the most serious decision in life you can make...

Thanks for writing to me!
If it feels easy and relaxed I will do it. I feel so good and calm and centered. There is no sadness at all going to the other side. It is the most interesting journey possible! Nobody knows what happens after death. I dont want to hurt anybody but of course Christianity is kind ofachildish religion .For a long time I believed in a higher power but now I think it will be just lights out and that is perfectly fine. No alienation fear or loneliness. We will see how it continues.
I am sure absolutely, I am also very depressed in Summer and I had a lot of summers. I am complete. Maybe get reborn ;) hope it will not be this Planet ;) Step by step, slowly and calm can stop any second. Aware become very aware. I like to die consciously,ould prefer N but yeah fu..ing Politicians want to make us suffer well who cares.

 

[EBEN30]

You seem to be replying to people and countering their argument telling you if you're not a 100% sure don't do it.

I'm not really sure what other response you were expecting or looking for.

Exiting isn't a reversible decision so you need to be 100000% sure that you want to go through with it, especially with something like SN, while there is an antidote there's no guarantee you will be saved.

I can only really reiterate what others have said to you, the fact you've had to ask this question, along with the fact you've said the words YOU DON'T WANT TO is evidence enough for me that you should really try and fight on and get the help, advice and support you need.

I totally understand you're saying that some people's problems are worse than others and people's ability to cope is different, I get that and don't dispute it; however, you're expressing doubt and uncertainty.

Suicide is NEVER an easy thing, look at the goodbye threads from here, two people confirmed dead this week in the news posted in their thread that they were scared and nervous, that's a common feature of goodbye threads, survival instinct kicks in and it's going to take a whole lot of power of the mind to overcome that, even people who are VERY certain struggle, if your in doubt you're just going to have a very difficult time when it comes to the time of taking your own life.

I'd urge you to get help and support and try everything in your power to get well, at least then any decision can be made with a clear conscience that you've tried everything and your situation still hasn't improved.

I think anyone who says the words. and I quote:

No, wait I dont want to go

Then you're not ready, have doubt and being a little apprehensive is normally but outright not wanting to part this world yet, you really need to give living a better chance before you commit to a decision that you can't come back from.

I wish you all the best and hope that whatever you decide is right for you and that you can come to peace with your decision.

 

[hhsp]

Thank you fro sharing your opinon. I think about it.
I read Stan Goodbye Thread. Biggest problem is the vomiting. Stan was really a nice guy! He did what he wanted to do, can not blame him for that. He harmed no others. Respect!
TO be saved would be my biggest nightmare...locked up...crippled maybe
Well lets just see whats happening next..
.i am 53 not 25 I have tried many therapies, drugs etc. been in several hospitals...bla bla bla
You can stay as long as you want. Some day we all have to leave this is life and not a problem and nothing to be feared. Maybe I will get afraid I have a tablet which will relax me so I can do what I want to do
Tribute to Stan
I have found this in his goodbye thread

I really love the song and the musicians show

 

[MeltingHeart]

Hi Brothers and Sisters :)
Thank you for creating this peaceful place.There is literally nobody who wants to talk about it or can. Not my doctor for sure.
I am not sure if I want to go. No, wait I dont want to go but the last 30 Years are just a endless repetition of very unpleasant emotional states. Almost if I feel the unconscious of the other person? I stay at home for the last week and basically never went out. I had a breakdown, funny thing is I feel so much better knowing that i can exit anytime. I become emotionally stable but no work, no friends, do not want to live in Germany anymore. Before I have lived abroad, was totally not perfect :) but Germany is so depressing to me, esp. in the winter. Also gf left because I am too old. She is 31 I am 53 well but my life was without family and kids so I would like to have kids. But no Money, no possibility to work to live a descent life. I live on social security and my parents aged almost 80 help me a little but not enough to have a car and a vacation and participate in life. It seems like I am extremely sensitive and also see the world as cruel place because of homo sapiens has basically destroyed the Planet. I love nature and when I came from abroad to Germany, I had to cry many times how abused every little inch is polluted or exploited. The build houses, like concrete is free in my area. One day the whole Planet will be covered in concrete...anyway...
I have SN and need to buy Meteo because I feel sick easy and have thrown up from light opiates in the past. I worry because I puke very loud :) but on 31st December night will be a lot of fireworks. I like to go at that time. But also consider jumping in nature from a cliff. I dont want to disturb other people with my dead body so at home would be the best. Will be found by the smell if I tell my parents I do a meditation retreat with no phones allowed. My brother lives with my parents but he is for me more far away then any stranger on the street.
I thought about traveling a little bit before but also worry I will psotpone and suffer the next breakdown. I dont want to go overemotional and confused. I want to be calm and relaxed even if I need a Tavor or sth. before.
I want to live a good life not being stuck in a repetion for 30 Years. Basically it is like groundhog day ...lol
I believe every human has the birthright to choose when to exit form this once lovely Planet.
I am worried about scammers here and perverts who get exited about CTB and also fake people doing a goodbye live thread.
But I see so much love here and if you compare it with other forums were insults, ego games and fighting is the norm.
Its hard to leave my Mum behind, my Dad is a aggressive person, I don't mind leaving him behind. But my Mom esp with my Dad are very exhausting for me. I stopped the few friends I have and my parents are in there house in Spain. I have no contact and dont want it since my Mom said some stuff to me which made me mad. Anyway she is a lovely person while my Dad feels like poison to me.
If you have something to say go ahead. I have nobody to talk to about this. I am also open for private messages conversation.
I stopped eating and drinking then started to eat very little. I lost 20 pounds and felt really great after the beginning no discomfort nothing.
I start to prepare myself for Sylvester.

