Venting To CTB or Not to CTB?

[heartisbroken]

Hi everyone,


Currently I am not 100% decided on whether I want to CTB or not. I am preparing my method (SN) and brainstorming when/where I would do it, but nothing is set in stone.

My wish is not that I want to die. My wish is to end my unbearable suffering. Death is not the only way for that to happen. The other option is for things to get better. Unfortunately, things getting better is seeming less and less attainable. Without launching into the whole story, I feel misunderstood, frustrated, hopeless, and powerless.

I believe that the suicide prevention movement has it all wrong. They misunderstand us. If I'm not mistaken, many of you feel the same way as me - we do not want to committ suicide for the sake of death itself, but for the sake of ending our pain. Unfortunately, the suicide prevention movemnent focuses heavily on the death part and not the pain part. Their goal is to keep us alive - not to end our suffering. And once we are "safe," our case is "solved" and we are dropped. But the pain is still there.

That being said, here are my pros and cons of suicide:

Cons:
-the pain that other people will carry for the rest of their lives because you are gone
-missing out on things potentially getting better

Pros:
-no more suffering
-the cons won't really matter for you since you'll be dead

I'm weighing my options and I'm still deciding. As of now, I'm preparing for both suicide and living. I'm keeping my options open by both preparing my chosen method and by keeping up with the bare minimum responsibilities of my life so I can carry on if need be.

There is, I believe, a third option, and that is not simply "keeping up" with the bare minimum of life, but actively trying to make it better, or at least feel better. This seems like the obvious choice, but I'm also afraid of this option. I am afraid because the one thing that will truly make my life better, I cannot have. I'm afraid of dipping my toes in the water because I know I can't jump in.

Without getting into too many details about what led me to this forum, I'll introduce myself in case anyone is in a similar situation or has advice. I'm a 22 year old woman. I'm in college, relatively close to graduating, and I have a job when I'm at school (at least this was the case last year - who knows if I'll go back?). During the summers when I'm not at school, I live at home with my parents and pretty much do nothing (not like I do anything other than go to class and go to work when I'm at school). I did have significant plans for this summer, but the majority of them have been cancelled for the same reason that I've joined this forum. I do not have hobbies or friends or goals or really anything that makes life worthwhile. And, as many of you might be able to understand, I'm not in a position where I can just go out and find hobbies and make friends. My motivation has been simply maintaining functionality. I have many anxieties and my brain is constantly ruminating. I've been depressed and suicidal to some extent for a little over 6 years, but the event that pushed me over the edge happened a little more than a month ago.

What pushed me over the edge? My theory is that because I saw what life could be like before it all came crashing down - inspiring, hopeful, exciting - I don't want to go back. I'd rather remain ignorant on what I was missing out on. Sadly, that isn't the case anymore.

Since that day about a month ago, the pain has not lessened or gone away. I've only gotten used to it being there. I'm no longer shocked to wake up and discover that I'm suffering - disappointed, yes, but no longer shocked.

That's all for now. As I mentioned, if anyone can relate to me or offer any advice, I'd love to start a conversation.

 

[SinisterKid]

I like fences, sitting on them is one of my favourite pastimes. I take my fence with me wherever I go.

Hypothetical: I am a couple of years older than yourself. I am intelligent, have a steady job but live on a different continent. We strike up a conversation because you joined a forum where people congregate because they are exploring ways to end their pain. That conversation leads to another, and another and another. E mails fly back and forth, video calls are suddenly part of the agenda. You like the look of me and I certainly like the look of you. You know where this is going dont you? It happens, I have seen it happen. It might not always be a happy ending, but it happens.

Of course, if you catch that bus, it will never get the chance to happen. Broken hearts can and do mend. Time is indeed the great healer. In reality, I am a great deal older than you are but sometimes, we do just need to give life a chance to improve. Deny that chance and you cant ever know if it did improve or not. So make those plans, nothing wrong with that. But stay on that fence and see what happens.

 

[Rukia]

Did you try therapy and treatment for your depression ? Are you on any meds?

 

[heartisbroken]

I like fences, sitting on them is one of my favourite pastimes. I take my fence with me wherever I go.

Hypothetical: I am a couple of years older than yourself. I am intelligent, have a steady job but live on a different continent. We strike up a conversation because you joined a forum where people congregate because they are exploring ways to end their pain. That conversation leads to another, and another and another. E mails fly back and forth, video calls are suddenly part of the agenda. You like the look of me and I certainly like the look of you. You know where this is going dont you? It happens, I have seen it happen. It might not always be a happy ending, but it happens.

Of course, if you catch that bus, it will never get the chance to happen. Broken hearts can and do mend. Time is indeed the great healer. In reality, I am a great deal older than you are but sometimes, we do just need to give life a chance to improve. Deny that chance and you cant ever know if it did improve or not. So make those plans, nothing wrong with that. But stay on that fence and see what happens.

I'm liking the fence analogy. Unlike you, though, I'm not having a great time sitting on it. I'd rather just land on one side or the other

How'd you know it was a broken heart?

I'm hesitant to bring up the break up because millions of people have been broken up with and millions of people have not killed themselves and have moved on and been happy. It makes me seem melodramatic. The truth is, it's so much more than that and I can't heal as if it's a regular break up because it just isn't.

For now I'll just sit on that fence...

Did you try therapy and treatment for your depression ? Are you on any meds?

I haven't. Partly because I don't think it would help me, and partly because I'm afraid of getting better.

 

[SinisterKid]

Your name kind of gives the game away

All change is hard, whatever the change might be. Break ups tend to be harder because not only is there change attached, but also the heartache of loss as well. So I get why it would affect anyone badly. But please, do take stock and consider all options before you do anything and besides, the view from that fence is wonderful.

 

[heartisbroken]

Your name kind of gives the game away

All change is hard, whatever the change might be. Break ups tend to be harder because not only is there change attached, but also the heartache of loss as well. So I get why it would affect anyone badly. But please, do take stock and consider all options before you do anything and besides, the view from that fence is wonderful.

I genuinely forgot I made that my name. I'm an idiot

 

[SinisterKid]

Nah, there is a thread somewhere about forum names and avatars and most people chose something that is relevant to themselves. Sometimes you just need to join the dots!!

So what do you think to the place so far? I hope it meets your expectations and you can be yourself here.

 

[heartisbroken]

Nah, there is a thread somewhere about forum names and avatars and most people chose something that is relevant to themselves. Sometimes you just need to join the dots!!

So what do you think to the place so far? I hope it meets your expectations and you can be yourself here.

I love it. It's the only place I can go and express myself without hearing "things will get better" and "have you tried (this/that)?" Sometimes life is unbearably sucky and is never going to get better and there's nothing we can do to make it better. This is the only place where people seem to understand that. And suicide can be an option - it doesn't have to necessarily happen, but it can always be an option. And sometimes having that option is all we need to keep going.

 

[Soul]

Having a choice is a great luxury. I feel more secure knowing I have the supplies needed to make an exit. And choosing not to exit (as opposed to just dragging along out of inertia) can sometimes shine a good light on things I wouldn't otherwise appreciate, you know?

I hope it works that way for you too. Because if you're not sure, it's not time to catch the bus; but I'd rather see you do better than just drag along. x