Who's Sylvester?

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

To CTB or not to CTB
To be, or not to be,
That is the question.
Is death an answer to life?
Does life have an answer?
Is life an answer?
Who knows?
How do we know?
Should we even care to know?
I don't know.

 

[hhsp]

To CTB or not to CTB
To be, or not to be,
That is the question.
Is death an answer to life?
Does life have an answer?
Is life an answer?
Who knows?
How do we know?
Should we even care to know?
I don't know.

Quite beautiful. Thank you.
Is it Shakespeare? or from you? I was thinking about to be, or not to be in the title
Never read Shakespeare was raised with Goethe literature

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Quite beautiful. Thank you.
Is it Shakespeare? or from you? I was thinking about to be, or not to be in the title
Never read Shakespeare was raised with Goethe literature

Only the line "To be, or not to be. That is the question" is from Shakespeare's Hamlet. The rest is my own that I just typed it. Thank you for liking it.

 

[hhsp]

Thought about it ....would definitely postpone if some pro lifer donated 100000 Euro to me. Would go back to Asia get small house and a nice garden. Grow my organic veggies for the first time in my life. I love plantzzz and trees. Sensitivity also has its positive sides. I would be happy like a child.
It is very unattractive to most women if you dont have money and get old. Not all of course.
Sorry ;) I write down a lot of my thoughts here. Same with the first post here. I was processing, thinking while writing. Writing makes things much clearer esp. if other people comment on it in a unexpected way.

Only the line "To be, or not to be. That is the question" is from Shakespeare's Hamlet. The rest is my own that I just typed it. Thank you for liking it.

beautiful, thank you so much

Thanks for writing to me!
If it feels easy and relaxed I will do it. I feel so good and calm and centered. There is no sadness at all going to the other side. It is the most interesting journey possible! Nobody knows what happens after death. I dont want to hurt anybody but of course Christianity is kind ofachildish religion .For a long time I believed in a higher power but now I think it will be just lights out and that is perfectly fine. No alienation fear or loneliness. We will see how it continues.
I am sure absolutely, I am also very depressed in Summer and I had a lot of summers. I am complete. Maybe get reborn ;) hope it will not be this Planet ;) Step by step, slowly and calm can stop any second. Aware become very aware. I like to die consciously,ould prefer N but yeah fu..ing Politicians want to make us suffer well who cares.

just wanted to add, summer is even more depressing if you are single and lonely and see the others with families and big cars and houses
But the forest is beautiful and whatever plants and birds we have left ( sharp decline in bird population here) Blackbird sings so beautiful and never repeats for hours I love to hear it so much. The last two years none came to the area where i live. Doves from a breeder is all what i saw this summer, rats of the air ;)
Am I too negative? Should I not write so much here?

 

[BipolarExpat]

Am I too negative? Should I not write so much here?

Not too negative and you write however much you feel like writing...and anytime that you want.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Who's Sylvester?

It's how they call New Year in Germany

 

[hhsp]

Who's Sylvester?

31st Dec.